“There were about five guys talking, and I couldn’t get a word in,” my son said. He’d joined a lunch table with kids he didn’t know well and still hadn’t formed any real friendships. “I tried to jump in,” he said, “but then they switched topics to something I didn’t know about.” I listened quietly, wondering how my boisterous boy could get drowned out. “It’s just hard,” he said with a shrug. I got the sense he wasn’t just sad about struggling to make new friends, but he was actually lonely for real connection. And it made my heart hurt for him.
Gone are the days when I can march up to another child and say, “You guys should play together.” And they would. Now that our kids are older, it’s on them to make connections. You may feel a little helpless right now, but there are 5 things you can do if you find yourself thinking, “My child is lonely.”
1. Stay involved in her life.
“Can you help me with dinner?” I asked my daughter. She quickly crossed the kitchen and wrapped her arms around my waist. That year in fourth grade, my child was lonely. Her best friends had moved away, and she ended up sitting alone at lunch. I had to find ways to draw her in and get her involved at home.
Connecting with your child is so important to ward off loneliness, which could be a precursor to depression. Encourage her to talk. Let her know you’re there for her. And be a good listener when she opens up about her feelings. Knowing that someone “really gets her” can be enough to pull her through this period in her life.
2. Figure out his love language.
My son’s a hugger. He likes being touched. So, despite his recent crabbiness with me, I continually open my arms to him. Most of the time, he welcomes my affection, and his mood lifts.
Does your child love physical affection? Or words of affirmation? Or is his love language acts of service? Find out which love language softens his demeanor and go with it. Give it time and effort, and you’ll likely see a change in his mood at home.
3. Make the extra effort.
If we’re looking at a pretty sunset out the window, I’ll ask my child to walk the dog with me to the lake. It’s a short break on a busy evening, and fresh air helps to get him talking. This time alone with him also gives me a good opportunity to talk to him about initiating conversations with other kids at school. “I know it’s not easy. But it’s important to keep trying.”
How do you help a child who’s lonely? Start by being a good listener. Empathize with him. Offer tips on how to connect by smiling at and making eye contact with others. Help your child find a new activity that might interest her. But it’s possible you’ll just have to wait out this lonely season with your child with extra hugs and time spent together.
How do you help a child who’s lonely? Start by being a good listener. Click To Tweet4. Discourage activities that feed his loneliness.
My son didn’t feel like he fit in at his lunch table, so he gradually drifted to a table by himself. Like many kids, especially adolescents, my son would rather pull away than be rejected by his peers. Isolation was his defense mechanism. But at the same time, it made him lonelier. So I brought this fact up with him at home and tried to encourage him to connect with others. “Listen. I know it feels awkward. But try to find someone to sit with at lunch.”
According to the nonprofit organization Mental Health America, kids who retreat to their rooms for long periods of time may be lonely. Also, even though they can connect with others online, spending hours on apps does more to encourage loneliness than to combat it. I don’t want to feed my child’s loneliness, and so even if he argues, I’m going to be that annoying mom who says no screens.
5. Pray for your kids and for yourself.
It’s heartbreaking when your child’s struggling. If you’re thinking, “My child is lonely, but why?” it could for a variety of reasons: a new school, divorce, feuding with friends, or even bullying. This is a difficult time for her and for you. I know it from experience. Ultimately, we’re not alone. We can pray.
If you have a child struggling with loneliness and you’re trying to figure out the words to say, try this prayer that I use: God, I give you my child. Please take her in your hands and do with her as you will. Please give her the courage and discernment to connect with those you’ve chosen for her. And dear God, please give me the wisdom to know how to help her. In your name, I pray.
Have you ever thought “My child is lonely?” What has helped your child?
