I like teenagers. They’re funny and sweet and awkward and vulnerable. They walk around like big dogs, but inside, they’re just puppies. I thought I understood this age group as a high school teacher. But then I had my own kids. Once mine hit the teen years, my whole concept of adolescence flipped upside down. Maybe it’s because we, as parents, see more than teachers. I’m not sure. All I know is that teenage behavior isn’t what I expected. You may be surprised too.
If you have an older child, creeping into the tween years, you might be blissfully unaware of what lies ahead. And please, don’t get me wrong. It’s not all bad. Teenagers are seriously a lot of fun. But here are 7 things that might surprise you about teenage behavior.
1. You won’t always know what’s going on in their lives.
As my kids have gotten older, they’ve shared less about their days. If something happens (good or bad), I may not hear about it for days or weeks—if at all. And the convos they have with friends now stay between friends. Still, I’m trying to connect with my teens through texts, check-ins, and touch. We may not always get the info we want, but when our teens learn that our doors are always open, they will find us when they need us.
2. Your relationship will change. And change again.
Your sweet child will suddenly decide she doesn’t want to be with you. Then, a few minutes (or hours) later, she’ll be your shadow, wanting attention. You’ll go through longer periods of feeling like you don’t know this person anymore and it’ll be sad. But then, she’ll need you again. Through it all, stay calm. Stay present. And don’t match her intensity with your own. Teens need a stable, consistent force during adolescence, and that’s going to be you. It’s what will foster the relationship you want in the future.
3. They will tune out when you give bits of unsolicited wisdom.
We can offer to help with their problems and give emotional support, but “don’t try to lay it on kids whether they want to hear it or not,” says William Stixrud, PhD, and Ned Johnson, authors of The Self-Driven Child. We may not agree with everything these authors say, but their advice here is super helpful. Instead of trying to advise or nag, hold back and let your teen take action to resolve an issue or find a solution. This is how they develop resilience and learn how to solve problems independently. It’s normal and ultimately, what we want for them.
4. They may seem independent, but they still need connection with you.
Support their growing independence by letting them take healthy risks like joining a new club or running for class officer. Even if your teen son doesn’t want kisses anymore, he still could use a warm hand on his back or a hug every now and then. Teenage behavior can be baffling, but inside, they’re still our kids who want us to love them through it all.
5. You’ll need to let go of who you think they “should” be.
Ever since my son played with plastic dinosaurs as a toddler, I thought his passion would be science in high school. But as his interests have changed over the years, I’ve had to readjust my own dreams for him too. If your teen has found his passion, but it’s different from what you imagined, it’s better to be grateful he has a passion at all than disappointed he’s taken a different path. Our teens are not us. And being able to support their dreams is going to give them more confidence and happiness than trying to put them on the path we’d planned for them.
6. Their struggles may be hard to recognize.
It may be hard to recognize whether your teen has anxiety, depression or is struggling with loneliness. Teens are often moody and retreating to their bedrooms after school is pretty typical. But as moms, we need to be intentional with checking in and showing up. In some cases, “putting down the phone and engaging with people in real life” may be all your teen needs, according to Psychology Today.
7. They want to be treated like adults but still need you to set boundaries.
Many of the boundaries we set for kids will continue in adolescence. The key is to have open and frequent conversations with them. “Setting boundaries of acceptable behaviors can help teens know their limits and be prepared to resist vaping, drugs, and underage drinking,” says licensed marriage and family therapist David Schwartz. So instead of backing off at this time, stay involved with boundary-setting. With so many changes happening in their lives, boundaries can help keep teens safe even as they gain more freedom.
What aspect of teenage behavior are you looking forward to or dreading?
