Math. It’s always math. My son’s kryptonite. It has brought him to his knees several times in the last few years. Nothing else makes him struggle so much and, in turn, makes him feel so inadequate. When he’s tried very hard to work through a homework problem, rereading his notes, checking his book for explanations, and he still can’t figure out a solution, he’ll occasionally erupt with a version of “I’m so stupid!” And I’m stuck with what to do. Telling him to “keep at it” or saying “no, you’re not” just don’t seem adequate.
So, I looked into it some more. It’s never easy to hear your kids say negative things about themselves, but there are things we can do to make the situation better. Here are the 4 things I found that will help when your child is too hard on himself.
1. Listen and empathize.
At 8 p.m., my son hadn’t finished his homework and when he leapt to his feet exclaiming, “I’m so stupid! Why can’t I do this?” I knew he was at his wit’s end. But instead of reacting immediately with reassurance, I took a slow, deep breath and thought carefully how to respond.
“I’m so sorry, kiddo,” I said. “I get it. You’ve been working hard all evening.” His lips quivered a little, but he sank back into his seat. When kids react like mine, it’s important to be supportive and caring. Writer Katherine Martinelli says, “Children who expect a lot of themselves may be prone to negative self-talk.” She warns that parents should take negative self-talk seriously if it happens a lot, but for my son, it only seemed to pop up when he was overtired. If your child is too hard on himself, showing empathy can help him calm down.
2. Be realistic.
When some kids say things like “I’m stupid,” they want a response. Do we think they’re stupid? Though you never want to agree, it’s helpful to be realistic: “I know you have a harder time in this class than others, but no one is born knowing times tables/the periodic table/how to analyze a poem.” She might need a different study strategy or extra help after class. Talking with the teacher will likely help her improve where she’s struggling.
We can also offer our kids a “broader perspective” according to psychologist Lisa Brown. One difficult assignment or bad grade doesn’t define their ability. By reassuring your child of what she’s capable of, you can counter the negative talk: “You’ve had a tough assignment before and asked questions the next day in class.” And you can teach your child realistic positive self-talk: “This assignment is hard, but I’m pretty good at figuring things out.”
3. Focus on him and his feelings, not you.
As tempting as it might be to tell your child about a time you struggled or a sibling struggled, educator Bob Cunningham advises not to. “This usually doesn’t make the situation better,” he says. “It’s more helpful to focus on your child’s frustration or feelings.” You can say, “I know you’re frustrated,” and encourage him to talk by asking questions: “Why do you feel this way?” or “What makes you think that?”
When your child is too hard on himself, it’s a good idea to keep the focus on him. It’s also an opportunity for you to build his self-esteem by helping him develop a growth mindset: It’s hard now, but if I keep working on it, it’ll get easier.
4. Remind kids of their strengths.
When a child says “I’m stupid,” sometimes it bleeds into her feelings about herself in general. Don’t let it. Even though this one thing is hard and frustrating, it doesn’t mean everything in life is. “Learning to read isn’t easy,” you could say. “But it doesn’t mean you’re stupid. Look how well you’re doing with adding and subtracting.”
If school is hard for your child and you worry about how she feels about herself, there are other “smarts” you can remind her of. “You’re a strong softball slugger. It takes smarts to read the pitches.” Or “You’ve always been good at making friends. You really know how to connect with people.” Be honest about her abilities, and look for opportunities to build her up. If she can isolate her frustration to this one thing (like long division), she’ll be in a better place overall.
Be honest about your child's abilities, and look for opportunities to build her up. Click To TweetDo you have a child who is too hard on himself?
