“A lot of her classmates have one,” my friend Amy told me. Her second grader had been begging for a Stanley cup for weeks. “And she even said she’d buy one with her own money. But how is my 7-year-old going to lug around a 40-ounce cup all day? Let alone drink that much? It’s dumb.” My friend rolled her eyes.
You probably don’t want your kid to feel left out, but you might also not want to buy the item either. Heck, she might not even like it in a month or two! So, what do you say when your child says “that’s not fair” and “everyone has one but me?” Here are 5 ways to respond to your child when she’s feeling left out.
1. Tell her you understand.
Because you do. All of us want things we can’t have for whatever reason (hello, Mustang convertible!). Instead of giving her a knee-jerk response like Over my dead body, which will just get her upset, tell her, “I understand, honey. I know you want this.” With a loving response, she’s going to be less likely to call you the meanest mom ever and instead, she might just crawl into your arms for a hug.
Takeaway: When we respond empathetically to our kids, we build a stronger relationship with them. They learn to trust us with their feelings and are more likely to come to us again in the future to talk.
2. Ask him why he wants it.
If it’s because “All my friends have one,” you know he wants to fit in, and that’s understandable. If he gives you some solid, practical answers, then you might want to consider the item. But don’t feel bad about saying no. Fads will come and go. It’s better for kids to learn who they are and what they like without always following trends. And if you’re struggling with what to say when your child says that’s not fair, it’s OK to kindly remind him that life won’t always be fair. It’s important for us to learn how to handle disappointment.
Takeaway: Know that when he doesn’t get what everyone else has, he’s building character traits like resilience and strength. The truth is life isn’t always fair. It’s a hard lesson for a child to learn, but it’s going to be harder for a teen or a young adult.
3. Challenge her to find out how many classmates really have one.
Do your own investigating as well. Talk to other parents or touch base with the teacher. The reality may be that only a handful of kids have what she wants. Finding out the truth may make it easier for you to decide whether she needs one. And if you decide to say no to the item, you can assure her she’s not the only one.
Takeaway: Having the facts helps inform your child of the truth. She probably isn’t the only one without the trendy item even though she might feel like she is. She could actually be in the majority.
4. Have him wait and see if he wants it in a month.
In a month, his classmates might’ve moved on to the next trendy toy. Having kids practice not getting what they want right away has a lot of benefits. A study in Science Direct says, “Children who can delay gratification tend to go to school for longer…have healthier body weights…have higher academic achievement and a lower likelihood of engaging in teenage substance use.” Of course, he still may want the item in a month, but he has practiced delayed gratification and maybe he can earn money by doing chores to buy it for himself.
If you want to let your child earn the item she wants, download our free goal chart and work together on a plan.
Takeaway: If you respond by having your child wait a while before making a decision, he may lose interest. It also teaches self-control, which is a great character trait in kids.
5. Let her know what your family values most.
Think about what items you choose to buy and if their cost or use goes against your core beliefs. In a few years, your child may want to get a phone, wear crop tops, or use colorful language because “everyone else does.” Practice staying firm with your values now so your kids will have a clearer idea of who they are and what they want down the road.
Takeaway: Keep your focus on the big picture, says educator and school counselor Sara Bean: “No matter the reason, giving in is a quick fix that will almost guarantee problems later on.” Remember that you’re doing the tough work and laying a foundation of values for your kids now.
If you’ve struggled with what to say when your child says “That’s not fair,” what have you said that helps?
