A family member once told me a relative just wanted to “be herself” around the rest of us—which, in this case, meant being a little rude. “She can relax around us because we’re family,” this person said. Even though I agreed in the moment, it didn’t sit well with me. I left thinking that sure, giving grace to a person who messes up here and there is fine. But is it OK for a person to act without thoughtfulness on a regular basis because she wants to “be herself?” Once I had kids, I couldn’t justify this line of thinking. I wanted my kids to be nice to each other, and I didn’t want to accept rudeness—ever.
But eventually, I realized it’s easier said than done. And it’s hard to figure out where to start if we want to go beyond “be nice!” I’ve found that teaching kindness gets easier when we break it down into these 5 qualities.
1. Self-Control
Teaching kindness starts with teaching self-control. “You can’t say the first thing that comes to mind because usually it’s not very nice,” my mom used to tell me. Words sting. That’s why self-control is important when a child’s upset.
An article published in the International Journal of Educational and Psychological Researches found that self-control is the “strongest predictor of happiness,” which doesn’t surprise me. When he’s upset, teach your child strategies to calm down. You could say, “Take a moment to think before you speak.” In another situation, your child may need to leave the room, take deep breaths, or have a snack if he’s hungry. Once he’s in control of his emotions, it’ll be easier for him to use kind words.
2. Respect for Authority
“Whatever,” a kid once said to me, turning on his heel. I was his teacher and my jaw nearly hit the floor as he walked away. It made me wonder what this boy got away with at home. If I want my kids to treat their teachers and other adults with kindness, I need to teach respect for authority and enforce rules at home for how they speak to me.
Kids will test boundaries to see what they can get away with. Make sure your child knows what’s acceptable or not, even when he’s upset with you. Then follow through with consistent discipline to reinforce that you mean what you say.
3. Selflessness
When you give up something you want for another, that’s kindness. However, no one wants to raise a people pleaser. So, how do you teach your child healthy self-sacrifice? You can talk to your kids about ways they can help their teachers in the classroom. Passing out papers, sharing a calculator with another student, or helping a neighbor with a difficult math concept all count. Kids can also learn to be selfless on teams where everyone has to work together toward a common goal. When you see your child acting selflessly, point it out to her to reinforce it. “That was so kind of you!”
When you see your child acting selflessly, point it out to her to reinforce it. Click To Tweet4. Thoughtfulness
“How was swim practice?” my daughter asked my son when he climbed into the car. We listened to his response, and then I said to my daughter, “That was kind of you to ask.”
Thoughtfulness is about paying attention to others and then acting in a caring way. Have your child write a thank you note or email to Grandma. Ask your child if she’d like to share some cookies with friends at lunch. Encourage your child to ask a friend about her vacation. When a friend’s sick, have your child give him a call. Model the thoughtfulness you want your child to learn.
5. Humbleness
I listened to the kid in the dugout shouting, “Yeah! We’re gonna win! We got our best hitters coming up!” He was so loud that the kids on the field turned and scowled. Sure, I realized this kid was trying to rally his team. But sometimes team spirit can come across as arrogance.
Teaching kindness to kids should include teaching humbleness. It’s one thing to have confidence, but depending on how it’s presented (“I’m better at math than you, so I’ll be the spokesperson for our group.”), it can come across as unkind or braggy. Humility is a tough virtue to teach, but we can try to do so by acting with humbleness at home. (“I’m glad you liked the dinner. Your dad actually taught me how to sauté the veggies.”)
How much do you think about teaching kindness to your kids?
