“No,” my daughter said to her grandfather, the front-passenger door wide open. I stood several feet away but looked over at the sound of her voice. “Mom? I don’t ride in the front seat yet, right?” she asked, wanting reassurance. Looking from her to her grandpa and back, I guessed that he’d told her to sit up front. But she’d known better. She’d never ridden up front before and it made her uncomfortable to be told to sit there. “You’re right,” I said. “In the back!” She smiled at me and opened the back door.
Saying “no” is a great way to be assertive, but it’s not the only way. There are more great lines your child could use or maybe already does use that demonstrate assertiveness. If your kid is still working to build this skill, have her incorporate a few of these lines now and again. Take a look at this list of 20 things assertive kids say. Which ones can you hear your kid saying already?
When He Needs Assistance
“I forgot my lunch!” my son said with a panicked expression. I told him he had money on his school account and he could buy lunch. “You can do it,” I said. “Just ask someone for help. Tell them it’s your first time buying!” Most people are happy to offer help if they know someone needs it. Here are more statements assertive kids say when they need help.
1. I’m new.
2. It’s my first time.
3. I haven’t done this before.
4. Can you show me how?
5. Kid version: Help? (Parent version: Can you help me?)
When She’s Being Independent
My daughter told me her friends wanted to do the project on leopards, but she wanted to research chihuahuas. So, she told them she’d work alone. Sometimes we have to compromise with others, but if your child has the motivation to go it alone, encourage her to use one of these lines to assert herself.
6. No, thanks. I’m fine.
7. I’m OK on my own.
8. I can do it myself.
9. I’ll let you know.
10. I’ll figure it out.
When He Has a Different Opinion or Needs Clarification
My son struggled with algebra and had to get used to saying “I don’t get it” to his teacher. He needed her to slow down, and the only way to get her to do that was by speaking up. Assertive kids stand up for themselves. If you don’t do it, who will? Sometimes the kid version is little more than a grunt, but even a grunt can be an assertive challenge to someone else’s opinion. It’s still a kid speaking up, using his voice.
11. Kid version: Huh? (Parent version: Excuse me?)
12. Kid version: What? (Parent version: Can you say that again?)
13. Why? / Why not?
14. Kid version: I don’t get it. (Parent version: Please explain it to me. I don’t understand.)
15. Kid version: I don’t think so. (Parent version: I disagree.)
When She Knows What’s Right
It’s fine to quietly assert yourself by saying nothing. But if your child gets caught up in a situation where she’s being asked to go along with something she doesn’t feel comfortable about, she needs to be vocal! When a teacher offered my milk-allergic daughter a cookie and told her it was safe for her to eat, she said, “I need to read the ingredients on the package first.” Asserting herself can keep your child safe and on the right track. If, down the road, friends want her to vape, your child needs to feel comfortable saying, “I don’t do that.” Start practicing assertive statements with your child like the ones below so she’s ready for anything.
16. Lemme handle that.
17. Kid version: No way. (Parent version: I don’t agree.)
18. That’s not true!
19. I’m not gonna do that.
20. Kid versions: Go away! Get off! (Older kid or parent version: Leave me alone!)
What type of body postures do assertive kids use?
