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7 Ways to Help Children Deal With Their Anger

Anger is like mercury in a thermometer. As things heat up, the emotion rises from frustration to anger and then to more intense emotions like rage and bitterness. As the intensity builds, people shut themselves off from others and relationships close down. Having a plan to deal with anger can limit the intensity and prevent much of the destruction anger tends to cause.

Anger exists in all families, yet most don’t have a plan for when it starts to rise. Moms have a plan for everything else—why not have one for helping a child deal with this common emotion? If anger is something that gets in the way of your family connecting and communicating, here are 7 ideas for dealing with it.

1. Realize anger is good for identifying problems but not good for solving them.

One of the problems people face is the guilt they feel after they’ve gotten angry. This further complicates the situation. Emotions are helpful for giving us cues about our environment. Anger, in particular, points out problems. It reveals things that are wrong. Some of those things are inside of us and require adjustments to expectations or demands. Other problems are outside of us and need to be addressed in a constructive way. Helping children understand that anger is good for identifying problems but not good for solving them is the first step toward a healthy anger management plan.

Realize anger is good for identifying problems but not good for solving them. Click To Tweet

2. Identify the early warning signs of anger.

Children often don’t recognize anger. In fact, many times they act out before they realize what happened. Identifying early warning signs helps children become more aware of their feelings, which in turn gives them more opportunity to control their responses to these feelings. How can you tell when you’re getting frustrated? How can your children identify frustration before it gets out of control?

Learn to recognize the signs that your child is beginning to get frustrated, like clenched teeth, pouting, and eye-rolling. Once you see the signs, begin to point them out to your child. Eventually, children will be able to see their own frustration and anger and choose appropriate responses before it’s too late to calm down.

3. Step back.

Teach your child to take a break from the difficult situation and to get alone for a few minutes. One of the healthiest responses to anger at any of its stages is to step back. During that time, the child can rethink the situation, calm down, and determine what to do next. Frustrations can easily build, rage can be destructive, and bitterness is always damaging to the one who is angry. Stepping back can help the child stop the progression and decide to respond differently.

The size of the break is determined by the intensity of the emotion. A child who is simply frustrated may just take a deep breath. The child who is enraged probably needs to leave the room and settle down.

4. Choose a better response.

After the child has stepped back and settled down, then it’s time to decide on a more appropriate response to the situation. But what should a kid do? Parents who address anger in their children often respond negatively, pointing out the wrong without suggesting alternatives.

There are three positive choices. A kid can talk about it, get help, or slow down and persevere. Simplifying the choices makes the decision process easier. Even young children can learn to respond constructively to frustration when they know there are three choices. Take time to teach your children these skills and practice them as responses to angry feelings.

5. Never try to reason with a child who is enraged.

Sometimes children become enraged. The primary way to tell when children are enraged is that they no longer can think rationally and their anger is now controlling them. Unfortunately, many parents try to talk their children out of anger, often leading to more intensity. The child who is enraged has lost control. Whether it’s the 2-year-old temper tantrum or the 14-year-old ranting and raving, don’t get sucked into the dialog or shouting. It only escalates the problem. Talking about it is important, but wait until after the child has settled down.

6. Be proactive in teaching children about self-control.

Model, discuss, read and teach your children about anger, frustration management, rage reduction, and releasing bitterness. Talk about examples of frustration and anger seen in children’s videos. Talk about appropriate responses. Work together as a family to identify anger and choose constructive solutions.

7. Get help.

Sometimes a third party can provide helpful suggestions and guidelines to motivate your family to deal with anger in a more helpful way. An unbiased, professional ear is the best option, but even a trusted friend who can help you see the problem through a new lens is better than allowing your child to stew in anger, bitterness, and resentment. Unresolved anger can create problems in relationships later on. Children do not grow out of bitterness; they grow into it.

Is anger an issue in your family? What do you do to work through it?

Dr. Scott Turansky is an author and speaker known for his heartfelt parenting approach. He offers moms practical, real-life advice for many of parenting’s greatest challenges and is the founder of the National Center for Biblical Parenting.

ASK YOUR CHILD...

If you could assign a color to your emotions, what color would anger be? What about joy, excitement, and fear?

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