“We have to gooooo!” I called to my kids. We had tickets to an art exhibit with friends. My daughter drifted into the kitchen, nicely decked out in a red sweater and sparkly necklace. But where was my son? When he finally appeared, he hadn’t changed out of his baggy gym pants but had pulled a V-neck sweater over his hoodie. Yep. While I appreciated the sweater, I couldn’t believe he still had no idea how to dress up.
Many kids like it when we tell them exactly how to do things. It makes their lives easier in the short term. But what about their future? Kids don’t want you to quit these 5 roles, but you should if you find you’re doing too much for your child.
1. The Personal Assistant
I enjoy picking out my kids’ clothes. I also like fixing their snack after school. And I don’t mind making their lunch. But I’ve given all those things up. The thing was, they liked it too—a little bit too much. I realized I was doing too much for my children and needed them to learn more self-sufficiency. By quitting my job as their personal assistant, they’ve learned more about their capabilities. And that’s given them confidence. 
To encourage your child to do a job by himself, try using our free You Can Do It! printable. Once he gets to the end, reward him with something special, like a family movie night or a sleepover.
2. The Event Planner
This is a job I felt I had to do when the kids were little. But it continued through middle school. My seventh grader doesn’t have a phone, but I told her if she wants to get together with a friend, they need to plan it. Not me. So now my daughter arranges things with friends, and I all have to do is confirm that it’s OK with the friend’s mom. Much easier. With my ninth grader, I don’t even do that last bit. With my kids planning their own activities, they’re learning how to be leaders and good friends too.
3. The Fixer
Your child can’t find his homework. Do you write a note to the teacher explaining the situation or do you have him talk to her? Your kids got into a fight—do you step in or let them try to resolve it? Your daughter said a classmate ripped up her drawing in class. Do you reach out to the other girl’s mom or let your daughter work it out with the classmate? Backing off and not doing too much for your child gives them opportunities to develop their social skills. The sooner kids learn how to fix their problems, the better off they will be, building resilience in the face of setbacks along the way.
4. The Tutor
My husband and I have worked with our kids on homework for years. But when my son really started having trouble with upper-level math, we knew we were out of our league. Our son felt embarrassed asking for help. But he soon realized it was the smart thing for him to do as his understanding of the material solidified. Asking others for help requires courage and humility, two qualities I want my child to learn just as much as algebra.
Asking others for help requires courage and humility. Click To Tweet5. The Bodyguard
I’ll never hesitate to help if I see someone getting hurt. But we’re not always going to be around our kids. I’m trying to teach mine, as they grow, to use their voices: “Stop! Leave me alone!” I encouraged my 13-year-old recently to go to her guidance counselor because she didn’t feel safe in her homeroom. “The boys are wild,” she said. We’ll always protect our kids, but giving them the tools to keep themselves safe is perhaps more important. We can teach them a healthy fear and awareness of their surroundings. These tools go a long way in helping kids be their own bodyguards as they grow up.
Like me, have you found yourself doing too much for your child? What steps have you made to change?
