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Dating Dos and Don’ts for Single Moms

My first attempt to date after my divorce didn’t happen. The guy stood me up. The next morning, I lay in bed and cried. I knew by my reaction that I wasn’t ready. It was too soon and my self-esteem wasn’t in a good place. I didn’t really like dating as a young adult, so doing it as a single mom wasn’t something I was looking forward to either. In both cases, you have the mind-boggling task of trying to figure out if the person across the table shares your values and interests. But as a single mom, you add your kids’ well-being and future into the mix and the whole thing becomes a lot trickier.

We’ve put together some dating dos and don’ts for single moms that can help you find Mr. Right without allowing the search to negatively impact your children. Some of our guidelines might seem too restrictive or like too much trouble, but you’ll thank us down the road. After all, is there really anything that’s “too much trouble” when your kids’ best interests are on the line?

1. DO make passing the “shared core values test” a must for even one date.

This should be top of your list of dating dos and don’ts. You don’t have time to waste on someone who isn’t a potential spouse. If you don’t share the same faith and basic values from the start, trust us: This relationship is going nowhere good. Don’t allow yourself to become entangled in a relationship that simply can’t be what you need it to be and will require the awkward, icky task of disentangling. Don’t waste precious hours that could be spent with your kids on a guy who’s not for you. And don’t allow your child to become attached to someone who won’t be around in a few months. Which brings us to…

2. DON’T introduce him to your kids until you’re certain it has real potential.

If your child is craving a male figure in his or her life, this is even more important. It might feel like your kids are just spectators in your dating game, but their hearts are active participants. Don’t even introduce them until you feel like the relationship has real potential to result in marriage. Explain to your boyfriend that this is a significant thing to you. If he isn’t comfortable with the added responsibility of becoming involved in your kids’ lives, take that as a red flag and slow down.

It might feel like kids are just spectators in a single parent's dating game, but their hearts are active participants. Click To Tweet

3. DO let your kids know where you are and what you’re doing.

Just because your children haven’t met your date yet doesn’t mean you have to be mysterious and leave them in the dark about where you go and what you do on date night. Tell them what you’re doing—that you’re going to a restaurant, a movie, a social gathering. Afterward, give them a review of what you ate, who you met, and how your evening went so they don’t feel shut out of this portion of your life. This can help them feel secure and at ease with things when you walk out the door.

4. DON’T date with different values than you expect your children to date with.

If you wouldn’t be OK with your daughter spending the night with her high school boyfriend, you can’t indulge in that kind of behavior in your own dating relationships. Values are values and wisdom is wisdom at any age. Don’t shred your moral credibility with your children while you look for your next husband, no matter how tempting it may be. If your children are young, you may be tempted to think you can get away with bending the rules, but they remember everything.

5. DO pay attention to the dynamics of your boyfriend’s relationships with your kids.

Once you allow your love interest into the same space as your kids, keep your eyes wide open. Some guys are great boyfriends, some are great husbands, and some are even great dads. You need all three, or the deal is off. You’re not looking for perfect, mind you, because no one is. But you are looking for pretty strong across the board. Is he patient with your kids, even when they’re not lovable? Is he genuinely concerned with their welfare and happiness? Does he enjoy spending time with them? The answer needs to be yes. If the dynamics between your boyfriend and your children aren’t pretty good in the honeymoon phase of their relationships, they won’t be any better down the road. Remember, you’re essentially asking your kids to marry this guy, too. How they feel matters—a lot.

Overwhelmed with the idea of trying to find someone who’s a good match for you and your kids? You might want to give online dating a second look! It’s come a long way since the early days and might just help you to sift through the world of single men based on real mutual interests and values from the beginning.

What other dating dos and don’ts you would add to the list?

ASK YOUR CHILD...

What is the most important thing to know about a person before you go on a date with him/her?

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