5 Things to Do If Your Husband Looks at Porn


husband looks at porn

There was a time when pornography was not a part of most men’s everyday lives. If a nice guy wanted to look at porn, he had to go into an adult bookstore or quickly ask for a “girlie” magazine in a convenience store when no one was around. Those days are long gone. Now even good men are tempted every day to click their way to pornography. If you think your husband looks at porn, read on.

If your husband is looking at pornography regularly, what should you do? Confront him? Try to catch him in the act? Well, you really shouldn’t do either. That’s the advice given in the new book, Through a Man’s Eyes: Helping Women Understand the Visual Nature of Men by relationship expert Shaunti Feldhahn and her coauthor, Craig Gross.

Shaunti and Craig say that if your husband is hiding his porn habit, that’s actually a positive sign because he knows it’s not right and that it would hurt you. So take a deep breath and read the rest of their great advice. Here are 5 Things to Do If Your Husband Looks at Porn.

1. Take action.

Finding out that your husband looks at porn can be devastating to your sense of self-esteem and self-worth. We get that. In fact, you’re probably going through a whole whirlwind of feelings… that’s okay and normal. But the worst thing you can do right now is either lash out in anger or plug your fingers in your ears, clamp down on your heart, and try to ignore the problem. Like it or not, this now must be dealt with for your health, your husband’s health, and the health of your marriage. It’s also the right time to make praying for your husband a priority.

2. Get support.

You do not have to suffer through this alone. You are not the only woman suffering through this type of indignity. We hope you will talk through your feelings with a trusted female friend of family member, even seek out a qualified marriage counselor to help you navigate this time until you regain trust and restore your marriage. (Here are some tips for how to find the right marriage counselor.)

3. See it for what it is.

I know this is hard, but instead of looking at  porn usage as solely a betrayal, see it as a sickness. {Tweet This} Your husband is in ill health sexually. If he was physically ill and was in despair over it, would you be angry and confront him, or would you have empathy for him? The same reasoning applies here: If he’s using porn and hates that he does, it will likely help you to at least try to look at  your husband not as a betrayer nor as a victim, but as a person who is sick and need help.

4. Confront or catch?

Neither. Confrontation or catching him might feel good by giving you the moral high ground, but the question you need to be asking yourself is, Do I want to be personally right  or relationally whole? Assuming you want to be relationally whole, you broach the subject as calmly as you can.

You can say something like, “Honey, I’ve found out about something. I know you’ve been looking at porn, and while I’m hurt and angry, I still love you and want to see you in a healthy place sexually. Let’s talk about this.” Likely his eyes will go wide, his face will go deathly pale, and his mouth will suddenly feel stuffed with cotton, but I bet he will feel a tremendous sense of relief that his secret is out. You may need to give him a bit of time before he will be able to talk about it in a  meaningful way.

restored marriage5. Have hope.

Depending on how far into porn use he has gone, it is possible that the consequences could be serious. It is possible that rebuilding your marriage and the trust essential to it will take a lot of work. But with good help, good information, a lot of good conversations, and good boundaries, your marriage can and will be restored to an even greater place than it’s every been.

Let’s Talk: Does your husband use pornography? How do you handle it?

Comments


  • Valerie

    I’m

    • Andrew Mayer

      Hey Valerie,

      Thank you for your honesty on this. I read a comment from Kaleigh that appears to be a response to your post (although it isn’t linked to your initial post, so you’d never get an email saying there was a comment). I think what she said is awesome, and from a guy’s perspective, I definitely think you should read it!

      I’ll join you and Kaleigh in praying those things for your marriage and husband. Keep fighting for godly intimacy in your marriage, Valerie!

  • Kaleigh

    Valerie, first off, thank you for your transparency on the
    topic. It’s a topic that’s often hidden but in reality, it is affecting SO many
    marriages. Secondly, I know I don’t know you at all so it’s so hard to comment
    since we are strangers but your comment stirred in me some thoughts that I
    wanted to share.

    As a woman, I struggle with wanting to control
    everything…including my man. We are going on nearly 3 years of marriage and I
    am realizing that I cannot control my husband…I cannot change his heart. With
    that realization I have been challenged to get on my knees and pray for him. With
    that said, I am coming at this from a Christian perspective so if you follow
    Jesus, I would love for you to join me in praying this for your husband.

    I am going to be praying that the Lord would convict him of
    his sin. Christ loves your husband and doesn’t want him to continue to walk in this.
    It’s unfulfilling (hence why he goes back to it) and is only a temporary joy.
    Christ is the only One who can fully satisfy your husband’s longings and I’m
    praying that He would first be convicted of selling out for lesser joys.

    Secondly, I’m praying that he would be exposed to the truth.
    The truth that this isn’t what he was created for and the truth on the topic of
    sexual impurity found in God’s word. I’m praying that he would desire intimacy
    with you and only you and that he would fight for the purity of your marriage.

    Lastly, I’m praying that another man would come alongside
    him and be a voice of truth and reason in an area you may not be able to speak
    into. Maybe even a man who would give him a swift kick in the pants when he
    needs it.

    Again, I may have totally missed the mark here but I’m
    hoping this gives encouragement to know you’re not alone. I really believe that
    pornography is destroying marriages and that we need to rise up and fight for
    the purity of our marriages. It’s a real struggle for our men but if they have
    a desire to change, God can and will do it. Praying you would persevere in your
    marriage.