Why Husbands Lose Interest in Sex


On my blog, I write predominantly about marriage and sex, and because of that, women who face problems in the bedroom often email me. And the most common complaint? “My husband doesn’t want to have sex.” A typical email says something like, “I am so sick of hearing women complain about how their husbands want it all the time. I just want my husband to want it some of the time!”

If you’re experiencing something similar, you are not alone. Many women who endure their husbands’ low sex drives, though, are often greeted with jeers from their friends—“I wish my husband would give me a break sometimes!” That doesn’t help. You feel like a freak. Why does everyone else’s husband want sex and yours doesn’t?

But you’re not a freak. In one of the surveys that I took for this book, 23 percent of the female respondents stated that they had the higher sex drive[1]. The Journal of the American Medical Association published a 1999 study finding that 31 percent of males suffered from decreased libido[2], so it’s hardly a rare problem. Here are some of the causes.

Low Testosterone:

About five million American men suffer from low testosterone, the hormone responsible for sexual arousal. If your husband seems to have a low libido, try to convince him to have it checked out. A simple blood test can verify whether he does indeed have low hormone levels. Assuming nothing else is wrong (often there’s an underlying disease causing low testosterone, which would have to be treated), low testosterone on its own can be corrected with hormone replacement therapy [3].

Weight Problems:

In some cases, male low libido is simply a physical issue. And the “biggest” culprit? Fat. Fat cells produce estrogen which works against testosterone—the libido builder—in men. The more estrogen, the less desire. Robert Rister, author and chemist who has written at length on how to cure low libido naturally says, “Nothing does more to restore male sex drive than achieving normal weight[4].” Beer has even been linked to erectile dysfunction. Flee from hops, and the beer gut will go away too!

Pornography:

Another huge libido stealer for men is pornography. The more men are into pornography, the less they are into sex in real life. Porn trains the brain to be aroused by the image, not the relationship. If your husband is into pornography, get help. Talk to a pastor. Talk to a mentor. Visit www.pureintimacy.org. Porn is not harmless, and it’s not just fun.

Addiction:

Addiction to porn will lower his libido, but so will addiction to just about anything. If he spends hours every night with video games or watching TV, he’s not likely to want to make love very often, either. Addiction to alcohol or a kind of drug can also lower one’s sex drive.

When addiction affects a couple’s sexual relationship, it does need to be dealt with, but remember that a genuine addiction is not easy to break. The problem is not so much that your husband is rejecting you sexually as it is that, because he is so consumed with something else, he is unable to feel aroused or excited. That consuming feeling is very difficult for him to fight against. Sure, the addiction is wrong, but you’ll be better able to help him through his struggles if you realize that chemically and emotionally, his lack of interest in sex is not necessarily a rejection of you; it is simply a physiological response to something else. Look for addiction recovery groups in your area to get advice on steps you can take to help him.

Workaholism:

Sometimes that addiction isn’t focused on something negative—such as alcohol or video games or porn—but on something positive, such as work. And work provides an awfully strong temptation, because men tend to thrive when they feel competent. And if your husband doesn’t feel competent or involved at home, it is quite likely that he will look for other places to invest most of his energy. For many men, that place is work. They derive such satisfaction from building a business, earning money or prestige, or just working hard and accomplishing something that all of their passion, drive, and energy are devoted to work, not you.

If you berate him and nag him for not being home, you’ll likely send him running even harder for work, where he’s praised and admired. Create a home where you laugh and where you demonstrate respect and love. Carve out time to value him and have fun with him so that home life becomes a haven and a source of strength for him too.

Lack of Friendship:

Often when there is a problem in the marriage, it shows up in the bedroom. But because the symptom is in the bedroom, we often think the solution is too. So we concentrate on strategies that have to do with sex—buying lingerie, playing risqué games, using toys, watching porn, and trying new things.

In reality, the solution is often found outside the bedroom. Sex embodies our spiritual, emotional, and relational selves. If your husband has a low sex drive that isn’t due to health problems or addictions, then the best route to s solution is to work on your friendship. Spend more time together. Do something he likes even if you don’t (e.g. watching hockey games) simply so you can be together.

Don’t get lazy. Many couples live separate lives because they slowly drift into them. One night he comes home, and he’s tired so he slumps in front of the television instead of talking to her. She heads to the computer to check Facebook. And soon these separate lives become the norm. When kids arrive, it only gets worse. If you want to spice things up, don’t look at the bedroom. Look at the gym. Or the ice rink. Or the restaurant. Do stuff together. Eat dinner at an actual table where you can talk. Often this helps you feel connected, and then, even if the sex doesn’t always follow, at least you’re acting more kindly toward each other.

Lack of Respect:

Girls, watch how you talk to your husband. Undermining our men is remarkably easy. I know many Christian women who belittle their husbands in public without realizing it. When you open your mouth to say something to your husband to others, make sure that comment is something uplifting. And when you’re alone, express gratitude much more than you express criticism. But our respect for our husbands goes even further than that.

Ladies, if something is important to your husband, it should matter to you. Some men retreat simply because they get the impression they aren’t wanted, and so they try to carve out a place in the world where they can escape. Before blaming him for running away emotionally and sexually, ask yourself if you have done anything to push him out. And if you have, maybe it’s time to ask his opinion and start honoring it again.

Lack of Confidence:

Other men have trouble with libido because they’re scared of sex itself. One thirty-two-year-old woman who reports having sex less than once a month explains that the problem is her husband’s upbringing: “We’re still trying to work through the damage done by his parents’ fundamentalist teachings of sex, thus making him feel like sex is a bad thing.”

Still others suffer from fear; fear they’re not good in bed, fear that they’re inadequate compared to their past lovers, or fear that they may experience erectile dysfunction. For these emotionally based fears, the best defense is building your friendship and the trust in your relationship so that he knows you accept him completely.

[1] My figure of 23 percent tends to be lower than most research on the subject, but as is explain in Ch. 12, I think that is largely due to the different populations. My study was 83 percent Christian women who were active in their faith. It seems likely that in the subpopulation, male low libido is less of a factor, as we’ll look at later.

[2] Edward O. Laumann, Anthony Paik, Raymond C. Rosen, “Sexual Dysfunction in the united States: Prevalence and predictors,” Journal of American Medical Association 6 (February 1999): 537-44

[3] “Low Testosterone Reference Summary,” The Patient Education Institue, 2009

[4] Robert Rister, “Top Reasons for Low Libido: Sex Drive Killers,” Men’s Health, January 13, 2010

Taken with Permission from The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex by Sheila Wray Gregoire.

Comments


  • Lisa

    I have gained weight and I’m having a terrible time trying to lose it. My boyfriend tells me how much he still loves me but he has completely lost interest in sex. We used to have an incredible passionate sex life. Now we have sex once a month or so at most. I’m about 30 lbs over my goal weight and I struggle with depression, Hashimotos thyroid disease, I work a 24 on 48 off shift and have a lot of other stress in my life that I know are contributing to my weight problem. Now I’m worried about our relationship too!

    • Tammy

      30 lbs is not much. Try calorie counting. Most likely, soda pop or even juice is adding lots of calories.

      Can you use cannabis? It has helped me and my husband. Alcohol is really, really bad – limp, angry, delirious.

      • Lxox

        Thank you Tammy. I am also a Holistic Nutritionist so proper nutrition is not an issue for me. Due to my propensity towards depression cannabis as well as alcohol are not good options for me. Over the past few months it has become apparent to me that my excess weight is a result of some emotional baggage that I have been hanging on to for many years.

  • very worried

    My Husband and I had a miscarriage 5 months ago, ever since then he hasn’t wanted to be sexual. I asked him about it and he said that he decided that he didn’t want any more kids and that he just isn’t interested in sex any more. I have tried everything we started going on dates but nothing that I can think of seems to work, at this point I feel like I could walk around naked and not even get a glance. Heck I would even be happy if made love to me even once a month. I feel like I’m too young to be going through this, we are only in our early 30’s and have a 2 year old. Please Help.

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    • Amy

      Please know that my heart aches for you. Although I do not know where your marriage is today, I am praying that your feelings of rejection will be healed as well as your marriage.

      Please know that you are deeply loved. “By day the Lord directs his love, at night his song is with me— a prayer to the God of my life.” Psalm 42:8 NIV

      • amy

        I’m positive my marriage was a waste of my time. I blame myself for that. I should have just moved on, to him he probably wouldn’t have noticed. But I’m past the age of moving on and I just don’t care any more! It’s horrible to feel the way I do, I know I screwed up but its just to late. I stopped loving him 40 years ago.

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  • Jean Roman

    My hubby and I have been married over 20 years.. most of the time I was the worker.. we fought over 7 years to receive his disability. My job was one that had mandatory overtime and I rarely got more then 2 days off in a row. 1 year ago I became disabled& now I am home full time. Currently we haven’t had sex in almost 5 years. I always known I have a higher sex drive then he did, but at least we would get together a couple of times a month… . I’ve tried everything.. sexy outfits, I’ve lost over 60 lbs, etc. etc. He will not even discuss sex to the point he will change the tv channel lately if I am watching it with him and a ‘couple’ are even just lying in bed.
    It’s to the point I am considering having an affair just to get some sexual release/attention. I am to the point I feel like I am not much of a woman. I believe in the marriage vows I took.. and am at a loss of what to think/feel anymore…

    • Rona L. Gooden

      I have been down that road. I had several affairs in my first marriage. He actually wanted to be a part of them once he found out. Talking about trying everything? Everything is not the right answer. It only made things worse, not that they were that great to begin with. I feel wonderful and secure in my 2nd marriage to someone I know will be with me til the end. However, I do struggle with this issue. In my first marriage I only wanted to be left alone and was not even interested in sex with him. In this marriage, I only wish he desired me half as much as my ex wanted it. Now I’m the one complaining about not getting enough. I suppose the tables have turned. I do appreciate the advice in the blog, though. My husband loves spending time with me. I often decline his invitations to take a ride with him. I like staying at home and working on my projects. Perhaps when I don’t ride with him on errands, he feels the same way I feel when he does not respond to my advances. I do honor and respect him, and compliment him as often as I can and when I notice things he has done. I just wish I was not the one initiating all the time. I feel like “not much of a woman” also, when he does not act like he desires me. He does love and desire me. He just eats up all my attention instead of responding sexually to it. I think I will ask him to get his hormone levels checked. Before I read this, I was feeling undesirable, mad and really down. Now I have some hope and have been encouraged by the blog. I admit it is easy to get lazy and slip into your own interests all by yourself. Lord knows I have just forgotten about the world outside my sewing workshop when I am busy on a quilt. My first passive aggressive instinct/retaliation is not the answer, which is to dress up real sexy and leave the house, say mean things to him or make snide remarks, avoid him, withdraw and shut down emotionally. I would have done some of these things even a year ago, but I am more than my revenge. I will be mature about this. I hope things have gotten better for you. Change begins with us, like it or not.

      • BaldheadedFoo

        Honestly, with all the “progressiveness” that American women have achieved I think most of you have lost sight of what sexually appeals to men. Although, feminism and evolution has changed women’s motivations and goals it has not changed what makes a man sexually satisfied. I think this is one area where American women could learn a lot from foreign ones, who still understand how to please a man. Its not rocket science, just upbringing and devotion.

        • janon

          Tend to agree in some ways. Everyone rushes to medication and hormones as an answer too. If 23% of couples have this issue that means about 15 million men don’t want sex. For 5 million of those low T *might* be the answer. That’s 1/3. 2/3 is something else, yet *every* article opens with hormones, fixates on hormones, and encourages women to assume it’s hormones.

          2/3 of the time… It ain’t hormones

    • Rona L. Gooden

      I have been down that road. I had several affairs in my first marriage. He actually wanted to be a part of them once he found out. Talking about trying everything? Everything is not the right answer. It only made things worse, not that they were that great to begin with. I feel wonderful and secure in my 2nd marriage to someone I know will be with me til the end. However, I do struggle with this issue. In my first marriage I only wanted to be left alone and was not even interested in sex with him. In this marriage, I only wish he desired me half as much as my ex wanted it. Now I’m the one complaining about not getting enough. I suppose the tables have turned. I do appreciate the advice in the blog, though. My husband loves spending time with me. I often decline his invitations to take a ride with him. I like staying at home and working on my projects. Perhaps when I don’t ride with him on errands, he feels the same way I feel when he does not respond to my advances. I do honor and respect him, and compliment him as often as I can and when I notice things he has done. I just wish I was not the one initiating all the time. I feel like “not much of a woman” also, when he does not act like he desires me. He does love and desire me. He just eats up all my attention instead of responding sexually to it. I think I will ask him to get his hormone levels checked. Before I read this, I was feeling undesirable, mad and really down. Now I have some hope and have been encouraged by the blog. I admit it is easy to get lazy and slip into your own interests all by yourself. Lord knows I have just forgotten about the world outside my sewing workshop when I am busy on a quilt. My first passive aggressive instinct/retaliation is not the answer, which is to dress up real sexy and leave the house, say mean things to him or make snide remarks, avoid him, withdraw and shut down emotionally. I would have done some of these things even a year ago, but I am more than my revenge. I will be mature about this. I hope things have gotten better for you. Change begins with us, like it or not.

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  • sammyshame

    I am so happy to hear that I am not alone, For months now my husband is just not interested. Even if he tries its just not working. I am on that point now that I refuse to be naked in front of him he does not even seem to notice my reluctance to get dress in front of him. I am so tired of giving him a turnoff I just don’t want to even mention the word sex anymore. it breaks my heart to say that the only conclusion I can think of at this point is that he does not find me attractive anymore…as simple as that. I don’t know if it can carry on like this any longer he might as well be my brother or a good friend we have no intimacy….there is nothing I haven’t tried yet and I am exhausted being on this emotional ups and downs

    • Candice

      I am so sorry to hear this. Have you sat down and talked with him about how you are feeling? I pray that God will help you two to work together and figure this issue out . Praying for you.

    • L Patrick

      I hear you. I’m beginning to think perhaps I WAS ALWAYS the aggressor in our marriage re:sex & I
      and I finally came to that conclusion 10-15 years ago. IT IS PITIFUL!!!! I decided not to initiate & see what happens / and next thing I knew 2 years went by. Our distraction is our kids. We both love yhen, so we don’t focus on our marriage.

      • Rona L. Gooden

        Oh no. You must focus on the marriage. Your children learn what kind of marriage to have from you. Do you want them to have an empty, nearly non-existent sex-life as well? Daughters marry their fathers (men like their fathers). If they see no love or physical contact between their parents, they will not seek that out, and will later realize it is missing in their lives.

      • Rona L. Gooden

        Oh no. You must focus on the marriage. Your children learn what kind of marriage to have from you. Do you want them to have an empty, nearly non-existent sex-life as well? Daughters marry their fathers (men like their fathers). If they see no love or physical contact between their parents, they will not seek that out, and will later realize it is missing in their lives.

  • Amy

    My husband hasn’t been interested in me or any one else for 47 years. Way past the age of caring any more. The marriage itself has a lot of investment in it. Straighten your out your marriage early in life.

    • mick h

      I am a husband who has lost interest in sex… with my wife. I place the blame entirely on her. It all changed after the kids came along, her focus changed entirely, and my needs go ignored. No blowjobs, she never puts on sexy underwear, despite knowing how much it turns me on. I do ALL the work between the sheets, all I get is a limp wristed handjob for foreplay. So basically I can’t be bothered with her in bed any more. Us men are quite easy to please, but it seems many women make less effort once the ring is on the finger, and the kids are born. All I am now is the bill payer.

      • Kaleigh

        Mick, I’m truly sorry to hear this and I do hope things get better. My husband and I read a book a few years ago and the author noted something profound that has since changed our marriage. He encouraged men to touch their wive’s hearts before they touched their body. I don’t know what your marriage looks like but I do hope this is an encouragement to you.

      • Libby

        Mick,

        Thank you for sharing this. Maybe one thing to try, if you have not already, is tell her how you are feeling. I know that sometimes when I get busy with life, I sometimes can ignore things that were once obvious or ‘routine’. I hope that you both are able to see each other’s hearts and can move forward with understanding.

      • Andrew Mayer

        Hey Mick,

        I’m a guy. I’m married with two elementary-aged kids. My wife works full-time, and we both have a lot that we’re balancing in life. I resonate with your post. In fact, I think a lot of my friends resonate with this as well, because… we’ve talked about this very thing… sometimes a LOT!

        You mentioned that you’ve lost interest in sex… specifically with your wife. I don’t know where faith or religion enter the picture for you, but from a distinctly Christian perspective, sex is intended… even DESIGNED to be mutually satisfying for both of you. As men, we definitely like the idea of this, but in order for it to work as God intended, there has to be a sacred commitment from the husband to reserve his sexuality completely for his wife. (Yes, the wife should reserve this only for her husband as well, but right now I’m just a guy talking to another guy so we men are the focus of this.) 🙂

        Where I think we sometimes go wrong with this is that we allow ourselves to think that if our wives aren’t satisfying this sexual need like we think they should that we are therefore allowed to pursue other means of meeting this need. Society certainly isn’t going to steer you away from this perspective, but what I’ve learned from reading my Bible and having countless honest conversations with friends is that when we begin to look to others for this, something dangerous happens. I’ll clarify that in a moment, but for the sake of being ridiculously clear, when I say looking to others I’m specifically meaning “socially acceptable” things like pornography and masturbation, as well as more risky things like affairs and prostitution. ALL of this (even the RELATIVELY minor/socially acceptable things) have the potential to bring our marriages to a dangerous place… and that “dangerous” thing is that it can make any guy lose his feeling of “needing” his wife.

        What I’ve learned from talking with my wife and reading things like the iMOM articles and Espresso Minute emails (and yes, I do read them on a regular basis) is that when women feel like they’re only meeting a physical need, rather than being needed emotionally (and yes there is a big difference), it is very easy for them to stop making the effort to meet the physical need.

        Now, I’m willing to admit that I have totally missed what you’re saying, and I hope that I’m not speaking out of line, but if you’ll allow me to keep this train of thought going, I think there may be some benefit (if not for you, maybe for another guy reading this later).

        Because you specifically stated that you’ve lost interest in sex “with your wife” and not sex altogether, I have a challenge for you (and this is something that some of my friends and I have committed to, and we’ve seen improvement in our sex lives).

        What do you think would happen if you revisited your sacred commitment to reserve your sexuality completely for your wife? By this, I mean literally avoiding any sexual temptation that could lead to you satisfying your own need for sex… even those “socially acceptable” things mentioned above.

        If you did this, it would be going against what culture says is normal, but it would be aligning yourself more with what God (the self-proclaimed creator of sex) has to say. If you’re willing to do things His way, you will be more likely to experience the benefits that He has created (which again is a mutually satisfying sex life for BOTH of you).

        To really go the distance on this challenge, I’ve got to admit that you’ll really benefit from other guys who will support you in this commitment.

        The benefits to this (and yes, I understand that it takes time) is that if you allow your wife to primarily meet your need for sexual fulfillment, I’d venture to say you’ll start looking for (and finding) those ways to “touch your wife’s heart before touching her body” as Kaleigh said on this post a few days ago. Again, this takes time, but your wife will begin to feel desired in ways that she may not be feeling at the moment, and this may be all that is needed to get things moving in a more healthy direction.

        Now, as I’ve said about my personal situation, both my wife and I have a lot that we’re balancing in life. Sometimes, I need to be willing to put my needs on hold… temporarily… so that we can work through some of these normal “life” challenges that can seem to derail us. This is where I really like Libby’s comment on this post. She mentioned the importance of talking through this with your wife. Now, I’d be careful to focus on your own personal feelings instead of her perceived actions/intentions. (Use phrases like “I feel ___” rather than “why don’t you ____?”)

        Bottom line, Mick? I think there’s hope. In fact, I KNOW there’s hope. If this post has been helpful to you at all, please check out the amazing resources at AllProDad.com. There, you’ll find lots of honest talk from one guy to another, and since the only thing we can change in conflict is ourselves, you’ll find lots of good tips to help any guy change his situation by focusing on himself first.

        I’ll be praying for you, buddy! One day you’ll be commenting on other people’s posts telling them the lessons you’ve learned on how to have an incredible sex life! 🙂

        PS to any other readers (including Kaleigh and Libby who previously posted here)… I’d love to get a female’s take on what I said. Any thoughts?

        • Me

          I wish my husband would fight like this, we’ve been down the road of other women too many times to even find happiness anymore. pornography, dating sites and now affairs have ruined my self esteem, completely. I’m a mother of 2 and my husband wont let me touch him. No matter what I do, because I’m not ‘ariana grande skinny’ I’m not good enough. I picked shitty.

          • BaldheadedFoo

            if you really care about saving or re-establishing your sex life then you will work to find the inner ariana grande in you.

          • Me

            it’s crazy, I wrote that over a year ago.. I’ve saved myself esteem by saying fuck what everyone wants me to be and to find my inner ‘self’.. I’ve never been happier, and my marriage has never been better. screw finding my ‘inner Ariana grande’, that’s what they want you to do. I love me more.

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  • L Patrick

    My husband consciously DENIES me sex because he doesn’t think I keep the house clean enough. What does one have to do with the other. There have been YEARS that go by & no sex. If we had sex, it was because I initiated it. I decided to stop doing that & the man is just limp. I’ve caught him looking at porn so maybe that is where he is getting his sexual satisfaction. He does have have a problem getting an erection, he just enjoys having the power. I’ve looked into having an affair SEVERAL times during our marriage. We have 2 high school children who will be off to college in 2-3 years. So I’m just trying to keep it together til then. We had been married almost 28 years!!! I should add that I’m an attractive blonde with a decent body & every other husband within our friendship circle, gives me compliments. So there is no reason visually why he wouldn’t want sex. It’s control for him.

    I just don’t know that I can last another 3 years to stay married for our children’s sake.
    Not to mention I feel so undesired & not wanted I am so unhappy most the time

    • Lauren

      L Patrick,

      Praying for hope and redemption in your marriage.

      Lauren

  • Wen

    Ya all the problems lies with the woman. If the men didnt want sex with his wife, do you think the wife can laugh n smile at him?

    • Rona L. Gooden

      I agree. It is extremely difficult to laugh and smile at someone who you
      feel is avoiding you sexually. I found what works for me is to remember
      why I love my husband, and to make a list of all the wonderful things
      he does, and think of what life would be like without him, or those
      things. If I’m complaining about the sex or lack of, and this is all I
      have to complain about, then I must have it pretty good. I admit I have
      gotten lazy and both of us have just started settling into this pattern
      of doing our own things. The tv time in the evenings gets later and
      later and less and less. I realize I have to go to him sometimes, just
      like Ruth went to Boaz. He allows me to do whatever I want and not bug
      me when I’m making things, and not complain when I don’t come in for tv
      time. He accepts me and all my creative needs. I realize I am the one
      who stays away, hidden in my workshop. If I need him, all I have to do
      is ask. I struggle with swallowing my pride and showing my
      vulnerability. I feel like my feelings of not being desired are stupid
      and I just want to ignore them. But the more I try, the worse I feel.
      After reading the blog, I have more compassion for him and less anger. I
      still feel hurt, but I realize that he could be filling his void with
      those video game and Facebook addictions because I have not cut out time
      for him. This is why they say marriage is work. I think we have to
      fight with ourselves to not give in to complacency.

      • Colonel Muppet

        Well done. One step closer to becoming a great spouse. Tell your friends.

    • Rona L. Gooden

      I agree. It is extremely difficult to laugh and smile at someone who you
      feel is avoiding you sexually. I found what works for me is to remember
      why I love my husband, and to make a list of all the wonderful things
      he does, and think of what life would be like without him, or those
      things. If I’m complaining about the sex or lack of, and this is all I
      have to complain about, then I must have it pretty good. I admit I have
      gotten lazy and both of us have just started settling into this pattern
      of doing our own things. The tv time in the evenings gets later and
      later and less and less. I realize I have to go to him sometimes, just
      like Ruth went to Boaz. He allows me to do whatever I want and not bug
      me when I’m making things, and not complain when I don’t come in for tv
      time. He accepts me and all my creative needs. I realize I am the one
      who stays away, hidden in my workshop. If I need him, all I have to do
      is ask. I struggle with swallowing my pride and showing my
      vulnerability. I feel like my feelings of not being desired are stupid
      and I just want to ignore them. But the more I try, the worse I feel.
      After reading the blog, I have more compassion for him and less anger. I
      still feel hurt, but I realize that he could be filling his void with
      those video game and Facebook addictions because I have not cut out time
      for him. This is why they say marriage is work. I think we have to
      fight with ourselves to not give in to complacency.

  • Emily Laurens

    I never believed in love spells or magic until I met this spell caster
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    good paying job. So when I met this spell caster, I told him what happened
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    family and he got a new job interview so we should get married. I didn’t
    believe it because the spell caster only asked for my name and my boy
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  • RS

    I’ll join in. Let’s further address the possibility that the woman is doing or not doing something that makes her totally or somewhat undesirable to her man. Women,do you think for a minute that your husband will continue to be interest in sex with you if you regularly (I didn’t say constantly) complain, diss, or doubt him in some way? What about if you, out of immaturity, entitled-ness, or meanness, regularly fail to appreciate him, what he does, or what he provides. In many a man’s experience, there are some very ungrateful wives (and mom’s who raise some very ungrateful children). Do they, do you, appreciate the fact that we men aren’t the stupid, barely necessary slobs of the universe. How often are we compared, with your thoughts and your words to someone else or some ideal? This may not be you … most likely you won’t think it is or that it’s a serious problem … but we, who try to responsibly do our job just to find you seldom noticing and frequently complaining, lucky for you, that we care enough about our commitment and ourselves to not go cheat. So many women and children (and men) of this day think that all that’s necessary is to have a perfect happy day, each and every day, regardless of whether or not anyone has paid the price to make that possible. We live in a society that feels it has the right to education, health insurance, retirement, etc even when that society is trillions of dollars in debt. Whether it’s the woman or the man footing the bill for roof over head, food and water, clothes, braces, cars, roads/bridges/world travel, etc there better be some serious appreciation for what is provided. Good luck to you if “honey I’d like your attention” is just another complaint. I can’t guarantee it always works but I believe that the best hope that a woman has for having a man be interested in her is to be appreciative of what he and we men do. Isn’t it time to move on from the notions planted by the women’s movements?

    • Colonel Muppet

      Absolutely! Great post. Women would rather turn to the internet rather than do the hard yards and work on themselves.

      The feminist movement has bred a society full of female victims where men are to blame for everything, and kids are prioritised higher than husbands. Its backfired spectacularly – the irony being you get sad offspring because Dad leaves.

      • mille100piedi .

        the problem is men today are pussy

    • Lilyrose

      I actually think the men today are sexually spoiled brats who are ungrateful and nasty. They think they can have whatever they want. I want to go back to the old days again too. Only I think the man should kill a leopard and present the woman with it before she will let him. Maybe the men would value sex more, if they had to work like hell to get it.

      • BaldheadedFoo

        The problem is that most American women these days have no clue how to be feminine or humble anymore. Your resentment and demoralizing attitude is very transparent to us. That is a sexual turnoff. No amount of dialogue, therapy or certified experts can change that. You could learn a lot from these women who live in more “primitive” cultures and are still in touch with their sexuality…and getting sex on the regular (look at their birth rates!).

        Even female animals know how to still get a male’s attention – BY STICKING WITH THE SAME FORMULA that has worked since the beginning of time! opposed to the typical American woman’s strategy of trying to be the man. BTW, that includes your loose behavior. Being feminine doesn’t mean being loose.

        • mille100piedi

          you don’t really have a clue, in less developed countries they do have many children but the father very often disappears from the scene. You don’t have any idea how many women have to work very hard to support all their children. Thanks god I am not from that countries….in europe luckily man can’t just have sex, have children and than disappear. I know you like that, I suggest you to move to a less developed country you so you can behave as you really want

        • Lilyrose

          you have no idea what kind of morals I have.

    • mille100piedi .

      It is not my case, I support financially my boyfriend and he never paid any bill. And guess what? he is not appreciate this, for him is normal I paid all the bills he is not interested in this. On the top of that he is not having sex with me anymore.

  • Rita

    My husband of 6 yrs has finally come out and tell me the main reason he isn’t as intimate with me these past 3 years is because he doesn’t find me attractive anymore. This isn’t something I take lightly because it’s affected us for so long now and I’m really embarrassed by this, he says he loves me but he just doesn’t feel the same about me anymore and I’m pretty sure this feeling has been ruining our marriage for the past 3-6 years. We fight over the silliest things from how we drive to what to make for dinner. I feel like he has so much resentment towards me and its hard for him to look at me in a sexual way, plus my weight gain hasn’t help either. After having our son I’ve gained some weight but I do still make the effort to dress nicely and still be fashionable and sexy whenever I can. I work out and I still get hit on by other men usually when I am out or with girlfriends. I have never cheated on him even though sometimes I do get tempted from men who offer to buy me drinks and such. but I still have the butterflies for him. I feel like he’s my best friend and we make great buddies when its to hangout at home eating pizza and watching netflix. but when it comes to my need for his touch or his passion he just isn’t up for it. We recently had a 6 yr anniversary + my bday + Valentines weekend ,, we did all the nice things prior but when it comes to romance in the bedroom I got nothing but snores. He prefers to just cuddle and go to bed. I have resorted to toys and such but I just miss him being passionate and I am truly scared that we can’t get back to our old selves if he feels so differently about me. I don’t know if its my weight or the sheer fact that I make it too easily accessible for him that he doesn’t care to have sex any longer. I no longer ask for sex anymore and I think I suffer through that method as well. I feel like my self esteem has taken a hit even though I try to be the kind of woman who loves herself no matter who’s watching, it just makes it harder for me to love my reflection when my own husband doesn’t want to touch me. What’s the next step or have I lost all hope to this marriage, I just want us to be happy and I can tell our marriage is affecting our son when he sees just disagreeing and generally not being happy, we have tried to not argue in front of him but its hard when we only have one kid and he’s around us most of the time. I want a happy marriage but how can I be happy if he says he’s no longer attracted to me. What more can I do to make him love me? Even if I lose all my extra lbs. I can’t guarantee that I will be skinny and sexy forever .. what if we do ever have another child and I gain even more weight? Do I just wait for him to find someone else that he finds attractive and then he finally realizes that he wants to be with her instead? I just want him to be happy and if that is what he wants then would that be fair?..

    Please be constructive and this is my first serious relationship/marriage so I am pretty lost as experience goes.

    Help xo LostWife

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    • Colonel Muppet

      He has been kind enough not to tell you his feelings for a long time.

      You need to take on a new regime and get fit. Don’t do it for him, do it for yourself. Positive things happen when you are fit.

      Have you ever refused sex when things were working? There’s only so much rejection men can take before they give up altogether.

      You women, you want us to talk about feelings and ‘open up’ but if yiu get the truth 99% of you can’t handle it.

      This is typical female inability to take criticism of any sort. Poor thinking requires psychiatry.

    • Lilyrose

      I think you might be on to something about being too available. I think that’s my problem. It’s too easy for him. I feel like my husband is like a spoiled child who won’t eat his dinner and the mom keeps cooking different things to get him to eat. I am not sure what to do. I don’t think he is grateful that someone wants him. I don’t think he is grateful for all that I do. These men seem to like women who are mean and spoiled and flighty. I guess it’s a challenge for them.

    • mille100piedi .

      I am sorry for your situation, I am in a similar situation my sex drive is very high and it was always high, unfortunately my boyfriend doesn’t want to have sex with me anymore. I had sex with another man, it made me more sad because I would like to have sex with my boyfriend because I love him so much. I cry very often and I try hard to hide my tears. I think I was too easy for my boyfriend, I am wealthy and I support him financially. Sometimes I think men only appreciate bitches that take advantage of them.

      • BaldheadedFoo

        Men appreciate women who let men be the man and the woman is willing to be the woman. The transitioning of American culture is really screwing everyone up right now.

        • mille100piedi

          what are you talking about, my boyfriend is too lazy and won’t find a job, nobody force him to stay at home. I am thinking seriously to end the relationship so he can start looking for a woman that is willing to be a woman, let’s see how they are going to survive since he is too lazy to find a job.

    • BaldheadedFoo

      In all sincerity I appreciate your candid story and putting yourself out there for the rest of us. Personally, i believe there is a general trend in American culture toward women losing touch with their sexuality over the years, thus affecting men to lose interest in their partners.

      Its important for you to be aware of what and who turns him on. Take note and observe what other women are doing to light him up that you are not. I would even ask him which female celebrities he likes and why. That will help you better understand his motivations so you can make adjustments in your relationship.

    • Nadia

      Give him an ultimatum. If his behavior doesn’t change, then there is no marriage. Your son DOES see everything and it’s not just you suffering. First things first, tell him you want him to get “snipped” so there will be no more kids brought into This! His reaction may give you some insight into what hes thinking (if hes thinking at all). Regardless what he thinks, at the end of the day its YOUR thoughts that matter most. You have to live your life because no one else is going to live it for you. You should LOVE your life or you are doing those around you a Grave disservice at best.

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  • jessica williams

    I recently got married to a man I been with since the last 5 years. He is 10 years older than me, he’s in his 30s and i’m in my 20s. We’ve only done oral sex before marriage and now that we got married a couple of months ago, we still do not have much sex; that is about once a week or sometimes once in two weeks. I feel that being recently married, sex life should be more exciting and passionate. Many times I have to let go of my sexual feeling when I notice that he is not in mood. Will this get better with time?
    please suggest!!

    • Nadia

      No. Tell him your concern! Don’t hide it or it WILL get much MUCH worse. You dont want to be miserable. When it gets worse, you will have no choice but to leave or be miserable. If kids become involved it will be HELL. If it doesn’t get better within a few months just leave. I’m serious.

  • Frank

    My wife is not willing to try anything new sexually. It’s the same thing, in the same place, at the same time…always. Sex has become a chore which I do not look forward to doing.

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  • Rachel

    I’m having an issue with my boyfriend of about a year now. We haven’t had sex in about a month and he says it’s because I’m sensitive down there since it hurts when we have sex. He said he’s just tired of that happening so he doesn’t want to even try to have sex with me anymore. He just has this I don’t care attitude and it makes me feel like he doesn’t care to work it out and try to make things better. It makes me frustrated and feel like he doesn’t care about our relationship.

    • Colonel Muppet

      He’s right. You need to figure out what is up with your body and fix it. Don’t blame him.

      Sex is supposed to allow humans to allow their passions and emotions out. Nothing worse than a partner complaining about pain.

      Does it not occur to you that you own this problem?

  • Colonel Muppet

    Rubbish. You have no idea what porn means to men. Just the mainstream feminist take on it.

    • Nadia

      So what does it mean to men?

      • Colonel Muppet

        The realization of most, if not all our desires. The reflection of our inner selves.

        There was a dream study last year looking a gender differences.

        Women dream of home and security.

        Men’s most common dream is orgies.

        Our society doesnt like to hear these truths.

        Men live in a state of cognitive dissonance because we dare not tell our partners the real truth, because most women are not strong enough to face this reality.

        Porn is the only outlet for most of us. Only rich guys can make these dreams come alive by paying girls.

        • Nadia

          Then why not practice polyamory? Why be a liar and marry a woman under the false impression and lie that you are “forsaking all others?” You are cheating a woman out of what you have promised in front of everyone and have made her into a fool. This dishonor cannot be good for society not to mention the relationship if you can call it that.

          • Colonel Muppet

            What are you talking about?

            i suspect there is a religious view behind your bizarre comment.

            Let’s turn this around shall we?

            Why marry a man and then refuse him sex at times he desires it?

            That is the same as cheating. Let’s take that further. Refusing to perform certain sex acts he desires, is also cheating him.

            Porn is not cheating. Porn has never forced anyone to cheat.

            Look up any articles by David J Ley.

            It sounds like you have had relationship problems. What ‘dishonor’ are you talking about?

            And why is society being let down?

          • mille100piedi .

            not all the men dream is orgies, I had boyfriend that didn’t feel comfortable and prefer have only one woman. Don’t generalize, not all the men are like you and not all the women are like me, I have specific erotic dreams and I don’t assume all the women have the same

          • Colonel Muppet

            Actually they are – that is what the sampled data tells us.

            The only difference is how well hidden each individual man makes it with his partner.

            Likewise, you may eroticize like men do too.

            But in general, based on normal distributions, women simply don’t have the same thought patterns around sex as men do.

          • mille100piedi

            I think that there are cultural reasons why many women can’t express their sexual feelings. Some man might like orgies, but do not want to marry a woman that like to have sex with several men. In many culture women has to be even virgin if they want to be marry. I grow up thinking that men are sex machines because this is what you see in movies, advertise and nobody is talking about men sexual problems. You just hear that men want always have sex, but women have always headache. The true is that now most of my female friends suffer a sexless marriage, not because they have headache, but because the husband doesn’t want sex, I don’t care what the sampled data tell us, I just care what is under my nose. Some men would like to have the wife at home doing the housework and raising the children, but then they also they want having sex with other women. The problem that they do not want their wife doing the same.

          • Nadia

            Porn has to be cheating. If its not, then that means i have to face the reality of no improvement (after hypothetically abstaining from porn viewing) in sexual ability on the part of my husband. He lasts about 20 seconds and im praying its due to his use of pornography and quick masterbation sessions that have led to his lack of ability in the bedroom. The assumption being that frequent masturbation trains the brain to see sex as nothing more than “getting off” and doing it “quickly”. This in turn leads to lackluster ability to perform in real life. Where porn is used as a replacement for quality sex, it is most definitely “cheating” the partner out of something!

          • Colonel Muppet

            Utter rubbish. Porn supplements sex for men.

            Look up David H Ley in Psychology Today and read some more his articles.

            Men in monogamous relationships use porn to substitute for the sex they’re not getting in a relationship.

            If your husband has a problem in the bedroom then its not down to porn in itself.

            Maybe he wants to do some weird stuff, and won’t tell you.

            Maybe he’s got some other dysfunction but porn is more likely symptom rather than cause.

            All healthy men masturbate without doubt.

            I’m sorry for your predicament and recommend your husband gets professional help.

          • Nadia

            Many men experience a limp dick with their real life partners as the shock value of pages and pages of sexual stimulation and novelty so prevalant in porn CANNOT be replicated in real life with ONE woman. Also, at one time in my marriage, my husband did lose all desire for me BECAUSE his needs were being met by porn. A Year later when i dicussed divorce he changed his desire real fucking quick and now im sitting here with nothing but bitterness for him – oh and 20 second sex sessions. Porn has made him self centered and quite worthless to me tbh.
            With kids, we do need counseling but we did it before and honestly it just made me hate him more lol.

          • Colonel Muppet

            It seems logical to you that this is the case given the facts you have. I can understand how you arrive at such a conclusion.

            But I reiterate that porn is the symptom not the cause.

            If he won’t seek help and it’s been going on for a long time then you need to think about moving along because it is clearly destroying your confidence and ego.

            Premature ejaculation has many causes and he needs help controlling himself. How old is he ffs?

          • Nadia

            Hes mid 30s. As for suggesting porn is the symptom not the cause i would suggest he may have a fear of intimacy. Due to both our backgounds, i would further suggest this may be my personal issue as well. The hard part is, how the hell do you find intimacy after 10 years when it was never there to begin with?

          • Colonel Muppet

            That I cannot answer. Perhaps the relationship should have not lasted as long as it has?

            I would recommend seeing a psychiatrist – personally I couldn’t recommend highlt enough.

            Forget about him – you need to look after yourself – find strength from within, coping strategies while all this goes on.

            Not easy I know, but you aren’t alone!

          • Nadia

            Thank you. I agree. But i think you should recommend a psychologist. A psychiatrist will just put you on drugs and tell you to get out of their office sooner than listen to any problems you might need to get off your chest.

          • Colonel Muppet

            That can happen. Insist on taking no meds for the first 6m and tell them you want to try CBT initially.

            You don’t have to go along with what the psychiatrist recommends all the time – do what you are comfortable with in the early stages. I found it takes a few months of building trust with them.

          • Nadia

            So you think this has me really messed up then? Do i sound that crazy?.. honest opinion.

          • Colonel Muppet

            You don’t sound crazy in the least!

            You merely sound unhappy and distressed because you aren’t getting what you need from your relationship which makes you a normal human being!

            Personally – having read a lot of philosophy and psychology over the years – I start from the position that we all alone in the world ultimately.

            Thus, if follows that we alone have the ability to be happy. We cannot expect our partners to shoulder all of the responsibility.

            Many of us however, need guidance on the road to happiness.

            The best thing I learned from therapy was how to stop catastrophising. How to stop negative thoughts from becoming negative emotions, that then effect other aspects of your life. Negative feedback loops that if unchecked can lead to depression.

            After a few years I became a stronger person – the shocks of life, unemployment, marital collapse etc became more manageable – accepted misfortunes rather than reasons to lower one’s self esteem.

            But most of all insight into myself; better self realization.
            Recognising I have key drivers that I need to feel whole and not letting friends or society’s often stupid, anachronistic ideas to influence my thought.

            Basically, put yourself first – stop focusing on your partner. Whatever happens you will be stronger and more flexible if you do so.

          • mille100piedi

            Nadia do not worry, many women are in your position. Believe me there are very few women that have crazy wild sex with their men, it doesn’t matter what they are showing you in movies or advertises. This is just BS. As a matter of fact in many cultures men try to control their women forcing them to wear cloths to hide their body, their face and their hair. This is because they know that many women will be unsatisfied about their sex life and, if their women have the occasion, they will looking for something else. Of course there are exceptions, but the fact that in so many cultures men tend to control women means something. You are not crazy, you just have an higher sex drive then your husband and if you want do divorce him and marry another men the probabilities that you find yourself in the same situation it is very high. I don’t know what to suggest you, maybe you can start to use porn as well, of course it is not like having wild sex with a man, but it is better the 20 seconds sex you are having now.

          • BaldheadedFoo

            at the end of the day there is no where else to look but in the mirror.

          • Nadia

            I’m afraid the mirror is telling me to leave so I can be free to be me again.

          • Nadia

            Society always crumbles with its roots beginning in the home. The health of society begins and ends with the family – for example, when the husband is getting his needs met elsewhere, the relationship suffers and everyone in the family (kids) feels it and it affects their future relationships and the negative cycle goes on and on. Nearly everyone who has offended somebody physically, sexually, etc. and ended up in prison comes from a broken home. By broken, i do NOT mean divorced necessarily!!!!

          • Colonel Muppet

            There are many reasons for the collapse of the family construct and marriages. And they’ve been present from the dawn of civilization.

            I contend that if your starting point with teaching the young about marriage/monogamy is just how unnatural it is from a biological standpoint, you lower expectations, and probably have a higher success rate of relationships.

            Too many people marry the first people they have sex with – fuelled by the oxytocin high, only to realise too late their incompatibilities – and the losers are the children of course.

            That people spend so much on weddings these days just demonstrates how ingrained in our culture these expectations are. Girls in particular are still bound to the fairy tale stereotypes. Hollywood shows us all the romantic crap leading to the wedding – and none of the darkness when it all falls apart in the aftermath.

          • Nadia

            Nicely said!
            To lower expectation, it would seem that arranged marriages might be the order of the day. Otherwise, of course, waiting until you are perfectly compatible with someone. But perfect compatibility is not possible in an imperfect world. Yet we still strive for it dont we? We strive for God (and many times dont find Him sadly). And at the end of the day, seeking God I suppose is the closest we can get to perfection.

          • BJ_Foster

            So you are going to trust one person as opposed to mounting scientific evidence and opinions from neuroscience, psychiatrists, psychologists, social workers, and marriage and family therapists, and even divorce lawyers regarding pornography? Does porn force someone to cheat? No it doesn’t “force” someone to cheat, but it can certainly grease the track. At best it is a bad way to handle relational difficulty because it involves disengagement. You are no longer engaging with your spouse. You are engaging with something that isn’t real to satisfy sexual desire. It’s a distraction that leads the heart away from a loved one, not closer. It simply furthers disconnection, distorts expectations, and increases bitterness.

          • Colonel Muppet

            Not another one of you delusional moralists…..

            Monogamy has been a mess since the beginning of civilization. Modern porn is just a new manifestation of an age old biological problem. The ancient world is littered with brothels and pornography.

            Do some real reading on the neuroscience instead of hacks trying to interpret the neuroscience and making false connections between correlation and causation. The Male Brain is a good starting point, complemented by the Female Brain (written by female Harvard neuroscientist)

            You typify mainstream views – propelled by venality in the main part; blaming porn is an easy win for those trying to sell books, therapy and other resources to a largely religious and simple minded population desperate for easy solutions.

            So much easier to tell women that pornography is destroying their relationship rather than the hard biological facts – men want physically fit looking partners. They want novelty and newness far more than women do. Both sexes get bored with each other after a few years.

            We send young people out esp in the US without the full picture of relationships. This is driven by religious and political cowardice of course.

            Nobody wants to say that marriage and child rearing is ultimately incredibly stressful and often ends in relationship breakdowns….lets find something else to blame instead…choose porn etc

          • Layla

            Polyamory is NOT the answer… to anything.

          • Nadia

            Thanks but it was a rhetorical question..

  • samzy 3011

    Can anyone reply me pls, I got married 6 months back, for 1 month my husband was completely attracted to me, but after that we started having conflicts which he couldn’t let go and dragged every little dispute for days and then he totally lost interest in sex, he even made his mother sleep with us for a month. Now he has gained 20 kgs weight and even if we spend a good day he just doesn’t do sex. Please give suggestions.

    • Layla

      Samzy – Your first response should be to pray. Ask God into your marriage. Ask Him to turn your hearts back to one another. Ask Him to reveal to you anything that you might be doing to hinder the relationship. Praying WITH your husband is powerful as well! This is not too big for God to fix!

      • samzy 3011

        Thank u, he doesn’t pray much but I’ll surely do

  • mille100piedi .

    I had an affair and I use pornography, if my boyfriend doesn’t want to have sex with me anymore it is normal that I find other solution to the problem

  • samzy 3011

    Thank you

  • BaldheadedFoo

    Many foreign-born women are increasingly the best path to go these days because they respect men, are more in tune with their sexuality and don’t resent men for acknowledging it.

    A lot of American women emasculate their partners and don’t even try to take care of themselves anymore – getting fatter and less fashionable by the day. Men NEED to be revered just like women do and we also need to be visually and emotionally stimulated.

    • Nadia

      Or you could just ask for what you want. But that would take actual effort on your part wouldn’t it? Best to just leave the country!

    • mille100piedi

      very wrong. I am not from USA I am Italian and in Italy there are not so many obese people like in USA, we still eat healthy food. And we are very stylish….
      I guess you are talking about women that come from less developed country that are looking for man that can give them financial stability and a passport….oh yeah..this is true love….

  • Sneha SIngh

    Myotaut serum is doing a great job of grip and firming my vagina. It’s no pain or bad feeling. I used double pumps and a tool for complete insertion. My boyfriend keeps saying “your so tight, and I’m the best he’s ever had.

  • li_bri

    How about if the wife is just an asshole?

  • Alina Fahad

    I got married 5 months back and my husband used to get phsical with me everyday but this was only one month then he stopped having sex we fight every night but its a ‘NO’ always . I want a kid but its not gonna work like this tell me what to do ? Please my husband is addicted to funny videos, vlogs and talk shows etc he is all the time using his mbl. My age is 21 and my husband is 26 years old.

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  • cherl

    I’ve been married for three years. I’ve met him through friends and he showed some affection only with kissing and hugging.
    I’m not very sure if I love him, but I can tell that he is a good friend.
    He used to be a good kisser, but after married, he never kiss me like he used to be. He likes to hug and gives a good night kiss before we sleep. I just feel like I’m his daughter.
    He never touch me, ever. On our first night, I was the one who touched him and wanted to have sex. He said to me that he is still virgin, so I tried to guide him. I thought he liked what I was doing, when I tried to make him ejaculate, he stopped me and told me that he didn’t want to have an orgasm. I was confused, than I stopped. He didn’t ask me if I want it or not either.
    He just said that I must be patient because this is his first time.
    After a month, I asked him again ( since he never touch or ask anything about sex), but he refused it.
    I waited for another 5 months and during that month, he didn’t do anything, never asked, nothing.
    I was confused and I asked him to go to the doctor, again he refused it and yelled at me that if I love him, I must be very patient and never ask him again. He even said that if I love him, I should wait even for 5 years or more.
    I never share this story until today. I don’t really feel that I love him, but I feel him as a best friend.
    He is addicted to a game and was a gambler. We had our fight a lot when he was a gambler, and he lied many times. He quit before we got married. Only one time after we got married that I found him played an online poker. He said sorry and promised to stop. I trust him because I want to support him to overcome his addiction.
    I respect his privacy and never ask anything about sex again.
    He has supported me so much, but sometimes I am curious if he has a low sex or is he a gay or is he stress about something? He seems okay, he doesn’t have any issue with his economy or hobby or health. He can do anything he wants. He likes reading and plays some instruments, doing yoga, watching films, enjoy good meals, etc.
    I just don’t want to be his obstacle. I don’t mind if he is a gay, I’ll support him. I just feel that sometimes he is trying so hard to cover something very secret, maybe I’m wrong.
    I feel empty as a woman.

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