I was caught off guard one day when I heard my ex-husband’s voice coming from under my bed. When I traced the sound, I realized my son had called his dad from his iPad and was lying on the floor. I sent my ex a text: “Sorry about that. I didn’t know he wanted to call you.” He said, “No problem. I’m home and can talk.”
Handing your phone over or making time so your kids can chat with their dad might be a little uncomfortable, but working through child custody and phone calls is part of healthy co-parenting. Try these 5 best practices for calls to make conversations with co-parents less stressful for everyone.
1. Make a phone call schedule.
One thing that takes a back seat when you’re co-parenting is spontaneity. Instead, you have to plan and be intentional about things other families take for granted, like frequent check-ins with your kids.
When you’re arranging child custody and phone calls, plan in advance what time your kids will call their dad. If they’re young, they might need to talk twice a day. For bigger kids, maybe a few times a week or on the first night they return to your house.
2. For off-schedule calls, send a courtesy text first.
I remember the epic day in kindergarten when my son finally made it to gold on the behavior chart. He wanted to call his dad to tell him the good news. I looked at the clock. I knew he was at work and might not be able to pick up, so I sent a text saying, “Can you talk? Liam has exciting news.” I knew we should wait to call if he didn’t write back.
If your kids use your phone to call their dad, sending a heads-up text will alert him that it’s the kids and not you who wants to talk. That might affect his tone when he picks up or whether he answers at all. And no kid wants a call to Dad to go to voicemail, so sending a text will help you know the best time to call.
3. Agree on rules for kids with their own phones.
It’s tempting to buy your kids cell phones when they have to go between two houses. That way you can communicate with them instead of your ex-husband. But before you make that purchase, ask if it’s necessary or if you can still make it work to have your kids communicate through the adults’ devices.
If you have teenagers with phones, talk to your ex-husband about timing and frequency of calls and texts. You shouldn’t stop your teen from reaching out to you, but you should be respectful of their meal times and schedule.
4. Give them privacy.
Listening in on a conversation between your children and their other parent is tempting. You rarely get to hear how they interact with each other, so it’s natural to be curious. But it’s difficult for anyone to have a meaningful conversation if they know somebody’s eavesdropping And if you’re shouting in the background that time’s up, it’ll stress your kids, so be patient.
If you have real concerns about your children’s well-being, listen, but don’t interrupt. Just take it in, give the benefit of the doubt, and use a separate time to talk to your ex about your concerns. Hearing one half of the conversation might spark your nosy side, but don’t ask your kids a bunch of questions after they hang up with Dad. Be open if they want to talk to you, but let what’s between them stay between them.
5. Remember it’s about your children’s needs, not yours.
Most of the time, my sons and I don’t check in when they’re at their dad’s. I know they’re safe, cared for, and loved. That doesn’t mean I don’t miss them and want to hear their voices, but that’s for me, not them. I’m sure their dad feels the same way.
A friend was upset because it felt like every time she’d have her scheduled call with her daughter, the little girl was watching TV and disengaged. That’s not ideal, but maybe for her daughter, sitting on the phone with Mom while her favorite show is playing felt comforting. Whatever issue you’re facing, remember you’re there to support your children, not the other way around.
Whatever issue you’re facing, remember you’re there to support your children, not the other way around. Click To TweetWhat rules do you have in place for calls and Facetiming between your kids and their dad?
