I picked up my kids from vacation Bible school, and my older son tattled on his brother by saying, “We sang our theme song, and Graham didn’t do the hand motions!” I looked in the rearview mirror and said, “Dude. Why not? It’s cool to be yourself and let loose.” He calmly replied, “Mom. Not doing hand motions is me being myself.”
Point taken, 9-year-old. I assumed kids who didn’t do hand motions were embarrassed, but it’s just not fun for him. Sometimes we make the mistake of teaching kids how to be like us, but our job is to help them learn to be themselves. Here are 6 ways to do that well.
1. Answer the questions they’re asking.
Asking questions is an important part of children developing their identities. In Don’t Miss It, Reggie Joiner and Kristen Ivy say elementary school kids ask “Do I” questions like, “Do I have what it takes?” and “Do I have your attention?” In middle and high schools, they ask philosophical questions: “Who am I?” “Where do I belong?” “Why should I believe?”
They’re going to ask these questions and get answers from somewhere. It should be from you. When you give loving answers, you enable them to move into the next stage of development, which is crucial in helping kids become who they’re meant to be.
2. Check in on activities.
A friend’s daughter has a wall full of cheerleading trophies. She has real talent, so I was shocked when I heard she’d quit. Instead of saying she didn’t want to cheer, she said she didn’t want to “be” a cheerleader anymore.
Activities can easily become part of kids’ identities, so it’s worth checking in to ask if there are other things they’d like to pursue. Supporting your kids’ new interests (even if they don’t interest you) will show them you support their pursuit of self-discovery.
3. Ask for opinions.
My younger son’s voice often gets drowned out by his brother’s. I have to put up my hand and say, “He can speak for himself.” Asking my son for his opinion and giving him space to share tells him his voice matters, and it forces him to consider what he wants.
When kids can think about and articulate what they like and don’t like, they can make choices that reflect those preferences.
4. Notice when he seems to come alive.
When my son cues up a drawing video, his face changes. His eyebrows raise, and he bites his lower lip. I love seeing energy from him because he is so careful about how he spends that energy.
When you notice your child perk up physically, whether it’s while styling and restyling a doll’s hair or training the dog to roll over, get curious. Observe when she gets chatty or has a burst of energy. Ask how the activity or topic makes her feel and what about it interests her. The answer will help you find other ways to foster this same enthusiasm.
5. Use “because.”
If your child is looking for permission to be herself, the best thing you can do is help her believe that the person she is is lovable. You can do that through authentic affirmation and the word “because.”
If your child is looking for permission to be herself, the best thing you can do is help her believe that the person she is is lovable. Click To TweetIn Words Kids Need to Hear by David Staal, he says parents determined to pour into a child’s identity should want the child to hang on to their words. The word “because” acts as a handle they can grip. “I believe in you” becomes “I believe in you because your perseverance has made you a tough cookie.” “You can count on me” becomes “You can count on me because I’ll always listen when you talk.”
6. Be authentic, too.
Do you appreciate what makes you different? I’m not great at this, but I’m trying to do better as I get older.
I wear what makes me feel good, not necessarily what’s on trend. I embrace activities others might think are lame, like organizing a messy drawer. When someone at home questions me, I respond, “You might not enjoy this, but I do.” Being authentically you shows your kids they don’t have to be afraid to embrace what makes them feel like themselves.
Do you have a child who marches to the beat of her own drum? How do you support her?
