My husband and I come from pretty different worlds. He is 11 years older than I am, had his first job at 14, experienced serious financial struggles through early adulthood, raised two children with chronic illness, and held the hand of one of his children as she passed away. Pan over to me… My parents always said, “School is your job.” While I’ve never been wealthy, I’ve never lived paycheck to paycheck. And my two kids rarely even catch a cold.
Being married to someone with different life experiences means we butt heads on a lot of things. We had an argument recently, and I said, “We have such different perspectives. It’s really making this hard.” While saying that didn’t immediately resolve the conflict, it did touch upon an ingredient all couples (and all people, really) need for good conflict resolution. Here’s what that ingredient is.
We need to show empathy.
Empathy in conflict forces us to acknowledge that other people’s motivations are different from our own, and while we don’t have to agree, we should assume they have positive intentions. As moms, we practice empathy in conflict resolution every single day. When your toddler complains about the “pokey feeling” in the toe of her sock, you don’t accuse her of wanting to make you late for work. You know how bad it feels to have an ill-fitting sock, and you search for another pair.
Yet when we’re in a fight or heated discussion with another adult, our husbands, especially, we often fail to show empathy. Speaking for myself, I’m usually too busy planning my next point or counterpoint to think about where he might be coming from. When you don’t bring empathy to a conflict, you don’t see your husband’s humanity—you only see his position.
Empathy isn’t a weakness.
Research on married couples found that when partners felt genuinely understood—not agreed with, just understood—it reduced hostility and led to better conflict outcomes. But it takes a lot of strength to show your husband empathy when you’re going at it because it requires you to lay down your weapon and make space for understanding.
In that fight with my husband, saying out loud that our perspectives were different was a temporary cease-fire. If you show empathy in conflict, will you ever win an argument again? Maybe not, but you might never lose again either. And the greatest win will be having a better understanding of your husband.
So, try these 3 ways to foster empathy in conflict resolution.
Say, “Tell me how you see this because I’m having trouble.”
The fight my husband and I got into had child discipline at its core. I said something like, “I don’t understand how you feel that way when everything else you believe says otherwise.” Just telling your husband you don’t understand, inviting him to explain his perspective, and then openly listening will help you grow in empathy and encourage him to do the same for you.
Focus on your character, not your comeback.
Empathy without action is just a feeling. The virtues—patience, gentleness, self-control—are how empathy actually shows up in a fight. But we don’t accidentally become patient or gentle in conflict. We choose it. And marriage is where that choice is hardest because familiarity has a way of lowering our guard. The closer we are to someone, the easier it is to stop being careful with them.
Patience, self-control, and gentleness are protective qualities for your relationship. They keep conflict from becoming contempt. When you feel the urge to interrupt, criticize, or go for the jugular, that’s exactly the moment to draw on the good stuff. Your heart will follow where your behavior leads.
Consider what he has to lose.
My younger son doesn’t like going to bed. He knows going to sleep means he has to get up for school, and that’s not his happy place. He’s never told me that. I’ve had to think about what is happening under the surface.
The same goes for our husbands in conflict. To grow in empathy, consider why this issue is so important to him, or just flat out ask him. When you can share with each other what the real need is (It’s probably not to win the argument!), you might find that you both come out feeling like you’ve been heard, seen, and cared for.
How are you at showing empathy in conflict resolution?
