One night, my young daughter slammed her bedroom door in anger. Upset and not thinking rationally, I opened the door and said, “If you slam that door again, I’ll throw your doll stroller away!” Well, guess what. As soon as I turned around and left, she slammed the door again. My husband, who’d been standing nearby, cocked his head to one side as if to say, “Are you going to follow through?” I froze, staring at my husband, willing him with my eyes not to make me do it. I took a deep breath and walked back into my daughter’s room. “Honey, I just told you…” A dozen memories of my daughter pushing her dolly in that little pink stroller flashed before my eyes. I realized I couldn’t do it. And that’s when my husband strode calmly past me into the room, picked up the stroller, and carried it down the stairs. My daughter burst out crying and I found myself trailing along as she begged him not to do it. (Confession: I begged him not to too.)
That night was not a good page to copy from my mothering manual. My husband finally relented and didn’t throw out the stroller, but I knew I’d done something majorly wrong by going back on my threat. Here are the top 5 empty threats moms make and what to do instead.
1. You’ll never do X again.
Sometimes, in the heat of the moment, it’s easy to shout, “You’re never going to play on your Xbox again!” But doing so isn’t productive. Said in anger, any threat you make is probably going to be one you won’t fulfill.
Instead, if you’re riled up, take time before delivering a consequence. Try saying, “You will be punished, but I’m going to think about what the consequence will be and let you know by dinnertime.”
2. I’m going to count to three!
I knew I relied on this tactic too much when I almost counted at the dog the other day. I’m trying to stop. Not only does it give kids time to continue the bad behavior, but it can also backfire if “three” comes and your kids still haven’t complied.
Though it’s hard, try issuing a consequence right away instead of giving them the extra time. “Honey, I see that you’re not listening, so you‘re going to have to spend time alone for a bit.” This way, the kids learn your words matter and with practice, they will get quicker at listening.
3. You’re grounded!
Do you really want your child to miss practice? Or that birthday party this weekend? If you issue this threat, it’s hard to walk it back.
If you don’t really want it to happen, don’t issue this threat. However, if you do want your child to stay in all weekend, make sure the punishment is just. If he or she had a lot of activities lined up, especially ones that affect other people (play practice, group science project, soccer game), don’t make the punishment worse than the crime itself.
4. Behave or else.
Or else what? I said this before school and finished with “…or else you’ll walk to school.” Did I mean it? Nope. It was 13 degrees out. Leaving the threat unfinished is just as bad. If you’re saying “or else,” you probably don’t have an answer in mind and the threat stands empty.
Sometimes we get lucky with our threats. They work. And so we keep using them. But as kids get older, they get smarter and may decide to challenge you more. By the time kids are tweens or teens, you don’t want them to figure out that your threats are empty. So start working on it when they’re young so it’ll be easier for you to follow through or find other consequences.
By the time kids are tweens or teens, you don’t want them to figure out that your threats are empty. So start working on it when they’re young. Click To Tweet5. I’m going to turn this car around.
When my kids were little, I used this one more often than I’d like to admit. My son would poke his sister. She would poke him back. Voices rose, mine included. So the logical threat was to turn the car around and go home. But did I really want that? Most of the time, no. I wanted to go to the museum too and spend time with my friend as our kids played together.
If you can’t see yourself following through, don’t make the threat. If the kids don’t listen, you’re forced to do something you don’t want to do. And if you don’t do it, the kids will learn not to take you seriously. Instead, find another consequence—You’ll lose TV for the rest of the day!—then follow through.
Do you use any empty threats in your parenting? Why do you think they have worked or don’t work?
