Search
Close this search box.

Share what kind of mom you are!

Get to know other mom types!

The Super Short Phrase That Can Refresh Your Marriage

Marriage problems and arguments can begin innocently. Last week, I got super ambitious and did some deep dive housecleaning. It felt great to get rid of things we didn’t need—or things I thought we didn’t need. I tossed some of my husband’s clothes, clothes that he actually wanted to keep. I messed up.

I held my breath for him to lose his cool, but he handled it really well. Later, I asked him how he reacted that way when I probably would’ve handled it much differently. He said a short phrase that I’ve kept with me and used in three areas of my marriage. Pausing and thinking about this phrase has made me more loving and less judgmental. Want to try it?

It’s “Intent, not impact.”

Instead of judging our husbands solely on the impact of their actions or choices, we should consider what their intentions were. When we think about intent, it not only gives our husbands the benefit of the doubt, it also takes our mood out of the equation. Because, let’s face it; sometimes when we’re in a bad mood or stressed, the impact tends to be way worse than it needs to be.

Here are three categories where that approach can help with marriage problems.

Annoyances

After you’ve been married for a while, little things can get on your nerves. “Does he really have to close the bathroom drawers so loudly?” “What’s up with him leaving his dishes on the counter?”

Intent, not impact. It’s important to remember that his intent is not to annoy you. But, if the impact of his actions is bringing you to the boiling point, talk to him… kindly.

Mind-Reading

“I know what you’re thinking!” Have you ever said that to your husband? We might say it when we’re in an argument and he makes a face we interpret as confrontational or belittling. Maybe we think we can read his thoughts after we’ve done something on accident—forgotten to pay a bill or dropped and broken our phone. “Great, he’s mad at me,” we might assume. This is where intent, not impact, comes into play.

Intent, not impact. He may look upset, or he may even seem to be acting upset; but, maybe, he’s not. The impact of his actions makes us feel one way, but his intent is totally opposite. So we need to avoid basing our read of the situation solely on what we see. Intentions are in the mind and heart and can’t always be seen from the outside. (And, mind-reading is one of the four destructive patterns that can wreck your marriage.)

His Mistakes

Our husbands are human. Just like us, they try to make good decisions. There are times, however, when we wonder what in the world they were thinking when they made a particular choice. Before we jump to conclusions, it pays to talk it out. The impact of his decision might be bad, but when we ask him the why behind it, he might have had the right intentions. Sometimes things just don’t turn out the way we plan.

Intent, not impact. It can be difficult not to jump to conclusions when our husbands upset us with their actions or words, but before we react, it can help our marriages so much if we consider their intentions first. Consider what part forgiveness can play if you’re still mad at your husband, even after you understand his true intent.

When’s a time you assumed your husband’s intent and were wrong?

ASK YOUR CHILD...

What do you do when you feel angry at someone?

Get daily motherhood

ideas, insight, &inspiration

to your inbox!

Search