“We should have another kid so we can get this parenting thing right,” I said to my husband after dinner. “You know, a second chance. Prove we’re not terrible at this gig.” He gave me an amused grin. I mean, we didn’t totally mess up our teens—they do all right in school, and most people don’t run from them. “There are just things I would’ve done differently.” Leaning toward him, I waggled my eyebrows. For a split second, I think my husband considered the idea.
“Um, no,” he finally said. Then he added, “Let’s work with what we have. There’s time.” I agreed. If you want to elevate your parenting game, it’s never too late, whether you have little kids or bigger ones. Here are 7 ways to be a better parent this year.
1. Focus more on how kind your kid is than how smart.
If I could go back, I’d tell my former self to ease up on grades. I’ve learned that empathy, generosity, and perspective-taking are skills that will help kids way more. Ten years from now, no one’s going to care how well they did on a math test. But they will care how well our kids treat others. Which, do you think, would make your child happier: a fancy college degree or a solid marriage and strong friendships? If you want your kid to be happy, well-adjusted, and mentally healthy, you might want to focus more on the skills that will shape his entire person.
2. Give her more free time to discover her interests.
Parent coach and author Meghan Leahy says, “Accept that every time you unnecessarily hover over your child, the messages you send are ‘I don’t trust you’ and ‘Don’t trust yourself.’” Let’s change that. When kids have more downtime to play, think, or daydream, they have opportunities to figure out what they like and who they are.
3. Let him sit with discomfort so he can learn to cope.
It might go against your nature to let your kid struggle, but when kids sit in their discomfort, and figure a way out of it themselves, they learn coping skills and how to manage their emotions—like frustration and embarrassment. According to the Anxiety & Depression Association of America, “The more kids practice leaning into discomfort, the more confident they’ll feel. Whether it’s navigating a basketball game loss or struggling to learn a new musical note on the violin, each provides powerful confidence-building learning opportunities in how to manage less desirable feelings, like frustration, disappointment, and anxiety.” This is how kids build resilience.
4. Encourage her to explore beyond the yard—by herself.
If a friend asked me for advice about how to parent better, I’d tell her not to be afraid to let her kids roam a little more. I’d tell her not to transfer her own anxiety to her kids and instead, encourage them to do things by themselves. Go walk the dog! Go ask Billy down the street to play! It’ll give them confidence, something that will grow and benefit them as they get older.
5. Support your child without stepping in to save the day.
“I’m not fast,” my kid said. “I always get tagged.” Back then, I’m sure I told him something like, But you’re good at piano! Sigh. Distracting kids from discomfort isn’t a great idea. These days, I’m learning to listen and empathize when my kids are upset. I’m asking questions like, “How does that feel?” and “What will you do next?” To parent better this year, I’m resolving to be there with him in his discomfort so he can learn how to handle it himself.
6. Keep screens out of the bedroom and off at meals.
Kids will sleep better at night if they don’t have tech in their bedrooms. Also, kids will probably make better online decisions if they’re not using tech behind closed doors. Dr. Lisa Damour says for these reasons, keeping devices out of bedrooms is the number one rule she gives parents. In my family, we’re also saying no to devices at mealtime and in the car. I want to be able to talk with my kids and build a stronger connection. It’s never too late to reexamine your house rules.
7. Be happy with less-than-perfect everything.
I know I’ve been guilty of being critical or too picky about my kids’ schoolwork. But to parent them better, I’m choosing another path. Dr. Damour says that being overly critical of kids or expecting perfection can “lead to anxiety, low self-esteem, and fear of failure.” No one wants that. So, instead, let’s encourage realistic goals and celebrate their effort rather than the outcome. And let’s let our kids know it’s OK to not be perfect (and tell ourselves that too!).
If a friend asked you how she could be a better parent, what would you say?
