“You’re gonna lose your phone for a week!” That is, if I could wrestle it out of her hands…which I probably couldn’t. And, come to think of it, I needed her to have that phone, so I knew when to pick her up from practice. Hmm. This was not a well-thought-out plan. Sometimes, we say things we don’t really mean. And our kids have probably figured this out. We all know parenting is hard. But being consistent with discipline has to be one of the hardest parenting struggles of all.
A lot of things can get in the way of being consistent with discipline. Everything from your own stress to your child’s behavior, to the weather could stand in the way of following through. But staying consistent is so important for kids. It lets them know what to expect and gives them a sense of security. Here are 6 tricks that will help you with more consistent discipline.
1. Start with a high-priority issue.
Sometimes we have a lot of things we want to change in our kids’ behavior. But Sara Bean, M.Ed. suggests we start with one specific, high-priority issue so we don’t burn out from biting off more than we can chew. Pick an issue like lying, bedtime, homework, or sneaking onto tech after lights out. For the next several weeks, this is the issue you’ll focus on most with your child. “Once you get more consistent in setting and enforcing limits in that one area, then you can branch out and start working on another,” Bean says.
2. Explain the new boundary or rule with your child.
Make sure she understands the rule and why it’s important. For example, “When you lie about little things, it makes me question whether I can believe you about the big things. Trust is important, don’t you think?” Once she understands why you have the rule, let her know the consequence of breaking the rule. “If you lie, you’ll lose all screen privileges for at least one full day.” Letting your child know up front what the consequence is will help her make an informed decision in the days ahead.
3. Be ready for pushback.
Many kids will test you to see if your rule will stand. If you’ve been inconsistent with discipline in the past (join the club!), your child will likely take his chances to see what he can get away with the first few times. If tech in the bedroom has been an ongoing problem, enforce the same consequence every single time so when your child steps out of line, he knows with certainty the punishment. But keep in mind this is a transition time for kids as they learn the new rule. The pushback won’t last forever. Just remember your kids are looking to you for guidance, and if you don’t stay firm, it’ll take longer for them to adjust to the new limit you’ve set.
4. Keep your own emotions in check.
This is easier said than done, but try not to take your child’s pushback or defiance personally. “[A]s long as the behavior isn’t blatantly abusive or unsafe, it’s most effective to ignore it and remove yourself from the situation,” says Bean. What your child says during this adjustment period may be hurtful, but you’ve set these rules and boundaries for her benefit. Learning positive traits like honesty, obedience, and diligence are going to build your child’s character.
5. Be aware of your weaknesses.
When my child throws his arms around me, apologizes, and says loving things, my resolve crumbles. I’m a sucker for my kids’ affection—and they know it. So, even if he says he’s sorry, I know I need to stay firm if I want to change a certain behavior. What are your weaknesses? Maybe you have a hard time with discipline when you’re tired or feeling stressed. Maybe it’s at certain times of the day—right after you’ve gotten home from work or when it’s the weekend and you just want your family to have fun. It’s in these more difficult moments that we have to take a breath, maybe say a silent prayer, and resolve to stick with the consequence.
6. Remember, it takes time.
“Being consistent with your rules, values, limits, and consequences is a crucial part of establishing a culture of accountability in your home—the structure that upholds you the parent as the authority that your child answers to,” says Bean. Getting to this point will take time. But don’t feel bad! Consistent discipline is a problem for most parents: 47% of us identified it as a goal in a University of Michigan survey. So, give yourself grace if you experience a setback or two, and then, keep trying.
Which trick do you think will help you the most?
