“Don’t you ever brush your hair?” That’s what my mother-in-law would ask my children when they were little. She didn’t say it unkindly—in fact, she said it with a laugh. She was honestly at a loss for how to care for her grandchildren’s curly hair! She had raised three kids with stick-straight hair, so the mass of curls on my children’s heads threw her for a loop. There was a time when that kind of comment from her made me very angry. But many years into marriage with her son, I gained more (if not perfect) perspective.
Marriage is the melding of two worlds, and it goes beyond just us and our husbands as individuals. When we get married, we link ourselves to the people who made our husband who he is, our in-laws. How can we make the in-law relationship a good one? Here are 6 ways to have a healthy relationship with your in-laws.
1. Recognize that it’s complicated.
You decide you want to change your hairstyle. Your close friend says she thinks it looks best long. You take that as good advice. But if your mother-in-law says she likes it long, you take it as interfering. Or, your toddler is misbehaving, and your good friend says he needs a “time-out.” You may welcome her insights, but if your in-laws had said that, you might have taken it as criticism of your parenting. In fact, the number one topic of in-law friction is parenting styles.
It’s so easy to overreact or to give too much weight to our in-laws’ comments or lack of comments because the in-law relationship is already a complicated one, and even more so when we have kids. When you feel hurt or offended, remind yourself that in-law relationships are rarely straightforward because of the baggage we carry and they carry.
2. Choose your focus.
Instead of focusing on in-law negatives, try to focus on the positives: My mother-in-law is awesome at playing with my kids; my father-in-law gives them great nicknames like Peanut and Tom Turkey; and if there’s an emergency, they’re at my house in minutes.
Perspective matters. Research shows that couples who have negative views of their in-laws before marriage have shaky relationships with them after marriage. A positive mindset leads to a better relationship. It’s not too late to change our perspective. Even if there are genuine problems, we can decide whether to focus on the negatives or the positives.
3. Identify your boundaries.
It’s OK to have boundaries. Maybe seeing your in-laws every other week is your sweet spot. Any more often than that, and you show your irritation when you’re with them. You can still have a strong relationship with your in-laws without giving them unlimited access to your children, your home, or your life.
Initially, let your interactions naturally communicate your boundaries, especially when it comes to parenting advice. A simple, “Thanks for the idea,” is short and sweet, and if said often enough, will make your point. If more direct communication is needed, ask your husband to talk with his parents. And it’s better to be proactive rather than waiting until you lose it and the relationship suffers.
4. See their value and their past.
No matter what our in-laws are like, they possess two things we don’t—age and experience. With age comes experience and wisdom. There is probably something we can learn from or admire in our in-laws. They have lived a life different from ours, in a world different from ours. Ask yourself: What are their gifts? Do they do something well? Do they have a unique talent? Also consider their past. What losses and disappointments have they suffered? Empathy can help you see them as people, not just as in-laws.
5. Care for them as they age.
When caring for aging in-laws, remember these essentials: Consider what is best for your own family and how to honor your in-laws. What are their needs? What extended-family support is available? What resources such as financial, health care, housing, etc., are available? If you have your hands full with your children or both you and your husband are working in careers with little flexibility, your options will be limited. Communicate clearly with extended family as you make decisions.
Caring for in-laws can be inconvenient and time-consuming, but honoring them and sacrificing for them is a living lesson for our children.
6. Prepare for “no regrets.”
When our in-laws are gone, we don’t want to look back at our actions and feel regret. “But you don’t know how bad my relationship with my in-laws has been,” you might respond.
That’s right. I don’t know … but God does. No matter how difficult it is, your in-laws probably did the best they could. While they’re still in your life, it is never too late to do what is right, to get things straightened out, to ask for forgiveness, and to start over in the in-law relationship. And, if for no other reason, your in-laws are your children’s grandparents. If you can make preserving and nurturing that relationship the priority, you’ll be more willing to accept your in-laws.
What makes your relationship with your in-laws work or not work?
Excerpted and adapted from A House Full of Friends by Susan Alexander Yates. Copyright © 1995 by Susan Alexander Yates. www.yatesbooks.com. Used with permission.
