A friend of mine from Montreal asked if I could proofread a story her daughter wrote. “I’d just like a second opinion because she’s entering it in a contest.” Her daughter, whose first language is French, had written the story in English to challenge herself. I’ve known this friend since our kids played together in toddler playgroup. Now, at 15, my friend’s daughter speaks three languages and has a string of academic accomplishments behind her. I’m so happy for her success! But it makes me pause sometimes when my own kid brings home a B paper—or worse.
I know grades aren’t everything, but it’s taken me a bit to handle bad grades. Ask yourself these 5 questions when your child doesn’t get the grade you’re hoping for. Like me, you might be grateful in the end.
1. Did she work hard on her own?
When my daughter got a C on a social studies test covering Mesopotamia, I asked if she studied. “Um, no,” she said. “Do you think you need to study for the next test?” I asked, and she nodded.
As a former teacher, I know some parents are very involved with their kids’ homework, and some do the work for them or in partnership with them. But does that teach the child accountability? Do help her prepare. But ultimately, if your child is entrusted with the assignment, she has everything to gain including your belief in her ability to succeed. And if she gets a C on her own and learns she has to prepare better next time, that might be the lesson she needs right now.
2. Did this teach him anything?
My son waited until after dinner Sunday night to start his math homework. “I don’t want to do it,” he whined. “I’m too tired.” He struggled and didn’t finish before bedtime. The next day, he got a bad grade.
One of the best ways to handle bad grades is to let natural consequences motivate your child for next time. Clinical psychologist and author Wendy Mogel, Ph.D. advises us to step back as our kid’s tutor or personal assistant and let the real world step in to help: “The sting of points off for lateness, or a lower grade for a rushed, sloppy or skimpy job is priceless.” Your child learns through natural consequences that a grade typically matches the effort level.
Your child learns through natural consequences that a grade typically matches the effort level. Click To Tweet3. Does he know how to study?
It wasn’t until his first year of high school that my son actually learned how to study. Doing a teacher’s study guide, which feels more like doing a worksheet, isn’t the same as truly studying by reviewing or recopying notes, testing knowledge with flashcards, or trying to memorize terms. Sitting down with him at the start of a new school year or before the first big test to guide him through the process might be necessary.
If your child has recently made the big jump from elementary to middle school, or middle school to high school, he may not know how to study. Once he does, you should step back and let him handle his assignments himself.
4. Is she balancing other activities?
My friend’s daughter Charlotte takes dance classes five days a week and usually doesn’t get her homework done until late. “I don’t want to make her drop a class,” my friend told me. “But I’m worried about her grades.” When I asked what they were, she told me mostly B’s. I asked what Charlotte wanted, and my friend replied, “She doesn’t want to give up dance.”
If your child’s enjoying the camaraderie of scouts or sports or the challenge of piano lessons, it’s not a bad idea to keep classroom expectations in check. Those activities are helping her socialize and develop other skills she’ll use in the real world.
5. Is she a good person?
Some kids are academically gifted while others have to work hard to get a B. My friend’s kids are very different: Kelly’s son, Nolan, is a bookworm—very studious and quiet. Every class in high school comes easily for him. Her daughter, Bella, is warm and social. Her gift is her ability to read others’ faces, and she’s extremely thoughtful. While Nolan gets A’s regularly, Bella has grades all over the place in sixth grade.
Accepting and loving your children for who they are is another way to handle bad grades. Kelly has to check Bella’s planner regularly to make sure her daughter stays on top of assignments. But Kelly also knows grades aren’t everything.
Knowing how to handle a bad grade could help set your child up for success. Which point above is something you’ve addressed at home?
