“He spanks, and I don’t. He’s a what-I-say-goes parent, and I’m more of a softie. His daughter has to eat everything he puts in front of her. I’m happy making nuggets for my daughter.” My friend Corinne explained to me all the ways dating someone with a different parenting style made an already tricky situation more complicated.
In any dating relationship, some differences can be overcome or accepted, but when one of the distinctions is how you treat your children, is it a deal breaker? This might be too big of an issue to conquer, and you should always listen to your gut, but if you think the issues are minor, try these 5 things before breaking it off.
1. Slow down.
A month into a new relationship, my friend Liz and her boyfriend got together for “family dinner” at his house. Liz said her boyfriend’s kids grabbed their plates and ate on the couch. Liz didn’t want to offend her boyfriend by acting like her son was too good to sit on the couch to eat, but it was a habit she didn’t want to start. She felt stuck.
When you’re head over heels for a guy, it’s hard to take things slowly, but moving in together or blending families right away can confuse your kids. Take time to get to know the other person. You’ll feel comfortable talking about differences in parenting, and he’ll earn the right to be heard by your children.
2. Extend grace to one another.
Liz and the guy eventually broke up. When I asked if the couch dining did him in, she respectfully defended him. She said that while she didn’t agree with some things he did as a parent, many were out of necessity. The kids ate on the couch because he often had to take calls for work. It was the compromise he’d made with his boss to be able to be home at dinner time.
You and the guy you’re dating have both been parenting on your own, without another adult around on a day-to-day basis. There are bound to be some shortcuts or undesirable habits you’ve made just to survive. Showing grace and understanding can help put you on common ground to work through some differences.
Showing grace and understanding can help put you on common ground to work through some differences. Click To Tweet3. Avoid undermining.
If your boyfriend parents your kids in a way you don’t like, take it up with him privately. Fighting in front of your kids about discipline, manners, or behavior will confuse them and make them question your boyfriend’s role (which is probably not even clear yet).
I struggle with this in my own family. My husband, who is my sons’ stepfather, is more of a stickler than I am about yes sir/no sir. I have to hold my tongue when he corrects them. While I don’t think the words should be required, undermining his authority over the kids hurts all the relationships in the house.
4. Consider that this might not be the relationship for you.
When my friend Corinne told me her boyfriend spanked, and she didn’t, that sent up a red flag. An issue like that would be hard to compromise on, and she would’ve blown a gasket if she found out he’d spanked her daughter.
Most parenting differences aren’t automatic deal breakers, but take note as you navigate your relationship. If neither of you is willing to budge, it might be a sign that you’re not ready to blend your families and cooperate to raise your children.
5. Don’t be afraid to talk about it.
If he’s a good guy and loves his kids, don’t throw in the towel without first trying to discuss your differences. Very few people agree on all aspects of parenting, so it’s to be expected that you’d hit some bumps.
Talk about how your exes approach parenting to shed light on the full picture. Some kids have a lot of adults telling them what to do, so start by agreeing you both want what’s healthiest for the kids.
Have you dated someone with a different parenting style? What did you disagree on and how did you handle it?
