“Do you wish we had sex more often?” My question came out of nowhere and nearly made my husband do a spit-take. We were on the couch, watching a movie about a couple whose marriage was on the rocks, and I blurted it out with a mix of panic and curiosity. He hit pause and said, “Well, sure. But I’m happy.” Hmm. Not sure how to take that, dear.
That started an honest conversation that got some important feelings out in the open. You might avoid talking about sex with your partner because you’re nervous he might say he’s not happy (or you’re not happy and you don’t want to hurt him). But there are 5 topics (other than frequency) that we need to discuss with our husbands to make our marriages more fulfilling.
1. Time of Day
“Before 9 p.m., I’m golden. After 9, there’s like a 50/50 shot.” I laughed when my friend Lori told me the parameters she spelled out for her husband about initiating sex. She helped him understand “It’s not you. It’s me,” and that she’d be more keen to have sex if he made a move before sundown.
Our bodies have natural rhythms, and timing can make a big difference. Some of us are morning people, while others are night owls (I’m just plain exhausted by bedtime). So talking about sex with your partner should include conversations about timing and aligning your schedules. Maybe a locked door in the morning becomes a regular thing, or you make time to be alone before your date nights start.
2. Non-Sexual Touching
When you and your husband first got married, you probably loved his touches throughout the day. However, as the love endorphins have worn off (which is completely normal), you might touch less frequently. For some couples, the husband’s touch is always tied to expectations of sex, and it even causes his wife to have an involuntary negative physical response called the bristle reaction.
Whether or not you bristle at your husband’s touch, talk to him about what kind of physical, non-sexual intimacy you need in order to feel connected to him. Something as simple as sitting together on the couch during a movie or holding hands in the car can strengthen your bond and make you feel closer.
3. Pornography
Don’t make the mistake of thinking porn will save a struggling sex life. It might change things for a moment, but it will create more complex issues in the long run. My friend said she “tried to be cool” about her husband’s occasional glimpses at porn, but she wasn’t OK. She said that even though his habit made him eager to have sex with her, it made her wonder if he was satisfied with her body and their sex life.
If you or your husband use pornography, know that studies have found that it decreases satisfaction in one’s partner and generates negative emotions like betrayal and rejection in women. It’s not an easy subject to bring up, and it might come up on its own if you catch your husband or he confessed. Fortunately, there are resources that can help you find the right words to say. A couple of good ones are covenanteyes.com and fightthenewdrug.org.
4. Being Mentally Present
Raise your hand if, during sex, you’ve worked on your grocery list or thought about an email you forgot to reply to. For many women, it’s hard to shut our brains off. It’s also hard to shift gears from mom mode to sexy wife mode.
When you’re talking about sex with your partner, discuss what you both can do to flip that mental switch. Maybe you need 20 minutes after the kids are in bed to have an adult conversation or listen to some music. Or you bring up what impacts your focus like, “It’s hard to be mentally present during sex when there’s fighting in the house in the evening.” Then discuss how to make your home a more peaceful space.
5. Plain Old Boredom
It’s easy to fall into a routine in marriage. Maybe you’re not dissatisfied, but you’re both kinda… meh. I asked my husband, “Are you bored?” He knew what I was referring to, looked at me with a squint, and said, “No. Are you?” I said no, but we kept the conversation going. Just getting the topic out in the open felt good. It put us on the same page. If one of us had said “yeah, a little,” we could’ve talked about what we could do to be… unbored.
What conversations about sex do you think most couples need to have?
