“Math took me over an hour, and I still have to read two chapters for social studies and practice on my recorder! And I really wanted to watch another episode of Holey Moley with you tonight.” My son had tears in his eyes as he listed all the things he still had to do when I called him to the dinner table. Even in fifth grade, he gets overwhelmed so easily.
I don’t want to scare him, but I’m always tempted to lecture that it’s only going to get harder. Grades start to matter more, sports become more competitive, part time jobs add an element of stress, and relationships get more complicated. That won’t help stop the meltdown, though, so instead, I’m working on a few tools and habits to help my son manage feeling overwhelmed. Whether your child is 5, 12, or 17, if you’re searching for what to do when your child is overwhelmed, these 5 ideas will help him with what’s on his plate.
1. Stay in the present.
There’s nothing wrong with planning for the future, but when tensions are rising, it’s not the right time. This means leaving out the lecture that goes something like, “If you can’t handle baseball tryouts, how are you going to deal with the pressure of the game?” And “Math builds on itself. If you can’t master multiplication, you’ll never get division.” And don’t call back to a mistake from yesterday. “If you’d just put your uniform in the wash like I’d said, you wouldn’t be in this mess.”
Help your overwhelmed child focus on one thing he can manage in the present. “OK, you forgot your lunch. You know how to order from the cafeteria. No big deal.” Save the teaching moment for a time when things are calm.
Help your overwhelmed child focus on one thing he can manage in the present. Save the teaching moment for a time when things are calm. Click To Tweet2. Write everything down.
When you’re trying to figure out what to do when your child is overwhelmed, consider having your kid write. Writing everything down alleviates the pressure to remember everything. This is a great practice if your child has a long to-do list that’s getting her worked up.
You can also have your child write down other stresses that are piling up. It’s called a brain dump, and it’s a helpful way to declutter the mind. The problem doesn’t go away, but it puts it in a place for her to come back and process it later. What stressors need to go on your child’s list? SATs, a dreaded dentist appointment, or wearing a bathing suit at the pool party? Writing it down will help free up space for more productive thinking.
3. Talk about what is within or outside of her control.
“I totally botched that back handspring. There’s no way I’m going to make the cheerleading squad.” When tryouts are over or time’s up on the test, the issue is out of your child’s hands.
Sometimes the best advice for what to do when your child is overwhelmed is to ask her, “Is there anything you can do about this now?” Often the answer will be no and you have to coach her to move on and not dwell on it.
4. Hug it out.
When my son is melting down over homework, he’ll often ask for a “recharge hug.” It gives him a quick break and some personal contact that calms him and helps him reset.
The brain’s perception of stress and the body’s physiological response to stress work off of each other. So whatever is overwhelming your child, the remedy might just be a hug from Mom, a snack, a breathing exercise, or walking away for a moment.
5. Ask why.
Sometimes we are so busy parenting our kids that we forget to observe and study them. If your child is often overwhelmed, ask why. Is he juggling too much? Is he worried about college? Do we need to tackle homework in a different order? Does she have some anxiety issues?
Discovering the source of the problem can be scary and it might mean you have to make some tough decisions, like not playing basketball this year or even changing schools. But it will be worth it when you notice fewer breakdowns and your child’s smile comes back.
What do you do when your child’s overwhelmed?
