I lit the candle on the kitchen counter, creating a soft glow. Finally, I could see! My kids hurried past with flashlights, chatting with each other as they looked for a game to play. Turning to my husband, I shrugged. “I really wish they’d fix the power lines around here.” Every time we had a storm, the electricity went out. The kids had gotten used to the occasional power outage, though it could be a struggle. What would we do with all this melting ice cream in the freezer? I’d have to come up with something.
Struggles come in many different forms. From power outages to the fifth-grade social scene, they’re part of life. Let’s not shield our kids from struggles but, instead, use these opportunities to help them build resilience. To communicate to a struggling kid that struggles are just a normal part of life, do these 5 things. Kids will learn they can overcome them!
1. Be honest and straightforward.
“Look, algebra’s not easy.” Until then, my son hadn’t had to work too hard to get good grades in math. But he’d finally come face-to-face with a huge obstacle, and it was kicking his butt. He wanted to give up and switch to an easier class. But I wanted him to learn not to avoid hard things. I also wanted to teach him that struggles are normal—no matter how smart you are.
Be honest with your struggling kid, and don’t sugarcoat what he’s going through. Instead of saying he can “be the best if he puts his mind to it,” state the honest-to-goodness truth: “This is a tough class. You may have to give up video games during the week and study more.” Our kids will eventually hit something hard in life, and they’ll either back down or think they’re in the wrong situation because there’s an obstacle. But let’s not let that happen! We don’t want them to spend life avoiding things instead of living with what’s happening.
2. Show interest and love.
“Hey, how was your day?” I asked my daughter as we stood at the stove. She shrugged. “OK, I guess.” I wanted to know more. “Really? What was good or not good?” She sighed. “Ryleigh keeps bugging me to be the villain in our skit. She’s being mean about it.” It was the third time I’d heard about this girl in a month. “Have you talked to your teacher yet?” I asked, pulling her in for a hug.
Struggling with friends is something most kids grapple with at one time or another. Whether it’s a playground skirmish or something bigger, showing your child love has the power to help her through it. Writer and educator Julie Lythcott-Haims says “feeling loved helps us be more resilient.” When a child’s resilient, these struggles aren’t going to bring her down and keep her down. Instead, they’ll feel like something she can handle.
3. Back off.
If I’m right there with my kids for every decision of the day, they’re going to think that struggling isn’t OK. So, I’m trying to back off and let them experience obstacles without me. Figuring out how to solve a problem on her own will give her a shot of confidence instead of communicating that she’s incapable without my help.
Don’t micromanage or nitpick every detail of their days. Lythcott-Haims says, “It’s only through actual experience that kids develop skills and learn to trust their judgments…” Your child will develop resilience and gain confidence knowing she can struggle—and survive—without you.
4. Celebrate failure.
My child has never won a race at a swim meet. But he still goes to practices and shows up on meet days. Some kids fail and never want to show their faces again. But don’t let your child do that! Instead of focusing on wins and losses, celebrate his effort. So what if he didn’t win? Congratulate him for trying. My child has learned to keep showing up, and little by little, he’s made improvement.
Celebrate his effort and your child will learn to accept that most things in life take work. But he can make progress if he doesn’t fear failing. Just remind him when failure happens: “Hey, buddy, it’s OK! I’m proud of you for not giving up!”
5. Reveal your struggles too.
Did you struggle in school as a kid? Are you struggling now with a friend? You can talk about how you handled it and even what you would’ve done differently.
As Lythcott-Haims says, “One of the best ways to normalize struggle and build resilience is to let our kids know when we have, or have had, a setback.” If we don’t blow it up as a big deal, your child won’t make her struggle bigger than it needs to be either.
If we don’t blow it up as a big deal, your child won’t make her struggle bigger than it needs to be either. Click To TweetHow do you help your struggling kid?
