It was after midnight on a school night when I went to check in on one of my kids because I could see a light coming out of her room. There was a light all right—the light of a show she was watching on a phone that wasn’t supposed to be in her room to begin with! I was going to bed late after a long day, and the last thing I wanted to do was deal with a kid who had clearly disobeyed me. This wasn’t a major offense, but it was one in a long line of offenses.
Our relationship had been strained for a long time, and we needed to work hard on rebuilding trust and our relationship. The preteen and early teen years seem to be some of the hardest as kids are trying to find their identity and their place in life. It can cause a lot of strain, but there are ways to maintain a good teen-parent relationship with your child. Start by working on these 3 things.
1. Allow them to argue without exploding back.
I’m normally patient, but there are things that trigger me—messy rooms are among them. And when one of my kids is supposed to be cleaning hers, I often catch her doing her makeup, trying on new outfits, taking naps… You name it. She’s doing anything but cleaning. In the past, she always had excuses and would argue with me to the point where I’d lose my temper. Because my reaction was explosive, I never heard that she was actually asking for help.
We can’t allow disrespect, but when your kids argue with you, set your anger aside and listen to what they’re saying between the lines. There may be something much bigger going on, and figuring out what it is will lead to open communication later on and a better teen-parent relationship.
2. Allow them to spill out their hearts without stopping them.
I tend to bottle up my feelings. Because I don’t want my kids to do the same, I try to give them space to vocalize their feelings without too many interruptions. I can already see that my middle child tends to internalize as well, so when I know there are things on her mind, I make sure to let her vent without offering feedback or asking too many distracting questions.
Our kids don’t always need advice; sometimes, they just need to be heard. And when we listen, they are more likely to come back to us knowing they can express their feelings openly in a safe, loving, nonjudgmental environment.
Our kids don’t always need advice; sometimes, they just need to be heard. Click To Tweet3. Allow them to make mistakes and lovingly guide them toward a solution.
My oldest daughter has always been a great student, but when senioritis kicked in, she really let one of her classes slip. Every time I checked her single-digit grade, my heart would skip a couple of beats. But, as much as it stressed me out, I decided she had to take responsibility for her work. And it wasn’t until she got a call from her school counselor, her teacher, and her school principal that she snapped out of it. This is when, together, we came up with a plan. I’m happy to say she brought her grade up to a solid B!
Letting kids make mistakes guarantees they’ll learn life lessons through natural consequences. Our job is then to help them figure out how to pull themselves out of a hole they’ve dug themselves into, not to do the pulling ourselves.
The teen-parent relationship is difficult but worth investing in. What are some things you love about your relationship with your teen?
