“Can you be quieter? You’re too loud.” My son’s words stopped my husband and me mid-debate. Apparently, our arguing had gotten “too loud.” We apologized for the raised voices, our kids went back to playing, and we went back to our heated discussion, just a little more quietly.
We have never shied away from arguing in front of our kids. Sure, there are some discussions that require privacy, but most of our arguments happen in the dining room or the living room. That means our kids see us fight, but that’s not necessarily a bad thing. Here are 5 things your kids will learn when they see you fight.
1. It’s OK to disagree.
My parents never fought in front of us when we were kids. I always assumed that meant they never disagreed on anything. As a result, I never disagreed with anyone about anything—at least not out loud. I was afraid that if I disagreed with people, I would lose their friendships. But after I got married, it didn’t take me long to realize that you can disagree respectfully without ruining a relationship. Today, more than ever, our kids need to know disagreement doesn’t have to lead to anger or the severing of a relationship.
2. It’s possible to argue respectfully.
If your kids see you and your husband fight, they can learn how to respect other people while arguing, assuming you and your husband respect each other while arguing. It’s easy for couples to become passive-aggressive, mean, or critical when things get heated. But keep in mind that little eyes and ears are present. If your kids see you listening to each other’s points of view, taking turns rather than talking over each other, and criticizing actions rather than character, they’re more likely to respect others that way in their own fights.
Do you lose your cool with your husband from time to time? Even those times can be teaching moments, so be sure to apologize in front of your kids, too.
3. Fighting facilitates intimacy.
When I was a kid, I thought that parents fighting was a sign divorce was imminent. Now I know that conflict can strengthen a marriage if conflict is done well because it can increase trust, which leads to greater intimacy. If you know you’re arguing with a person who will listen and respond reasonably, you trust your relationship isn’t in jeopardy. Knowing a fight won’t break your marriage strengthens security and brings a husband and wife closer together.
4. There’s a time to compromise and a time to stand firm.
I once heard someone say that people fight hardest when they’re passionate about their beliefs and they love the people they’re fighting with. You generally don’t fight about things you don’t care about, and you usually fight harder with people you love because you want them to see your side. Fighting in front of your kids will show them that there are times to compromise and there are times to stand your ground. Sometimes, you have to back down and say I love you more than this disagreement.
We wanted to take this topic deeper, so we chatted about it on the iMOM Podcast. Listen to the episode, “Should Parents Argue In Front of the Kids?” and subscribe to get new episodes every Monday.
5. Fighting doesn’t have to hurt your marriage.
Your kids need to see you fighting, but they need to see you make up, too. Kids who see their parents fight but don’t see them make up afterward will be left wondering if there are still problems that need to be fixed. They may feel anxious because they won’t know the status of your relationship. If your kids see you fight and then make up, they’ll feel more secure and know that you still love each other. They’ll know that your marriage is stronger than any fight you may have.
What are some ways you can make sure you are modeling good conflict management skills with your husband?
