A text came in from a friend whose son had been moping around the house for a week. It read, “I think they broke up. I’m gonna check his texts.” She can read his texts on her phone, so a few seconds later, bubbles appeared on my screen. Up popped, “What does ‘tooefed’ mean? His text from her says, ‘You tooefed. Bye.’” We did some digging and learned that “tooefed” is slang for messing something up beyond repair. Suspicions confirmed. Now my friend had to figure out how to help her teenager through a breakup.
If you know your child is hurting, even if you know he needs space, you have a chance to pour on wisdom and love that only a mom can give. Tread lightly, but keep in mind these 5 dos and don’ts when your kid’s going through a breakup.
1. Don’t reach out to the ex.
Another friend of mine loves telling the story of when he broke up with his girlfriend in his junior year of high school, and his mom took it worse than he did. He said when she invited his ex-girlfriend to go out for lunch, his dad finally stepped in and said it was time for her to break up with the girl, too.
It’s easy for moms to become attached to their kids’ significant others, but it’s confusing to teens if you text or talk to the ex after a breakup. One of the first tips for how to help your teenager through a breakup is to accept it yourself and let go.
2. Do tell your teen to take some space.
Just like you shouldn’t text or call your teen’s ex, neither should she. Time and distance are great healers, but it’s difficult for teens to give a relationship either if they go to the same school. Help your teen find ways to stay occupied—encourage her to hang with friends, take a weekend drive to a nearby town for a quick getaway, or ask her to leave her phone out where you can see it to help her resist texting.
3. Do look at how much time she spends on social media.
This is one part of breaking up that most of us moms don’t have experience with. We may have run into exes at the movies or the mall, but we didn’t have photo reels of them with their new girlfriends in our back pockets.
No kid wants to go through a breakup and then have mom clamp down on scroll time, but it might be worth it to talk to her about how you think it’d be best for her to step away from social media for a bit. Help her cut back by finding ways to leave the phone inside and spend more time outdoors together.
Listen to a mother-daughter story about helping your child through a break-up in this episode of the iMOM Podcast, “Helping Your Child Handle Heartache.” And subscribe to get new episodes every Monday.
4. Do remind him not to sink the ship.
Another friend’s lovestruck son had plans to go to the same college as his girlfriend until they broke up at homecoming. She told him, “You’re in line for a scholarship for a school that you’ve always wanted to go to. This breakup is hard, but don’t let it undo all you’ve worked for.”
A relationship is just one part of a teenager’s life. There’s school, friends, hobbies, family, church, sports. A breakup hurts, but he can’t let the hurt damage those areas, too. You can help him stay focused with words of encouragement.
5. Don’t use clichés. Do say, “I know this hurts. I’m sorry.”
What did your parents say to you that made you roll your eyes or feel totally unseen? “Rub some dirt on it.” “There are plenty of fish in the sea.” “You’re young. You’ve got plenty of time.” Yeah, don’t say that.
When you’re helping your teen through a breakup, use it as an opportunity to open up a conversation about love, hurt, and self-worth. Resting on a fortune cookie cliché shuts that conversation down. Even if you know this relationship wasn’t meant to be and your teen will be over it in a day, what she’s feeling right now is very real to her. Listen more than you talk and remind her you love her.
When you're helping your teen through a breakup, use it as an opportunity to open up a conversation about love, hurt, and self-worth. Click To TweetWhat’s your advice for how to help your teenager through a breakup?
