Eighteen-year-old David stared at a friend request from a woman he’d never met but always wondered about. Clicking “accept” would change everything. She was his birth mom and she desperately wanted to meet the son she’d held only once. Now that the opportunity was right in front of him, the moment was overwhelming. David’s adoptive parents were cautiously optimistic and confident that meeting his birth mother was a decision David had to make for himself. If you were David’s adoptive mom, what would you do?
This true story is the premise of the new movie Lifemark, and while David’s situation is unique, at some point, all of us will be tempted to control a situation our children should handle on their own. To make it a little easier to release control, make sure they have these 5 things kids need when they have a big decision to make.
1. Freedom
I remember one of my high school friends telling me she’d been accepted by the only college she’d applied to. When I congratulated her, she shrugged. She didn’t want to go there, but it was her parents’ alma mater. Have you ever told your kids the choice is theirs but then tried to talk them out of their decision or refused to accept it?
When our children are faced with a big choice, it’s almost always going to affect us in some way. We can even feel like we should have more of a say in the matter than they do. It takes courage to actually give them the freedom they deserve and not steer them in the direction we want them to go, even if we think they are making a mistake.
2. Parents Who Will Listen and Guide
David’s parents, played by Kirk Cameron and Rebecca Rogers, chose to take a step back and let David call the shots, but they didn’t sit by and do nothing. They reminded him of his story and what his birth mother had been through that led her to choose adoption. They prayed with him and for him. And they asked questions to help him hear what his heart was telling him to do.
One evening, when talking about what would happen if David did connect with his biological mom, David’s mom asked him, “Do you know what you’d say to her?” He replied, “Thank you.” Although we still see our kids as our babies, when we listen and guide instead of making choices for them, we get to witness their growth and maturity play out in front of our eyes.
3. A Good Friend
David’s best friend was with him through every moment of his decision to connect with his birth mom. As an aspiring filmmaker, he even documented it all on camera. While we want our kids to seek our advice, having a friend who is likeminded, loyal, and honest is an asset when they have a big decision to make.
Friends are good sounding boards for your kids to use to articulate their thoughts without the worry of unsolicited advice. And unlike concerned parents, friends have a way of lightening the mood and providing a place of respite.
4. Time to Process
So you’ve given your child freedom to think for himself and you’re doing the whole listening and guiding thing. Good job! Now, give him a moment to breathe, process, and sit with the decision. In addition to David being contacted by his birth mother, he also was facing the end of his high school wrestling career because of a life-threatening condition that required surgery. For an 18-year-old kid, he had a lot on his plate.
Being patient is hard when we’re not the ones in control, but moving more slowly and not rushing our kids into a decision usually leads to a choice that better aligns with the heart, head, and gut, and is not just an impulse.
5. Reassurance That Their Lives Have Purpose
David’s dad reminded him that his birth mother’s choice to make an adoption plan was a gift to him and David’s mother. They’d had two children die in infancy, so adoption was seemingly the only way they’d be able to be parents again. So many kids today struggle with hopelessness. As their parents, we have the privilege of knowing and speaking the truth to them that their lives have purpose.
So many kids today struggle with hopelessness. As their parents, we have the privilege of knowing and speaking the truth to them that their lives have purpose. Click To TweetWhen kids have a big decision to make, seeing the big picture—that they are meant for greater things—can help them gain perspective, which can make the choice a little clearer.
Tell us what big decisions your kids have had to make and what helped them. Watch the Lifemark trailer here.
