“Fine. One hour. But I expect you to do your homework right after the show’s over!” The kids leapt onto the couch, my older one already working the remote. At least I’d have some silence for a while, I thought. The kids had been bickering since they got home from school. When they weren’t arguing with each other, they argued with me about practicing the piano or doing homework. “We just want to watch one show! Please, Mom?” I couldn’t take it anymore, so I gave in. But guess what. After the show ended, the begging started right up again. To make matters worse, once the kids finished dinner, they both got tired and whiny really fast. And homework? Oops. Still had that to do too. What a mess!
While it’s not bad to give the kids TV after school, mine hadn’t earned it by bickering. They’d only worn me down. Then I expected them to “pay up” later by cooperating, and it didn’t work. Do you frequently work on “credit” with your kids, rewarding them first, hoping they’ll “pay” later? Here are 3 ways clearer parenting expectations can get you better behavior from your kids so you can avoid falling into the credit trap.
1. Be clear about rules and parenting expectations.
“Didn’t I tell you there’s no movie night this weekend?” I paused to gauge reactions. “Yeah. I’m pretty sure I did because you guys had trouble waking up on your own for school all week. Remember?” The kids stared at me with blank expressions that slowly morphed into narrowed eyes. “No, you didn’t! I don’t remember that!” I started to doubt my memory.
Think about common struggles you have with your kids. Maybe it’s iPad time or having friends over. Or maybe you’ve told your child she has a clothing budget for school. Whatever the rule, make it clear up front. Giving a child a reward before she earns it is working on credit. You’re just hoping she’ll stick to her end of the bargain after you give her what she wants. It puts the power in her hands, and it doesn’t teach kids they need to work for something when it’s just handed over free of charge.
2. Stay firm even if you’re tired or worn out.
“Can I buy this toy? Please, Mom?” my daughter asked as we browsed the toy aisle. “You don’t have enough money,” I reminded her. “But it’s on sale,” she countered. I hesitated, my resolve beginning to waver. But if I gave in, she’d learn she could get her way by wearing me down. If she learned that a little begging and negotiating was all it took, I’d never get her to cooperate with me on the big stuff like seatbelts and eating her veggies.
“Once you’ve put a rule in place, keep it firm,” Amy McCready advises in her book The ‘Me-Me-Me’ Epidemic. “Loosen up only if the circumstances really are special—for instance, you might allow your child extra TV time if she’s sick, but not simply because she’s whining extra loud, or you have a to-do list a mile long.” Perseverance and grit are traits we want kids to learn by completing homework on time, not by wearing us down. Teach your child she has to pony up before you pay out.
3. Follow through with your bargain only if the kids meet all criteria.
After everything is said and done, I will remind my kids of the deal. “You had until dinnertime to get your piano practice and chores done. And you did it! Now you can watch an hour of TV before you go to bed.” If they didn’t complete their assignments, I’ll say, “No TV tonight, but we can try again tomorrow.” Doing so reminds your kids that you’re in charge and your rules matter.
Expect pushback, especially if the kids are used to working on credit. But if you want better behavior going forward, don’t put the power back in their hands. Explaining you’ll no longer work on credit will gradually change things for the better: “From now on, you need to earn screen time/outdoor time/dessert by getting your work done/using good dinner manners/reading for an hour.” They’ll learn they need not only to behave better but to do exactly what you tell them to get what they want. Privileges aren’t free. They’re earned.
Privileges aren’t free. They’re earned. Click To TweetWhat parenting expectations do you have with your kids?
