You probably already know the tug-of-war. Your toddler wants to do everything without your help, from climbing into the car seat alone to putting on shoes to carrying a bag obviously meant for adult-sized shoulders. And every motherly instinct in you wants to just do it the way you always have. It’s faster, easier and definitely less messy. But all those “I do it!” moments are actually doing something important.
Developmental psychologist Erik Erikson identified 18 months to 3 years as a key stage for building independence. When children are given safe opportunities to try, practice, fail, and try again, they begin to develop confidence and a healthy sense of autonomy that carries into later childhood.
So yes, letting your toddler do things independently will grow your patience in brand-new ways. But it’s also helping your child grow into a confident, capable person. Here are 3 simple ways to encourage independence in toddlers.
1. Let them help. 
Toddlers love to feel useful. So chores are one of the earliest ways to start building confidence. Vacuuming, feeding the pet, helping carry groceries, and cooking alongside a parent all feel like big-kid jobs. And that’s exactly the point. When you invite your toddler to be in charge of certain jobs (and let your child finish without jumping in to correct or redo), your child realizes, “I can do this!”
Toddlers learn by imitating. So give your toddler a chore you’ve done a hundred times. Toddler-friendly chores to consider include wiping down the table after meals, watering a plant, sweeping, or putting dirty clothes in the hamper.
2. Cheer them on.
When your child finishes something independently (even if it’s done differently
than you’d like, like shoes on the wrong feet), celebrate the moment. Your toddler is watching you for cues. But how you cheer matters as much as whether you cheer. A Stanford study found that when mothers praised the process their toddlers engaged in—the trying, the persistence, the effort—rather than just the outcome, those children were more motivated to take on challenges years later.
So instead of a generic “good job,” be specific: “You kept trying until you figured it out!” or “Look what you did all by yourself!” A high-five, a hug, or a sticker on iMOM’s You Can Do It chart goes a long way, too.
3. Don’t do anything for them that they can do themselves.
As moms, we become multitasking ninjas who can tie shoes, send a text, and sign a field trip form in 3 seconds flat. So, yes, we can get things done faster than the average 2-year-old. However, when we set aside intentional time and let them do something for themselves, we take a step toward encouraging independence in toddlers
Letting children practice doing things for themselves builds self-reliance and confidence. So when you can be hands-off, go for it, and resist the urge to jump in. Instead, when your toddler struggles, lean into some encouragement that doubles as identity formation. Say something like: “You are a problem solver” or “You are patient.” The more your toddler does, the more your little one believes he can.
What have you noticed your toddler trying to do to show his or her independence?
