The weather? Friends? Too much screen time? For whatever reason, my son’s been ornery lately. Disobedient. Rude. Sneaking snacks without permission. Teasing his sister. Arguing with me. I’ve wondered if he’s getting enough sleep. Is he eating well? Getting enough exercise? I’ve taken away privileges, and nothing seems to work. I wanted my kid back and not this imposter child I frankly didn’t like being around. And then it dawned on me. I knew what he needed. It was so simple, yet I hadn’t thought of it until I’d reached the end of my rope.
Sometimes, when you have a difficult child, the last thing you want to do is be around him or her. You just want to get away. But what your child needs in that moment is actually the opposite. It could take time and a lot of consistency, but if you’re struggling with a difficult child, try giving him these 3 things in addition to discipline.
1. Your Presence
It’s easy to lose track of time when I’m with my daughter. I’ll sit on her bed as she talks about school or friends, and we’ll laugh about funny stuff we both can relate to. When my son barges in the room and makes goofy noises trying to get our attention or starts launching stuffed animals at my daughter’s head, I realize he might feel left out. In these moments, I’m reminded that no matter how old my children get, they both benefit from time spent with their mom. When I later went to his room to sit and talk to him, he broke into a smile and held his arms out for a hug, no longer being an annoying brother or difficult child.
Do you notice a difference with your child when you spend time with him? It could be cuddling, reading, playing trucks, or just hanging out together in the kitchen. Your child craves time with you, and he could be letting you know with his difficult behavior that he’s not getting enough attention from you.
2. Your Touch
“She’s difficult on Monday mornings,” Jodie told me. My friend’s daughter Allie has trouble waking up for school. “Calling to her from the doorway doesn’t work. But she responds well when I go to her and rub her forehead. Her eyes start opening and she sits up to hug me.” Allie responds well to touch. When my daughter gets angry and doesn’t want to do what I tell her, I wait a few minutes and then offer her a hug. After I’ve held her for a bit, she’s ready to do what I say.
According to CEDARS Kids, nurturing physical touch promotes the development of a child’s ability to regulate her emotions and handle stress. Think about it. As a baby, your child needed to be held and rocked to calm down. Even though your child may now be 4, 8, or even 12, she may need your touch to bring her back to calm. A study from the National Library of Medicine suggests that if we cuddle, hold, or give other positive touches to a difficult child to help her regain emotional control, she’s going to learn self-regulation skills. And being able to stay in control is linked to getting along well with others. In other words, moms who had a positive attitude toward touch had kids with empathy, a moral compass, and low rates of misbehavior.
If you want to challenge yourself, try our Love Your Child Challenge to help you fit in the little things have have a big impact on kids.
3. Your Empathy
“I know, sweetheart. You’re upset you lost your LEGO figure when we were out. It’s OK to feel sad,” I told my child. I gave him a hug and held him for a little while. He felt my empathy and we connected at a deep level. As Daniel J. Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson point out in their book The Yes Brain: How to Cultivate Courage, Curiosity, and Resilience in Your Child, empathizing allows a child to feel safer in life, knowing he can feel off balance but be all right too.
By staying attuned to your child’s feelings but not taking them on yourself, your child’s able to feel seen and be heard. Click To TweetA difficult child may shut down or explode, but our job isn’t to rescue him from all his emotions or prevent him from dealing with a difficult situation. We don’t need to fix the situation by running back to the park to search for the missing LEGO or retrace impossible steps at all the stores you visited that day. Rather, by staying attuned to your child’s feelings but not taking them on yourself, your child’s able to feel seen and be heard. Giving him empathy can bring him back to calm and he can learn from that experience how to better manage big emotions in the future.
You may have a difficult child at the doctor’s office, or when she refuses to pick up her room. What works best in your relationship? Your presence, your touch, or your empathy?
