“I’m not going to chaperone this time. I can’t take the time off work.” As soon as I said it, mom guilt kicked in. My inner voice said, “But he wants you there. How can you not go? He’s only going to be this young for so long.” Three weeks later, I walked through the history museum with a crew of parents and fourth graders.
I’m glad I chaperoned, but I had to ask: How much do I let mom guilt dictate what I do? And is that a bad thing? It can be bad if you let it take control, but here are 3 ways to make mom guilt work for you.
1. When you feel mom guilt, ask yourself if it’s rational.
Since the 1950s, women have been finding more fulfillment outside of their homes, but most remain responsible for what happens inside of them, too. Working moms, is it rational to expect yourself to put in 40 hours every week and be president of the PTA? Stay-at-home moms, is it rational to expect yourself to constantly be engaged with your kids and maintain a perfectly clean home? Moms shouldn’t feel guilty for only being able to do the work of one human and not two or five.
Moms shouldn’t feel guilty for only being able to do the work of one human and not two or five. Click To TweetWhen the guilt kicks in, call a friend and run the scenario by her, like, “I feel guilty because my kids aren’t eating a healthy enough diet.” Chances are she’ll talk some sense into you. Or maybe she’ll give it to you straight and say, “Yeah, the fact that your kids haven’t had a vegetable in three months isn’t so great. I’ve got an easy recipe for buffalo cauliflower they’ll like.” Then at least you have a plan!
2. Ask yourself what’s really going on.
A friend told me she wrestles with guilt over her kids’ shoes. They wear siblings’ used shoes, or she buys cheapos instead of name brand. I quickly talked her off that ledge by reminding her that they’re only wearing these shoes for a few months before their feet grow again. But then I asked where the guilt was really coming from.
She confessed that her mother-in-law has expensive taste and doesn’t like hand-me-downs, but my friend’s very budget-conscious. She feels like she’s disappointing her husband because he grew up with nicer things. Maybe for you the guilt is rooted in feelings of jealousy over what other families do or the time you spend with your kids. Name it and direct your energy to the cause of the problem, not the symptoms.
3. Let it help you keep your priorities in check.
My kids’ school does “Munchkins with Mom” one day a year. Moms get to come to eat donuts before school, get a photo, and walk the kids to class. I’m not gonna lie—it’s the worst. It’s a three-ring circus because the kids are hyped up on early morning sugar. And I don’t even want to eat donuts! This year I said I didn’t want to go. Cue the mom guilt!
In this case, my mom guilt was my conscience reminding me what’s most important. I cared more about avoiding the temptation of eating donut holes and having a peaceful morning than making this memory with my sons. You can make mom guilt work for you by pausing and reevaluating your choices. Just remember to give yourself grace.
What do you feel mom guilt for most? Is it rational or irrational?
