My friend Julie asked me to meet her for coffee last weekend and when I found her sitting outside the shop, I knew by her slumped posture something was wrong. “I’m frustrated,” she said, running her thumb around the rim of her cup. “And tired.” Her husband, Kevin, had been laid off from work for over a year and it turned out he did little to help around the house. “It’d be nice if he drove the boys to practice or made dinner once in a while.” Julie’s eyes glistened. “But I do everything.” I bit my lip and let her vent. Kevin was a super nice guy, but Julie was overwhelmed, and my heart went out to her.
They’d been married a long time and Julie had always been the breadwinner. She was smart, driven, and such a loving mom and friend. I wanted better for her! I knew she was committed to her husband and her husband loved her too, but things needed to improve. What do you do when your husband isn’t pulling his weight in the family? If my friend asked, these are the 5 ways I’d suggest she handle a lazy husband who acts like a freeloader.
1. Address the holdup.
Is he looking for work? Is he being too picky with a paying position? Julie told me Kevin didn’t want to substitute teach, even though he had a background in music and could potentially sub at private schools. He “wanted to hold off” on that, she said, sighing. Whether he’s a struggling artist who doesn’t actually paint or is more interested in daytime TV than the job search, it’s important to discuss the problem and then brainstorm ways to solve it.
2. Be direct about what needs to be done.
Julie paid the bills, drove the kids to appointments, and did the grocery shopping. No wonder she was burnt out! Whether you use a written contract or simply have a very direct conversation, the two of you need to discuss the tasks that need to be done in the home. Cover everything from childcare to cooking to who cleans the bathroom. You could start by saying, “Honey, let’s talk about what nights you’ll cook and what nights I’ll cook and then make a grocery list.”
3. Be honest about how you feel and what you need.
Our husbands are not mind readers. If you’re worn out and struggling to keep it together, let him know. When I’m feeling stressed, I tell my husband I need time to myself or an hour in our basement gym. Julie told me she was going to spend a weekend at her sister’s house in the country. “I need to get away,” she admitted. “I already told Kevin if he doesn’t want me to lose it—because I’m close—I need to do this for myself, maybe every couple months.” Whether it’s time with friends or time alone for a few hours, be honest with your husband.
4. Set goals together.
In the short term, bills need to be paid, clothes need to be washed, the kids need to be cared for, and someone needs to shop for food. Other short-term goals may be job-related for your husband, such as updating his resume. What about long-term goals? I know Julie’s dream is to take her family on an Alaskan cruise. She also wants to renovate their master bathroom. Achieving these goals will require a team effort and you and your husband both need to know your roles.
5. Address what you love about him.
According to psychologist Harriette Podhoretz, marriage works when “the wife’s respect for her husband remains intact. Women need to admire their partner.” Thinking of him as a lazy husband won’t do it. What is it that keeps the spark alive? Is it how he plays with the kids or how he makes sure your car stays clean? Or is it how he gives backrubs at the end of the day? Try to steer clear of resentment. Remind yourself—and your husband—of what you initially found attractive in him. And try the advice above about being honest and direct. His response and commitment could go a long way in keeping the passion in your relationship alive and the glue in your marriage strong.
Remind yourself—and your husband—of what you initially found attractive in him. Click To TweetRather than calling him lazy or a freeloader, what could you do to encourage your husband to step up around the house?
