Raising teens can be stressful. The key to raising teenagers is to know what needs they have. Psychologist Dr. Bruce Narramore states in his book Parenting Teens that teenagers have 6 basic needs that must be met during adolescence to become healthy, well-adjusted adults.
And here they are:
1. Teens need to develop their distinct identity and a sense of their uniqueness.
There are some important things parents can do to help increase a teen’s identity. First, help identify areas of interest. Every teenager has a particular area of interest or areas where they excel. Whether it is in athletics, music, school, art, or ministry, help your teen to identify his area of competence. Second, provide praise and encouragement. It is vital that teenagers receive praise and encouragement from parents or other influential adults. (Also, be willing to let your teen develop his own identity. This article about ways to let him do that is helpful.)
2. Teens need to separate from their childhood dependency on their parents.
You can do something to help them during this transition. Get your son or daughter involved with a “mentor.” A mentor can be a powerful force as teens develop convictions because “outside instruction” can make a special impression on their lives.
Another way to meet your child’s need to separate from you is to do less for your teen. Here are six things you can skip doing to help your teen develop independence.
3. Teens need to develop meaningful relationships with peers and others outside the family.
As you may have already discovered, teenagers enjoy spending exceedingly more time away from home than they did at younger ages. Your adolescent’s peer group is important to satisfy their need for companionship, fun, emotional support, understanding, and intimacy. Although they still need these things from their families and other adults, it’s vital in their development to receive these things from friends as well.
Adding to Dr. Narramore’s advice, since having a friend group is one of a teen’s most vital adolescent needs, consider the ease with which your child develops relationships. Some teens make friends easily; for others, building relationships with peers is a source of stress. If your teen struggles in this area, try to provide opportunities for her to make friends. Check out teen groups at the Y, your church, or other places where kids like her hang out. Of course, don’t let her know that you’re on a mission to help her make friends. That will just make her feel more stressed.
4. Teens need to develop their capacity to relate well to the opposite sex.
What can we do specifically to assist teenagers in making decisions about their relationships with the opposite sex? If you are considering allowing dating, then develop a dating contract. Having a written contract helps take the pressure off guessing when a teen is ready to date. It’s impossible to say that someone is ready to date at a specific age. Instead, dating readiness should be the result of a teenager displaying certain internal character qualities like honor, integrity, responsibility, and resistance to peer pressure. The dating contract can provide the family with accountability, fairness, clarity, security, and togetherness.
You can also use iMOM’s Talking About Dating Conversation Starters.
5. Teens need to gain the confidence and skills to prepare for a career and adult responsibilities.
Not only is it important to encourage teenagers in the areas that they have interest in, but it is also necessary to teach them real skills. The straightforward teaching of skills to adolescents often results in increased achievement and enhanced self-esteem. In other words, the more skills a teenager acquires (e.g., how to cook, change the oil, fix something broken, or build something), the better he will feel about himself. Here are the 10 skills iMOM founder Susan Merrill tried to equip her teens with before they left home.
6. Teens need to develop ownership of their faith.
Church is an important way to help your teenagers to foster ownership of their spiritual convictions. Researchers found that people who attended weekly religious services or practiced daily prayer or meditation in their youth reported greater life satisfaction and positivity in their 20s…than people raised with less regular spiritual habits.” Going to church can help your teenagers foster ownership of their spiritual convictions.
Final Thought
You must make time when your teenagers need it—watching for teachable moments. When they come to us, we must be careful what we communicate. If we say, “Not now, I’m busy,” they’ll observe what we are doing and compare their importance to it. After we have filled their “emotional gas tank,” they usually are off to be with their friends. Maybe we haven’t explained everything we wanted to say, but they’re filled up. And that’s OK. A teenager needs to know that he’s valuable and that his parents are available at times when he needs them.
What other adolescent needs do you see in your teenagers?
Dr. Greg Smalley serves as executive director of Marriage and Family Formation at Focus on the Family and is passionate about equipping premarital and married couples with the knowledge, skills, and insights necessary to enjoy a lifetime together.
