So you’re not in the mood? It’s understandable. You got up in the middle of the night when one of the kids had a bad dream. Then just when your head hit the pillow, your alarm went off! The day was more of the same—rushing to get the kids to school, rushing to work, driving to sports practices, running by the store to pick up something for dinner, dashing into the kitchen to cook, cleaning up after the kids, getting everybody bathed, getting everyone to bed, whew! You’re exhausted. But you’re not finished yet. Your husband seems to have energy for one more activity…sex. So what do you do when you’re just not in the mood?
Okay, we know we’re touching on a sensitive subject here. On one extreme you’ll hear from those who say you should always have sex when your husband wants to, no matter how you feel about it. On the other side of the debate you have those who say that if you don’t want to, you shouldn’t have to. End of story. Here at iMOM, we tend to take the middle ground, so here are 4 Things You Can Do When You’re Not in the Mood.
1. Be honest.
There will be times when you really can’t have sex—you have a migraine, you got two hours of sleep the night before, you’re an emotional mess about the illness of a dear friend. At times like those, be honest with your husband about why you’re not in the mood. Let him know that you love him, and that it’s nothing he’s done to cause your refusal. And try to let him know that you will have sex as soon as you’re able. You can even schedule a rain check so he knows you have good intentions. If there’s a bigger problem in your marriage that’s leading you to not be in the mood more often than not, talk to him about it.
2. When you can do it, say yes.
There will be times when you’re not in the mood but you actually can have sex, even if you’re not 100 percent into it. You may be normal “mom tired” or maybe you have a lot on your mind. In those instances, as best as you can, go ahead and have sex.
3. Do it for your marriage.
Studies show that couples who have sex regularly are happier. This is from a New York Times blog interview with researcher Denise Donnelly, “Happy couples have more sex, and the more sex a couple has, the happier they report being.”
So even if you’re not in the mood, the act of sex is good for your marriage. And what’s good for your marriage is good for your family and your children.
4. Act as if.
A wise woman here at iMOM says she tries to have sex when her husband wants to because she knows it’s good for her marriage, because she loves her husband, and because she understands that his physical needs are greater than hers. So what does she do when she’s not in the mood? She pours herself a glass of wine and acts as if she is in the mood. Often, she says, by the end of their time together she’s actually enjoyed it.
And if you think that acting as if is somehow insincere or unauthentic, think about what we do for our children, even though we don’t feel like it. We do it out of love.
We here at iMOM also want to recognize that there are some women whose husbands are not interested in sex. We will be addressing this issue soon in an upcoming article.