“I don’t really want to talk about it,” my sixth-grader said after school when I asked him about the email I had received from his teacher. He’d been goofing off in class lately—nothing too crazy, but enough to warrant an email. I’d seen some concerning behavior at home too, like picking fights with his sister, talking back, and being generally grumpy.
“Is everything OK with you though?” I said, leaning in.
He got up from the stool. “Mom, I’m fine. Just stop asking.”
That went well, I thought with a sigh.
Sometimes kids just won’t talk to us; they’re ashamed, embarrassed, or can’t put it into words. But we don’t have to give up. Here are 8 ideas for you to try. Maybe you’ve done some of these before, and maybe some are new, but when you’re listening carefully (think detective mode!), all of these can give you a glimpse inside a child’s mind.
1. Share a dream you had.
On the drive to school one day, I told the kids about a weird dream I’d had. Parts of it were funny, but some of it was a mystery. We started sharing theories about its meaning. They quickly piped up with their own strange dreams. Your child’s dreams can reveal what he or she might be processing right now. Dreams can also reveal fears, hopes, and repressed feelings.
2. Have pancakes at midnight.
A friend of mine shared that when one of her kids is having a hard time and she can’t figure it out, she suggests having pancakes at midnight. Her kids love it! They get one-on-one time with Mom, and it’s fun and different, and sort of breaking the rules. Keeping them up late or waking them up to do something fun eliminates inhibitions. Sometimes that’s exactly what kids need to let their guards down and open up. Just be sure to have a no-phones rule during midnight pancakes.
3. Tell on yourself.
One reason kids keep things inside is they feel ashamed. They often think they’re the only ones who have ever made mistakes or felt intense feelings. Mom could never understand or would just be disappointed in me. So the next time you’re driving home from practice, tell on yourself. Share a mistake you’ve made. When you share your own mistakes, your kids will feel less alone. It also helps to normalize their behavior, which makes it less intimidating to talk about it. Vulnerability encourages more vulnerability.
Vulnerability encourages more vulnerability. Click To Tweet4. Write to each other in a private journal.
Sometimes kids won’t talk about their feelings, but they will write about them. The first time you write, talk about privacy: “What’s written in the journal is just between us!” Click here for a journal made for daughters, and click here for a journal made for sons. When you write back and forth with your kids, it gives them an opportunity to process their thoughts slowly and choose their words carefully. It can also make sharing easier because they aren’t staring you in the face or fighting distractions.
5. Let them choose a TV series to watch and make it “your thing.”
First, just finding a series you both like is bonding. Especially with boys, side-by-side time spent together can be extremely beneficial to your relationship. Once they feel that closeness, they may open up. And if you choose a comedy, you also have the benefit of laughter! The Mayo Clinic says, “A good, hearty laugh relieves physical tension and stress, leaving your muscles relaxed for up to 45 minutes after.” When kids are relaxed, they often feel more willing to share what’s on their minds.
6. Let them teach you something.
Kids rarely get to be the boss or expert, so find something your child could teach you. For me, it would be how to throw a curveball or how to make perfect icing. Do I actually want to learn these things? Not really. But it will help kids feel important, heard, seen. That alone will often chase the grumpiness away and (might) get them talking to you.
7. Get out the old photos.
It’s so good to laugh together and remember fun times! It also gives kids perspective and comfort. Get a glimpse inside a child’s mind while you talk and laugh about the photos. You might even talk about how much they’ve grown or changed since then. This can be a great starting point to share current struggles or feelings.
8. Redecorate their room together.
This is a more long-term (and expensive) option, however, it’s one most kids can’t resist! I can guarantee there will be talking, brainstorming, planning, shopping, and even hard work—together! And again, that side-by-side activity eliminates the discomfort of looking someone in the eye. As they work with you, they’re distracted enough by the work to forget about any hesitation they might have had about sharing what’s on their minds.
How do you help your kids open up?
