As moms, we worry about our kids. It’s part of our make-up. We worry about the big things like safety and health. And we worry about the smaller things like friendships and academics. When a child is thriving in and out of school, it seems like the little things all fall nicely into place. But if he’s struggling with anxiety and loneliness, the hard things get even harder.
Loneliness, it turns out, can be a red flag for mental health issues. A 2022 study published in Scientific Reports confirmed “that loneliness is an important risk factor for MDD [major depressive disorder], GAD [generalized anxiety disorder], [as well as] depressive and anxiety symptoms, especially in men and younger individuals.” If you’ve noticed that lately your child seems sad, is clingy, retreats to his room for long periods of time, or doesn’t appear to have friends to hang out with outside of school, he could be struggling with loneliness, says Mental Health America. The best thing you can do is ask. Mental health issues in kids have been on the rise. Here are 5 ways we can prevent anxiety and loneliness and help kids thrive instead.
1. Hold off on introducing kids to smartphones.
Jonathan Haidt, author of the book The Anxious Generation, believes the rise in smartphone use and the increase in mental health issues are directly related. He says that by 2022, 46% of teens were online “almost constantly.” By the same year, 10% of children ages 3-17 had been diagnosed with anxiety and 21% of adolescents reported symptoms of anxiety in the past two weeks, according to the CDC. In addition, school loneliness has increased. According to Christina Caron in the New York Times, social psychologist Jean Twenge’s research found that “smartphone access and internet use ‘increased in lock step with teenage loneliness.’” It’s scary to think about. Haidt says parents should wait until high school to give their kids a smartphone.
But what if your child already has one? It’s OK to change your mind. While we may not agree with Dr. Becky Kennedy on everything, she has some great advice here. She suggests saying, “I know we used to say yes to this. And now we’re saying no. Let me explain.” Parenting in the digital age is hard and if you’re worried about your child, or if she might be anxious and lonely, you can tell her, “I love you too much not to do something to help.”
2. Wait to allow kids on social media.
Raise your hand if you too have lost hours on social media in what feels like the blink of an eye? It’s super engaging! We’re susceptible as adults, so think about how it affects kids. But kids are still growing. Being exposed to toxic online content or even cyberbullying could have long term consequences. In recent years, there’s been a push for regulations on social media for kids. Surgeon General Vivek Murthy even called for a warning label on social media platforms. He said that “Adolescents who spend more than three hours a day on social media face double the risk of anxiety and depression symptoms.”
So, what are parents to do? According to Murthy, parents “should wait until after middle school to allow their kids access to social media.” Haidt says 16 “would be the right minimum age” to open social media accounts. Both agree, the longer you wait the better. It’s hard to put limits on social media when your kid feels left out. But Murthy suggests working together with other families to “establish shared rules” so you don’t have to struggle alone or feel guilty about saying no.
3. Find face-to-face activities for kids.
My kid loves playing video games and admittedly, it’s a struggle sometimes to convince him to go outside and ride his bike or play. It’s even harder to convince him when he doesn’t see other kids on the street playing. But if you have a kid like mine, it’s important for us to keep at it. “Children need a lot of time to play with each other, face to face, to foster social development,” says Haidt. This is super important for kids while they’re young.
But tweens and teens aren’t exempt from the need for play and in-personal socialization either. According to Haidt in The Free Press, Jean Twenge has found that “teens who spend more time using social media are more likely to suffer from depression, anxiety, and other disorders, while teens who spend more time with groups of young people (such as playing team sports or participating in religious communities) have better mental health.” So, even if you have an older child, encouraging her to join a club at school or at church is not only beneficial, but necessary for her mental health.
As moms, we need to limit our kids’ screen time and strongly encourage their face-to-face interactions with others to ward off anxiety and loneliness as they grow.
4. Re-examine your parenting style.
Computers, video games, and phones are such powerful contenders for our kids’ time. But they’re not the only thing to blame for anxiety and loneliness in childhood. Parenting has changed since we were kids. Many of us are afraid to let our kids roam the neighborhood. We’re also highly involved in so many aspects of our kids’ lives: grades, friendships, extra-curriculars. If we’re anxious about these things, it’s possible they’re picking up on it. And research in the International Journal of Adolescence and Youth found that children with anxiety disorders were raised by parents who were overprotective, harsh, or inconsistent in their parenting.
I admit I’ve been overprotective with my kids. But because I don’t want them to be anxious or lonely, I’m re-examining how I do things. Dr. Becky said that “competence is the antidote to anxiety.” And if we want our kids to be competent, we need to trust them more and hover less.
5. Talk to a mental health professional.
These days, talking to a mental health professional is more commonplace and shouldn’t be viewed as a sign of weakness. Sometimes, it’s hard to figure out what’s going on. But you know your child best. If he’s withdrawing or, on the other hand, doesn’t want to be without you, something could be going on. He could be lonely. Or, he could be grappling with anxiety if anxious feelings don’t go away after several months. If your child is struggling or isn’t acting like himself over a period of time, it’s really important you get him help.
But you can help. Talk with your child and don’t ignore the signs that something is wrong. You can make the difference in your child’s life by getting him the help he needs. You both don’t have to go through this alone.
Check out this iMOM video to learn more:
How do you think technology has affected kids who are already grappling with anxiety and loneliness?
