Are Your Needs Not Being Met? Try This.

My dad was in the dog house, and I saw it all go down. It was my parents’ anniversary, and our family was at the grocery store. As we walked by the greeting card aisle, I saw my father pause and then take a hard turn, leaving the cart with me. When we got to the checkout line a half hour later, and my mom saw the card on the belt, she said dryly, “Too late.” It was a quiet drive home.

Maybe your husband remembers your anniversary but falls short on other needs that really matter to you in a relationship, like romance, helping with the kids, or making you feel appreciated. If your needs aren’t being met in your marriage, don’t give up. Try running through these 4 steps.

1. Look at your expectations.

At a friend’s wedding 15 years ago, she and her husband exchanged vows that included trying never to disappoint one another. I don’t think it took them very long to realize that while that was an honorable goal, it was also unreasonable.

We all have needs in a relationship, but ask yourself if you expect your husband to do things you don’t do, or another person isn’t actually capable of doing. Are you comparing your married life with someone else’s curated life on Instagram or a fictional marriage you see on TV?

2. Be honest about what you need.

A friend told her husband she felt like he was giving more to work than he should, and she needed him home earlier. He was putting in long hours, and she felt his family needed more of him. She didn’t make her husband guess what she needed; she told him.

It’s tempting to say that “he should just know,” but clearly, that attitude’s not working for you. So when you approach your husband, take a cue from my friend and use “I feel” statements, like “I feel frustrated that you’re giving so much energy to work.”

3. Tell him what to do to meet that need.

It’s one thing to say, “I need you to be more romantic,” or “I need you to help more around the house.” It’s another to tell your husband how to be romantic in a way that satisfies you. For him, romance might be sending flowers, but for you, flowers are just an expensive gift that makes smelly water. He might think helping more means doing repairs that have been lingering, but you need help with the everyday stuff, like getting the kids off to school in the morning.

If your husband has been trying, acknowledge that you see his effort and thank him. If he’s not doing anything, he might need cues from you. “You know how I said I needed more one-on-one time? We could do that on Saturday mornings with a cup of coffee on the couch.”

4. Ask him what he needs.

Take a step toward your husband by asking him what he needs that you’re not providing. If he says “more sex,” don’t roll your eyes. If husbands and wives had the exact same needs, relationships would be much simpler than they are, but they’d be less beautiful, too.

If husbands and wives had the exact same needs, relationships would be much simpler than they are, but they'd be less beautiful, too. Click To Tweet

Be prepared for him not to have an immediate answer. Once he does give you one, follow up by asking, “What can I do to meet that need?” Showing your husband you’re not just asking him to put in more effort but you’re also willing to put effort in yourself will encourage him to take your needs more seriously.

What’s easier for you—to point out to your husband when he is meeting your needs or when he isn’t?