When my twins were young, I was at a networking event, focused on connecting with other entrepreneurs to see if we could collaborate or refer business to one another. A woman asked me, “Is the father of your twins involved?” I paused, looked down, and my thoughts raced. I wondered if I was a failure because I was a single mom. Then I looked back up at her and said no.
You’re not alone if someone has asked you a question that stopped you in your tracks. Sometimes people say things that are hurtful, insensitive, triggering, or inappropriate. But we don’t have to take it personally, and we can give a lot of grace. Here are 3 common inappropriate questions single moms get and how to respond.
1. Are you getting child support?
When I was pregnant, there were times I was at church and people would walk up to me to ask how I was feeling and if my “husband was excited” about the pregnancy. When I said I was a single mom, they asked if I was planning to file for child support “because it’s expensive to raise children.” I got this question for years after my children were born. There were times I made the mistake of answering their question and some of those conversations left me emotionally drained.
If this happens to you, it can be upsetting. People ask single moms this because they are being nosy. Whether you’re getting child support is not most people’s business and you don’t have to answer their questions. You can respond very directly with “that’s really none of your business.” Another response is:
I understand that you want to make sure my children and I are financially secure and that my ex pulls his weight. However, this is a personal and sensitive subject, and I would rather it not be a topic of discussion.
2. Why did you all split up?
People usually ask this question or others that pry into your relationship history with the intent to get the gossip. I understand if you feel hurt by it. When I was pregnant, an acquaintance saw me at an event and asked to connect with me after. I thought she wanted to catch up or talk about business, but during the conversation, she asked me why my twins’ dad left and if I still spoke to him. This added more hurt because my twins’ dad had walked out only a few months before, and that betrayal was still very raw.
Shut down the conversation and change the subject if this happens to you. Walk away if someone keeps pushing for an answer. You can also say this:
I’m still processing the emotions of the relationship ending, navigating my new normal, and ensuring that my children are cared for well. This isn’t something I want to talk about unless I bring it up.
3. When are you planning to start dating?
People ask this question because they lack boundaries. One day, I ran into a lady I knew, and she asked me how the kids and I were doing. Then she asked if I was dating. When I said no, she made a comment about my age and told me I should start soon if I want more children.
If you’ve gone through this, I understand how it can be triggering or hurtful. Being ready to date again as a single mom involves more than clearing your calendar. It requires deciding if you’re willing to give your heart to another person and let him into your family’s life. Here’s how you can respond:
Being ready to date again as a single mom involves more than clearing your calendar. Click To TweetI know you want to make sure my children and I are well cared for and you think that dating with the intent to marry will benefit me and my children. However, I’m focusing on healing, financial wellness, and caring for my children.
What other inappropriate questions have people asked you, and how did you respond?
