“Ohmygosh, I have so much to do!” Alice wailed. Her mom, Casey, had Alice on speaker as we headed back to her house, having wrapped up a quick evening walk. “She just got back from cheerleading practice,” Casey whispered. I said hi to Alice, and after she chirped a hello back, she went on: “I’ve got so much stinkin’ math homework and need to study my chem notes for a test tomorrow. I’m so stressed!” Casey told her daughter she’d be inside in five minutes. To me, she said, “Teens have so much on their plates these days.”
True. Teens and stress seem to be the norm. And when you have a frazzled teen with a hectic schedule, it can become a stressful family situation too. Here are 5 ways to support your teen through this busy time in her life.
1. Listen to her.
Sometimes, our impulse as nurturers is to give advice… and then more advice. But if you’ve gotten the eye roll, the folded arms, or the phone scroll while you’re talking, guess what! You’re not being heard. Our teens don’t want to hear the advice (or the lecture) they’ve probably heard before.
When many people (our teens included) are feeling overwhelmed, they want to get some of it off their chests. Allow it. Let them talk, and don’t interrupt. When your teen finishes, you might see a visible change—her shoulders are less tense, her posture more slumped, her face relaxed. In other words, she feels better.
2. See the bigger picture.
Sometimes, I’ll get the impression my teen wants my input, but I’m learning to ask first. Want to know what I think? If he says yes, I try to put things in perspective for him. You might feel like you don’t understand the material well enough, but it’s only one test. You’ll have other chances to show what you know. When he’s overwhelmed with afterschool activities, I might say, What can you do to prioritize sleep? Can you save the rest of your homework for tomorrow morning?
Being able to step outside their stress and look at the bigger picture is a skill you can help hone. It’s also a great coping mechanism teens can use when they’re off at college or at a part-time job.
Print out our 10 Ways to Pray for Your Teen. It’s especially helpful when they’re going through a very stressful season.
3. Help him avoid procrastination.
If your teen has a big project coming up, he might feel stressed. As Yana Ryjova in Psychology Today says, “When teens are stressed, anxious, or feeling down, it is common for them to avoid whatever is causing the negative emotions.” If your child procrastinates by texting friends, watching YouTube, or scrolling TikTok, he’s only going to make it harder for himself the later it gets.
Instead of telling him to just buckle down, empathize with his struggle and then help him come up with a plan. Maybe he can break up difficult tasks into smaller chunks or take stretch breaks every half hour. Offer your support along the way. For my teen, he likes having me sit in the same room with him as he works. He says it helps keep him on task. Figure out what works for your teen, and celebrate when the project’s done!
4. Encourage her to lighten the load.
Some frazzled teens are very ambitious kids. They take multiple AP or honors courses, play a sport, and are involved in various school clubs. If it’s getting to be too much, and your teen’s losing sleep or becoming irritable, maybe it’s time to have a conversation about dropping some of the less-important activities on her schedule. Talk to her about not spreading herself too thin and the value of focusing more on a few things that are really important to her. And don’t forget downtime and time with friends. There’s lots of value there as well.
5. Take a look at your own habits.
I have a friend who has reminded me that the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. And I’ve found it’s true for some of my teen’s best qualities—and worst.
If your child is overwhelmed because she takes on too much, look at your own busy schedule (or your schedule when you were a teen). Are you super driven and ambitious too? Are you modeling self-care, or do you like to burn the midnight oil? On the flip side, if your frazzled teen doesn’t handle stress well and is inclined to procrastinate or avoid difficult tasks, can you sort of relate? Sharing your own struggles with your teen and what you’ve learned to better manage your time could help.
Teens and stress don’t have to go hand in hand. What has worked in your family to dial down your teen’s stress?
