Before getting married, I either didn’t understand the depth of my husband’s passion for college football, or I chose to ignore it. Three years and endless hours on my feet later, cheering in a stadium of rabid fans has taught me something valuable: We do things we might not like because we love the other person. Since then, my husband has taken many beach trips with me—and I didn’t have to twist his arm too much. Having a good attitude toward the other’s interests is a green flag to look for in marriage.
We might feel like waving the white flag of surrender every so often, but ultimately, if we’re coming back to our relationship and putting in the hard work, that’s what it’s all about. Here’s what to look for in your marriage, including 7 more green flags and how to go green if you’re struggling.
1. You both talk about what’s on your mind (and heart) pretty regularly.
It takes effort to share about your day—and effort to listen. But words connect the two pathways of your lives, putting you on one road together. It’s not always easy to summon the energy to talk or the patience to listen but knowing what’s happening in each other’s lives is marriage gold.
Tip: Spend the last chunk of the day together in the same room. Chances are, you’ll find something to say or laugh about together.
2. You go deep with your feelings and emotions.
Being vulnerable with your spouse (or anyone) is a matter of trust. And caring about the other’s vulnerabilities can deepen your relationships. Vulnerability “keeps us honest with each other and ourselves, breaks down walls, eliminates the potential for miscommunication and misunderstandings, and allows us to be wholly ourselves,” according to VeryWell Mind.
Tip: If you’re naturally more guarded, try opening up about something that might be easier to talk about. For example, try discussing your goals before moving on to harder topics like your fears. Maybe exercising more is a small goal you can share now.
3. You show respect for each other.
You treat each other respectfully. It’s speaking with kindness and listening to each other. It’s having patience and the ability to compromise. When you respect your spouse, you show love.
Tip: Before responding harshly to something your husband does (like his driving or his long work hours), think about how you can take a more loving approach when you’re calmer. Maybe it’s after everyone has eaten and you have a little time alone together.
4. You’re an open book with each other (no secrets!).
Secrets are the opposite of trust in marriage. They can create emotional distance because you’re not sharing what’s important to you.
Tip: If you’re tempted to sneak that online order inside without telling your husband, ask yourself why. Are you worried about what he’d say? It might be a good idea to examine your reasons and then lay them on the table for a discussion with your husband.
5. There are a several activities you both enjoy doing together.
My husband and I didn’t start marriage with a list of activities we both loved. But being open to trying new things has helped us draw closer to each other. I’ve taken up my husband’s hobby of watching sports on TV and he’s been willing to watch more romantic comedies.
Tip: Come up with a list of new activities to start together. Maybe you’d like to cook one or two meals together each week? Or maybe you’d like to go to more cultural events? Having a chat about these things can create a shared vulnerability, which can draw you closer.
6. You share household and parenting activities in a way that satisfies you both.
What to look for in your marriage: Are you a couple who shares responsibilities in the home and with the kids? Or is there some resentment in one or both of you because of a perceived imbalance?
Tip: Your hubby may not realize how stressed you are and might be grateful if you let him know what’s on your mind. Work together to find a compromise about the work that needs to be done and what role you both will play.
7. You enjoy planning for the future together.
In the early years of marriage, planning for the future is fun. But if you continue to plan together, that’s a green flag in your marriage. Do you like discussing weekend plans? Vacations? Or are you now planning on relocating or picking a new school for your child?
Tip: Making decisions as a team isn’t always easy, but it’s an important part of a healthy marriage. Nothing needs to be decided in a night. Have patience with your husband and try to see his point of view during tough conversations. He may reciprocate in kind.
What to look for in a happy marriage might also depend on personalities and interests. What are your thoughts?
