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The Male Factor Excerpt: Learning How To Let It Go

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What are three of the most important words in marriage? Well the words, ‘love you’ are up there, but there’s also a lot of power in three simple words we can tell ourselves, let… it… go. “Let it go” comes into play when your husband forgets to take in the garbage can, again, but it’s because he’s worked late three times this week. “Let it go” is a loving attitude when your husband does something that really upset you, but he apologizes and asks for your forgiveness.

In this week’s Learn A Latte, iSpecialist Shaunti Feldhahn shows why men know how to let it go more easily.

Adapted from The Male Factor by Shaunti Feldhahn.

This is one of the “little things” that men found the most inexplicable: the tendency of women to essentially hold a grudge.

What Leads to “Not Letting It Go”?

What leads to the tendency to not let things go? And why is this something that men don’t seem to struggle with? From what I can tell, it appears to be an unconscious response to our multitasking female brain. Our research for For Men Onlyfound that 81 percent of women have difficulty closing “mental windows” on issues that are bothering them. The concern tends to pop back up until whatever caused the concern is resolved. By contrast, men find it easy to compartmentalize and, if they judge this particular concern as unlikely to be a long term problem, they can completely ignore it and let it go.

As one man put it, “Women have very long memories.  And those emotions often continue to gyrate long after the issue should have been put to bed”

[Satisfied couples don’t hold grudges.]

What is the solution?

In the men’s minds, the solution is to address an issue of concern directly, and then simply not bring it up again. Three out of four men on the survey chose that approach.  Another 22 percent said one should “stuff” the feeling of annoyance, or should never have allowed oneself those feelings to being with.  Only 3 percent of men said it was acceptable to continue to express feelings of annoyance and let the situation naturally run its course.

Related Resource: 5 Steps to Forgiveness in Marriage

Excerpt used with permission from The Male Factor by Shaunti Feldhahn. 

Shaunti Feldhahn is a bestselling author, popular public speaker, and groundbreaking researcher. This wife and mother now applies her analytical skills to illuminating those important, surprising truths that people really need to understand about each other.


Do you ever hold a grudge? (A grudge is when you stay mad at someone.) Are you holding one now?

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