“I really thought I was doing better, but seeing that old photo broke me. It’s been five years!” My friend’s husband left her years ago, and she’s been trying really hard to be OK without him. I paused and chose my next words carefully. “It could be that you’re sad that your life doesn’t look the way you thought it would.” She shrugged and said, “I guess this is just something I have to deal with.”
I nodded but reminded her there’s still room for growth and healing. I think some single moms resign themselves to the fact that they are going to have to hold this sadness and pain forever. While divorce or death does have a permanence, there’s still a potential version of yourself that is healed from the hurt. But to find her, you have to take action. Counseling is the biggest step, but here are 5 other things to do to find healing.
1. Disconnect from social media.
I’m sure that pre-social media, women struggled to find healing, too, but I’m convinced that this 21st century problem sends us five steps backward every time we take one step forward. My friend was in agony looking at her ex’s posts and dissecting every word he used and every comment people made. I finally said to her, “Stop looking at Instagram!”
Unfollow people whose accounts leave you feeling bad about yourself and make it less convenient to access your apps. Move them around so you have to hunt them down and can’t just tap from muscle memory.
Unfollow people whose accounts leave you feeling bad about yourself. Click To Tweet2. Allow yourself to feel what you’re feeling.
Even if you’re handling your loss in a way that you think is healthy, acknowledging your anger, grief, or fear is part of the healing process. If you deny those emotions or tell yourself it’s not OK to feel them, they aren’t going to just go away. They’ll morph into something else, and then, not only will you have to deal with that new problem, you’ll have to get to the root of it.
Why not just cut to the chase and feel what you’re feeling? Admit when you’re sad or disappointed. Cry when you’re hurting. Call a friend and yell about how angry you are that things feel so unfair.
3. Admit what you’re going through is hard.
All moms want to be superwomen, but the single mom especially wants to show everyone she can make it on her own. What you’re doing is incredibly hard though. Speaking the truth, like “Losing my husband to cancer and managing the house on my own feels unbearable sometimes,” gives you permission to show yourself a little grace.
4. Accept what you can and cannot control.
This has been a hard one for me. I think if I can arrange things exactly how I want them and make everyone see things and respond the way I want them to, everything will be great. That’s just not reality though. If you keep trying to control things that are out of your hands, you set yourself up for disappointment and frustration, which will sabotage your efforts toward finding healing.
5. Spend time outside.
When I get out of my house or office and into nature, God speaks to me in ways I wouldn’t otherwise notice. The peace I feel when I hear birds chirp and allow the wind to fill my lungs with fresh air is life-giving. God’s creation moves with a rhythm that has a way of putting back together what’s been broken.
What gets in the way of your step toward finding healing for your hurt?
