I asked my friend Jenn if she’d tried the grey rock method with her ex-husband, and she said, “If that’s the thing where I hurl a big rock at him, no, but I’ve been tempted!” I laughed and felt grateful that she hadn’t lost her sense of humor in spite of being in a really toxic relationship with her daughter’s dad.
He was verbally abusive and picking fights every chance he could get, and Jenn had tried playing nice. She’d tried co-parenting by the books. All her attempts at calm, productive conversations got them nowhere, and when she did lose her cool, he fed off of it and ratcheted up his energy in return. Hearing her vent about the latest encounter made me ask her about the grey rock method. If you have a toxic, abusive, or narcissistic ex (or another person in your life with those tendencies), it’s worth trying.
What’s the grey rock method?
The term “grey rock technique” was first coined by a mental health blogger back in 2012. According to PsychCentral, it’s defined as deliberately acting unresponsive or unengaged so that an abusive person will lose interest in you. Think about it. There’s nothing exciting about a grey rock. It’s unremarkable. It just sits there. If you have to interact with an ex-husband who enjoys getting under your skin, think like a grey rock. Disengage. Don’t show emotion. Stay as unresponsive as possible. A narcissist uses the other person’s emotions and reactions as ammunition, and grey rocking cuts off access to that supply, disarming the person.
I told Jenn about it, and she said it sounds like you’re just hiding your head in the sand. But the grey rock method isn’t withdrawing or hiding; it’s intentionally disengaging with a harmful person. It might look like inaction, but it’s taking action to protect yourself and your children.
What does grey rocking look like in practice?
Jenn said she texted her ex to let him know their daughter no longer likes applesauce. It kept coming home in her lunchbox, unopened, so she figured she’d let him know so he didn’t waste his money. He replied in all caps, berating her for sending applesauce in the first place. He said it has too much sugar.
Jenn could apply the grey rock method in a couple of ways. One, she could not reply. There’s no need to comment in return. She could also grey rock him by not even divulging what was in the lunchbox in the first place. She thought she was being helpful, but he turned the interaction against her. In the future, he can figure out things like the applesauce issue without Jenn’s help. If your child’s well-being isn’t on the line, you don’t need to communicate with a toxic ex. Other grey rock techniques include keeping personal information to yourself, waiting to reply to texts, not responding to attempts to provoke, and not asking questions that aren’t essential.
If your child’s well-being isn’t on the line, you don’t need to communicate with a toxic ex. Click To TweetWhat if it doesn’t work?
Another friend, Liza, was doing something similar to the grey rock method with her kids’ father. She tried minimizing contact and replied to questions with essential details only, sometimes just a yes or no. But it didn’t seem to make a difference. She said it worked OK with her ex-mother-in-law because she didn’t have as many encounters with her, but because her ex was a constant in her life and had no other channels for his ego, her attempts just frustrated him more.
If the grey rock method doesn’t work for you, seek support from a counselor, friends, and family. Being in a relationship with someone toxic or verbally abusive is mentally and physically draining. Show yourself compassion and care. You need it and deserve it, and so do your kids. You can’t control another person’s behavior but can be good to yourself.
Have you tried the grey rock method or something like it?
