We all sang, clapped, and smiled as we wished my son a happy birthday. In his excitement, he flailed his arms, and within moments, my mom’s beautiful tablecloth was covered in candle wax. I held my breath, preparing for her to yell, but she just laughed. Wow.
The next day, my son commented on my mom’s response, saying, “She didn’t get mad.” I replied, “The grandma you know is different from the mom I did.” My mom has a lot of great aspects to her personality, but the side of her I saw the most was the stressed one. What “Mom” do your kids see most often? Showing your kids different versions of yourself is important, and these are the 5 versions of you they need to see most.
1. The Struggling You
My kids stared up at me from the water 25 feet below and shouted, “You can do it, Mom!” I stood on the ledge and told myself to jump, but my legs wouldn’t obey. Finally, after a few more cheers, I leaped off the platform into the emerald water. Half a second later, I was submerged and filled with relief (and what felt like a gallon of water up my nose).
That day my kids saw me struggle and having to be brave, but most of the time, the struggles adults go through—finances, relationships, learning a new skill—aren’t apparent to children. We keep the struggles hidden to protect our kids, but they need to learn that struggling isn’t a sign of weakness; it’s an opportunity for growth.
2. The Sad You
When we let our kids see our sadness, it gives them permission to express negative emotions, and negative emotions are key to well-being. Without them, it’s hard to understand joy.
Just as important, when your kids see you’re sad, they can practice giving comfort. I’ll never forget when my son, at 3 years old, handed me one of his stuffed animals when he noticed me crying. I don’t remember what I was upset about, but I remember being moved by his empathy and compassion.
3. The Satisfied You
Ouch. This is the version of me it hurts to think about because I don’t know if “satisfied me” exists. And that makes me really sad for my kids. A satisfied me would accept good enough and hold back on criticism more. We so badly want our kids to live up to the potential we see in them that we end up giving the impression we’ll never be satisfied no matter how hard they try.
We shouldn’t stop encouraging our kids to work hard, but the message we need to communicate more loudly is that they don’t need to earn our love, acceptance, or approval. They are enough just as they are.
4. The Still You
I stood in the kitchen one Saturday. It was after 1 p.m. I had my sneakers on, looking around for what else needed to be done before I could give myself permission to relax. My heart was racing, and I said to my husband, “I think I have a problem. I think I’m addicted to productivity.” He agreed.
At ages 9 and 11, my kids often want me to stop moving and sit with them. When they become teenagers, they won’t ask me to be still, but they’ll need my stillness even more. If our kids can’t see the still versions of us, they might assume we’re too busy to give them the attention they desperately need.
If our kids can’t see the still versions of us, they might assume we’re too busy to give them the attention they desperately need. Click To Tweet5. The Silly You
Remember the scene at the beginning of Mrs. Doubtfire when Sally Field freaked after coming home to Robin Williams throwing a wild birthday party? The goats, clown, and ransacked house set her off. As a kid, I thought, “But that looks like fun!” Now, as a mom, I feel her pain.
When you’re open to showing your kid different versions of yourself, revealing the silly side might be the most uncomfortable. It’s hard to be silly when you have to clean up whatever results from the silliness. But when your kids see you let loose, it’s like pumping fresh air into the room. There’s a lightness that will bring joy to the whole family.
How are you at showing your kid different versions of yourself? What side do you need your kids to see more often?
