Wondering how to make your husband want you? You’re not alone. On my blog, I write predominantly about marriage and sex, and because of that, women who face problems in the bedroom often email me. The most common complaint? “My husband doesn’t want to have sex.” A typical email says something like this: “I am so sick of hearing women complain about how their husbands want it all the time. I just want my husband to want it some of the time!”
If you’re experiencing something similar, you are not alone. Many women who endure their husbands’ low sex drives, though, are often greeted with jeers from their friends—“I wish my husband would give me a break sometimes!” That doesn’t help. You feel like a freak. Why does everyone else’s husband want sex and yours doesn’t? Part of the problem may be how to make your husband want you and the other part may be medical. These are the 8 biggest causes.
Low Testosterone
About 5 million American men suffer from low testosterone, the hormone responsible for sexual arousal. If your husband seems to have a low libido, try to convince him to have it checked out. A simple blood test can verify whether he does indeed have low hormone levels. Assuming nothing else is wrong (often there’s an underlying disease causing low testosterone, which would have to be treated), low testosterone on its own can be corrected with hormone replacement therapy [1].
Weight Problems
In some cases, male low libido is simply a physical issue. And the “biggest” culprit? Fat. Fat cells produce estrogen which works against testosterone—the libido builder—in men. The more estrogen, the less desire. Robert Rister, author and chemist who has written at length on how to cure low libido naturally says, “Nothing does more to restore male sex drive than achieving normal weight[2].” Beer has even been linked to erectile dysfunction. Flee from hops, and the beer gut will go away too!
Pornography
Another huge libido stealer for men is pornography. The more men are into pornography, the less they are into sex in real life. Porn trains the brain to be aroused by the image, not the relationship. If your husband is into pornography, get help. Talk to a mentor or counselor. Porn is not harmless, and it’s not just fun.
Addiction
Addiction to porn will lower his libido, but so will addiction to just about anything. If he spends hours every night with video games or watching TV, he’s not likely to want to make love very often, either. Addiction to alcohol or a kind of drug can also lower one’s sex drive.
When addiction affects a couple’s sexual relationship, it does need to be dealt with, but remember that a genuine addiction is not easy to break. The problem is not so much that your husband is rejecting you sexually as it is that, because he is so consumed with something else, he is unable to feel aroused or excited. That consuming feeling is very difficult for him to fight against. Look for addiction recovery groups in your area to get advice on steps you can take to help him.
Workaholism
Sometimes that addiction isn’t focused on something negative—such as alcohol or video games or porn—but on something positive, such as work. And work provides an awfully strong temptation because men tend to thrive when they feel competent. And if your husband doesn’t feel competent or involved at home, it is quite likely that he will look for other places to invest most of his energy. For many men, that place is work.
If you berate him and nag him for not being home, you’ll likely send him running even harder for work, where he’s praised and admired. Create a home where you laugh and where you demonstrate respect and love. Carve out time to value him and have fun with him so that home life becomes a haven and a source of strength for him, too.
Lack of Friendship
Often when there is a problem in the marriage, it shows up in the bedroom. But because the symptom is in the bedroom, we often think the solution is too. So we concentrate on strategies that have to do with sex—buying lingerie, playing risqué games, using toys, watching porn, and trying new things. In reality, the solution is often found outside the bedroom.
Sex embodies our spiritual, emotional, and relational selves. If your husband has a low sex drive that isn’t due to health problems or addictions, then the best solution is to work on your friendship. Spend more time together. Do something he likes even if you don’t (e.g. watching hockey games) simply so you can be together.
Lack of Respect
Girls, watch how you talk to your husband. Undermining our men is remarkably easy. I know many women who belittle their husbands in public without realizing it. When you open your mouth to say something to your husband in front of others, make sure that comment is uplifting. And when you’re alone, express gratitude much more than you express criticism. But our respect for our husbands goes even further than that.
Some men retreat simply because they get the impression they aren’t wanted, and so they try to carve out a place in the world where they can escape. Before blaming him for running away emotionally and sexually, ask yourself if you have done anything to push him out. And if you have, maybe it’s time to ask his opinion and start honoring it again.
Lack of Confidence
Other men have trouble with libido because they’re scared of sex itself. One 32-year-old woman who reports having sex less than once a month explains that the problem is her husband’s upbringing: “We’re still trying to work through the damage done by his parents’ fundamentalist teachings of sex, thus making him feel like sex is a bad thing.”
Still, others suffer from fear; fear they’re not good in bed, fear that they’re inadequate, or fear that they may experience erectile dysfunction. For these emotionally based fears, the best defense is building your friendship and the trust in your relationship so he knows you accept him completely.
Tell us! Have you and your husband struggled with a lack of sex in your relationship? Has anything helped?
[1] “Low Testosterone Reference Summary,” The Patient Education Institue, 2009
[2] Robert Rister, “Top Reasons for Low Libido: Sex Drive Killers,” Men’s Health, January 13, 2010
Taken with permission from The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex by Sheila Wray Gregoire.
