When my daughter was a preschooler, I remember joking about her future: “If she’s got a 13-year-old’s attitude now, how am I going to handle her when she’s actually a teenager?” Her emotions seemed bigger than she was, far too big for her tiny body. Surely she would be able to handle them better when she was older!
If only it were that easy, right? Parents of teens know that as our children grow, so do their feelings. Add to that the challenges of puberty, the negative impact of technology, and kids who are desperately trying to figure out who they are, and we have a minefield of feelings to navigate. We might sometimes wish to return to the simplicity of toddler tantrums, but now’s the time to forge new ground as we walk alongside our kids and their teenage emotions. But how? Try these 3 steps for helping your child handle teenage emotions.
1. Keep your feet on the ground.
Your teen experiences a roller coaster of emotions, sometimes on a daily basis. As tempting as it can be, don’t board that ride with them. Keep your feet on the ground, stay calm, and be there to guide them when their train gets back to the station. It might mean taking a deep breath or even leaving the room when your teen pushes your buttons. If you can maintain your calm while they are spinning out of control, you’ll be better able to help them handle their teenage emotions.
Also, try to remember that your teen’s self-esteem can be fragile at this point in their development. Research shows that preserving a teen’s self-esteem is important because it will help them better cope with the challenges of the teen years. While some kids maintain their self-esteem easily, that same research found that about 20 percent of teens will experience a significant drop. So when your teen’s big emotions bring up big emotions in you, hold back from saying anything reactionary like, “You are so disrespectful! Don’t say another word.” Instead, let your teen vent and calmly say, “I hear that you are very upset about ___________.” Wait until their ride on the emotions roller coaster is over before going into teaching mode. And if you find yourself taking their teenage meltdowns personally, see if your parenting style might have something to do with how you’re feeling.
2. Walk them through it.
When we stay calm, we are better equipped to help our teens process and deal with the big emotions they’re feeling. A few steps can help them do that:
Name the emotion. Encourage them to define exactly what they’re experiencing—anger, disappointment, sadness, fear? Overwhelming emotions can feel similar. Identifying and understanding an emotion can take away some of the stress behind it. Guide them to look for what’s behind the emotion. Also lead them into a discussion about their tech use—not to condemn it, but to help them identify how it might affect them without them even realizing it. Being online and interacting with other kids on social media can bring up so many things for teens to deal with—comparison, exclusion, criticism. And a research review found that teens who already have difficulty with emotional regulation turn to the internet more often as a coping mechanism, which can hinder their development of the skills they need to manage their emotions.
Claim the emotion. Emotions aren’t wrong, and our kids shouldn’t be ashamed of them. It’s OK to be upset when a friend lets them down, disappointed when they study for a test and don’t do well, or even sad for reasons they can’t quite identify. (Hello, hormones!) In fact, identifying and feeling feelings is healthy and important. But…
Don’t blame the emotion. Our teens benefit from learning not to relinquish responsibility for their actions. Help them identify healthy ways to handle their emotions and exercise self-control. Let them know that it’s good to express emotions as long as it’s done within the context of respecting themselves and those around them. University of Virginia researchers found that allowing teens to argue respectfully with you may help them better reject peer pressure.
One of the hosts of the iMOM Podcast admitted to being a bit dramatic as a kid. Check out the episode, “Confessions of a Tweenage Drama Queen,” for more ideas on how to handle big emotions in your teen.
3. Be a role model
A positive example shines the best light on our teen’s path. Practice healthy ways of handling and expressing your own feelings. Let them see how you walk through the steps listed above and apologize when you mess up—because we all make mistakes. Let your teenagers see that you’re aiming for growth in yourself and in them, not demanding perfection. Model how to regulate emotions as you deal with stress in your marriage and friendships, and on days when you’re just feeling overwhelmed. We have such an important job in the way we model coping to our kids.
More than anything, your teens need to know you’re there for them. Their emotional roller coaster ride can be exhausting for them and for you. By calmly guiding them through their big teenage emotions, you’re setting them up for emotional strength for years to come.
How do you help your teen when their emotions get the best of them?
