What? Soccer ends this week? I usually had a good sense of timing, but the end of the season had snuck up on me. What would my child do next? But that’s when I remembered a friend saying it wasn’t all that bad for kids to have downtime. Besides, we’d both been swept up in the intensive parenting movement for years. Am I worn out?
If you’re not familiar with this parenting style, it’s a hands-on way of parenting in which parents dedicate a lot of time and effort to their kids’ learning and enrichment. We have the best intentions, but with some kids, all this effort can backfire. If your kid doesn’t seem highly motivated to do things like study, improve a skill, or try new things, you might want to tweak your way of parenting. As soon as I dialed down my intensive parenting style, my child became more self-motivated. Here are 5 ways to make changes that’ll work for your kid and you.
1. Try under-scheduling instead of overscheduling.
“Are your kids signed up for swim, tennis, or both?” my friend Elin asked. I told her both. I’d signed them up weeks ago. It was unusual to run into a parent who didn’t have a lot on their kids’ schedules. Intensive parenting has become “culturally accepted as ‘good’ parenting,” says Emily Edlynn, PhD. Pouring tons of time and attention into our kids’ lives has become the norm.
But, as it turns out, intensive parenting steals opportunities for our kids to learn important life skills like self-motivation, problem-solving, and coping mechanisms. Having the time to get bored, come up with activities on their own, and discover what they’re good at can build those skills. You may feel like a renegade mom, but under-scheduling your kids could be better for them in the long run.
2. Have realistic goals rather than high standards.
Every parent wants their kid to do well in school. But does that “A” mean more to you than your child? “’Intensive parenting’ is a tendency to invest parents’ time, money, and energy in their child,” says Sonoko Egami in a study published in Frontiers in Psychology. Because we’re investing so much, we want to see some great outcomes. But that’s the problem with this parenting style. Setting high standards can create stress and negative feelings between you and your child. And it’s not just with grades. It could be sports, music lessons, or all of the above.
The study highlights the need for a balance between a parent’s high hopes for her child and being realistic about them. If you shift your praise to your child’s effort when he studies or practices, it’ll not only improve your relationship but also help him develop the self-motivation to succeed—for the right reasons.
3. Offer guidance rather than supervising and micromanaging.
If you lean toward the intensive parenting style (as I do), you mean well. You want to enrich your kids’ lives every chance you get. So, you make car rides educational by pointing out the sights and you double-check homework to ensure they understand the material. But all this supervising and micromanaging is cutting down on their independent thinking skills.
It’s fine to check in, but try not to hover. When we micromanage our kids’ work, we leave little room for them to figure things out for themselves. But when you give them space, you communicate your confidence in their abilities to work through difficulties on their own.
4. Encourage enjoyment over adding pressure.
My friend wanted her daughter Maddy to like softball as much as she did, so they’d play catch every chance they got. My friend said as the years passed, Maddy started to accuse my friend of “pressuring” her to be the best pitcher, best hitter, and later, to play in high school.
Maybe you can relate. It’s fun seeing our kids do well and win awards! But it’s not about us. If they’re doing something because they think it’ll make us happy, it’s the wrong reason. Kids will be more motivated to do what they truly love and enjoy. So, step back, remove the pressure, and let your child discover what’s fun for her.
5. Welcome mistakes instead of shielding kids from failure.
I don’t know about you, but when my kid makes mistakes, it’s sometimes embarrassing for me as a parent. I’d rather he stay up late to finish a project or rush his homework assignment to school. But that sort of intensive parenting—always being there to rescue my child—can backfire.
If your child loses a hat or an earbud, let him retrace his steps or buy his own replacement. Look at every mistake and failure as an opportunity for your child to grow. Great character traits develop when a child has practice dealing with failure: resilience, self-control, and self-motivation. I’ve come around to believe these qualities are worth the discomfort in the moment.
Would it be hard for you to quit the intensive parenting style? Or would it be a relief?
