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How to Save a Marriage That Is Struggling

So many women ask for advice on saving a marriage that is struggling. Is it even possible? The fact that you want to save it is a good sign. It means you care. But do your other actions in your marriage reflect that you care? So many of us fall for the lie that you only have to put in the effort to get the guy, not to keep him. And men believe the same about winning a girl over. There’s beauty in the comfort of marriage, but if that comfort causes us to take the other for granted, it can easily send a relationship into self-destruct mode.

So you’re here. Wanting to do things differently. These 10 ideas are great starting points. But knowing how to save a marriage is only half the battle. A saved marriage is only saved for as long as you continue to work. You have to make the choice and then take action over and over again.  Share this article with your husband. Then agree to pick one thing (don’t tell the other person what you’ve picked) and start working on your marriage today.

1. Choose to love.

Love may have come easy when it was brand new. But love over the long haul is as much a choice as it is an emotion. Choice is an act of maturity, and it has a much better track record than emotion left to make its way on its own.

2. Pray for your husband. 

Chances are, you launched your marriage with both vows and prayers. Pray for your husband, and ask for guidance as you pledge to make the kind of effort that requires turning to God every day.

3. Surround yourselves with people in healthy relationships. 

Have some of the negative patterns in your marriage involved friends? Hook up with a faith community where marriage is valued and there’s widespread support for making yours work.

4. Make your husband’s happiness a goal for yourself.

Putting your husband first nurtures trust, gratitude, generosity, and affection. It can also lead to more kissing!

5. Put the relationship first. 

It’s unfortunate, but when we become comfortable in a relationship it can cause us to place other things above our husbands. “You’re the most important thing in my life” gives way to work, children, and friends. Marriages don’t work well when your partner plays second fiddle to anything—even the kids. It’s a fact; the happiest kids are those whose parents love one another best.

6. Start over from scratch.

Ask him out. Make sure you remember why you went out with him the first time and build from there. When did you last talk for hours, hold hands at a movie, or smooch behind a plant in the mall? Get silly about one another. If you don’t feel like it, do it anyway; then you’ll remember why.

7. Show appreciation.

Say “thank you” for that cup of coffee. Celebrate obscure anniversaries. Tell him how much it means to you that he cooks a great meal. Clean his car. Pay attention to the little things and act like someone who values the relationship.

8. Get counseling.

You say you can’t afford it, but believe me, it’s cheaper than divorce! Most counseling simply involves a few sessions to get the communication flowing again. A willingness to talk in that context sends a positive message to your spouse and a good counselor can give plenty of insight into saving a marriage.

9. Follow the counseling with an action plan.

Just like a personal fitness program, counseling comes with homework and an action plan over time. Draw up the plan, ask friends you trust to help hold you accountable, and then follow through. When both spouses take responsibility, anything is possible.

10. Change the patterns.

Do you always come home angry? If so, stop the car a block away and take some deep breaths. Do you fight over the kids’ schedules? Put a calendar in the kitchen or start a shared Google calendar so fewer things fall through the cracks. It’s easier to resolve recurring conflicts and save a marriage when you identify the causes and change your patterns.

What are some healthier ways to handle conflict in our marriages?

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