“Agh! This is so hard! I can’t do it!” My child didn’t start venting about his schoolwork until he saw me watching him. Seriously? He was fine a minute earlier. But when we locked eyes, it was all over. My impulse was to run over and help. Who likes seeing their kid upset? Like many moms, I’m a nurturer by nature. But I’ve been trying to retrain myself. I want to empower my kid to solve his own problems.
Stepping back goes against my nature, and maybe it goes against yours too. But if we want to empower kids to tackle challenges on their own, we have to stop fixing them ourselves. Here are 5 ways to support your child, not fix his problems.
1. Encourage your child to find her own solution.
Our kids need to strengthen that problem-solving muscle, especially if they’re used to waiting for us to step in. Like any new workout or routine, there’s an adjustment period. At first, it’s going to feel tough—for you and your kid. But the more your child practices solving her own problems, the easier it’ll get.
How to do it: Ask your child, “What do you think?” Then, wait. She might shrug and say she doesn’t know. But be patient and empathize because you know this isn’t easy: “Hmm. Yeah, I’m not sure either. What do you think the first step should be?”
2. Give him space but let him know you’re there.
Sometimes, my child gets frustrated when I try to encourage him to solve his own problems. “I can’t do it! I’ve already tried!” And when he gets worked up, I get worked up. And because I want the whining to end, I give in and help. (What can I say? I’m human.) But we’re not going to empower our kids if we cave when they throw a fit.
What to do: Walk away. You can say, “I know you can work this out. I’ll check back with you in a couple minutes.” This way, you can keep your cool. It also sends your child the message you trust him to solve the problem on his own. Apply this strategy at the park, a friend’s house, and the sports field, too.
3. Brainstorm ideas to empower her.
A couple years ago, my daughter had a problem with two boys in her class. Naturally, I wanted to put an end to it ASAP. But “[p]arents who quickly jump in to take over this responsibility and intervene in all of their child’s complaints and disputes are depriving their children of the opportunity to acquire their own abilities,” says David Schwartz, LMFT. My daughter wasn’t in an unsafe situation (just an annoying one), so we sat down and talked about what she could do to handle this problem.
What you can do: Give your child the opportunity to take charge of a difficult situation herself. “Knowing they have the power to negotiate situations that arise in their lives is an important skill-set for [kids] to learn,” says Schwartz. Being able to talk to an authority figure and ask for help can also build your child’s confidence and social skills. These skills will serve her well as she grows into a teenager.
4. Allow him to fail.
Rather than asking the teacher if your child can redo a quiz or turn in homework late, let your child accept the consequences. When we don’t step in to rescue our kids, they learn how to cope with disappointment and hopefully, they take responsibility the next time.
What to do: Pause and take a breath. To empower kids, we have to give them practice solving problems themselves. Chip Ingram from Focus on the Family says, “If they’ve learned wisdom and responsibility early, they’ll reap the benefits for a lifetime.” So, as hard as it is, don’t do for kids what they can do for themselves.
5. Reflect together on her strengths and effort.
“You know, I’m really proud of you for finding a solution.” When my daughter’s problem with the boys in her class didn’t resolve with a seat change, she persisted. She went to the teacher again. Those kids ended up having to meet with the principal.
When your child pushes through a difficult problem, no matter how big or small, praise her effort. Sometimes, we do have to step in, but if she has tried to handle it first, let her know you admire her diligence or creativity. Then follow up with one of these 99 Compliments for Kids as well. Print out the list—it’s free!
Why it’s important: When you recognize her effort, your child will gain confidence and remember she was able to solve things for herself the next time she’s stumped.
What words can you say to empower kids to take action?
